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Emotional Suicide

Old 02-04-2007, 09:30 PM
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Emotional Suicide

In denial..... out of denial.... sometimes sober...... sometimes not and all I do now is look around wondering what's what now. I don't even like being drunk now. I don't like being around drunk people. I'm mad that there was this invisible line I didn't see and apparently walked over. I know part of it is growing up and letting go. In a way, I miss the nievity of being 20-something and "knowing it all". I had no self-doubt. I gave opinions as if God shared the details of your lives with me. I was so sure if I did A, B and C, I'd get D.... and when I realized that I ultimately had no control over life with the failure of my past relationship, it changed me.

While for the better, something happened to me. Instead of being so sure of myself and passing judgement on everyone else, I'm now so unsure of myself. I just dug myself a hole instead, filled it with wine and hopped in. I realize I have a greater purpose than this. I'm also equally sure of myself in that I'm a very smart girl that can do well at anything I put my mind to...... so why the mess?

I've read the books, I've gone for therapy and nothing helps because there's this little voice that I only hear if I give it wine. Only then do I realize what a mess I am. I have a really great life overall. I am amazed that I now married such an incredible man, that I live in the house I do, have the opportunities I do... I am very grateful and that's what makes me angrier about being this mess because I've been given a lot of gifts in my life yet I feel paralized.

I think to myself...... do I not feel I deserve this? Am I afraid of failure? What???? What???? I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful for but somehow, for some reason, I am not able to live life normally.

It all comes back to one place, one inescapable place that I don't know how to heal. My father died when I was very young and I went through a lot of abuse but I was a survivor. I can reconcile and forgived what happened to me. The problem is that I dealt with all this growing up by holding this fantasy of how much different it would have been if my father wasn't taken from me, how my mother wouldn't have been so sad and overwhelmed, and the men that came with that, and what it would have felt like to be a family.

And then I found out my father committed suicide in my 20's and I guess I haven't been able to reconcile a single thing since. If I can forgive everyone else, why can't I forgive him? I understand it logically, like an illness, and sober, I'm fine but then the anxiety brews underneath until I have enough wine to feel what's really going on. It breaks me down whereas I'm so used to just dredging forward.

I would never kill myself but it's like I'm dead already but just enjoying the smell of life while I'm still here. I so want to delete all these words because I feel exposed yet I know that this is pivotal to my recovering no matter how bad this feels.

I do appreciate so much, all of you because I have never found a safe place before to ever talk of such things. Everything you've ever felt bad about can be translated into feeling good in how you help other people being here, because if it weren't for you I would have no where to go.

BrandiK - always thinking of you!
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Old 02-04-2007, 09:35 PM
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It all comes back to one place, one inescapable place that I don't know how to heal
I'm sorry your hurting and frustrated.

Stop the wine, work the steps, and then re-evaluate the paragraph I quoted. You may be surprised.

I was.
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Old 02-04-2007, 09:48 PM
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have you tried various types of therapy?
abuse & family members killing themself is a lot to deal with... there are a lot of different styles of therapy & each therapist has their own way of approaching that style...
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Old 02-04-2007, 10:03 PM
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Originally Posted by carly0009 View Post
I have so much to be thankful for but somehow, for some reason, I am not able to live life normally.
I can only speak for myself and from my own lived experience, Carly, but when I finally accepted (after beating my head against that same brick wall too many times to count) is that the reason I am not normal and can never be normal is because I have the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism does not discriminate. Life circumstances vary widely, tragedy and abuse and pain and suffering in life all happens, but alcoholism is what it is for each and every one of us.

I guess what I am trying to say is that once I got to a place of surrender and acceptance about the disease of alcoholism within me, I could finally start doing something about it. I could find the solution and live it 5 minutes, one hour and one day at a time. I found real, honest recovery in the rooms of AA and NA. There are other programs of recovery and I do not promote one over another as long as we (meaning me, you and everyone suffering from this disease) finds what works for them to stop and STAY stopped.

There is hope. There is a solution. There is recovery. May you find it now, my friend.


Last edited by Phinneas; 02-05-2007 at 04:02 PM.
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Old 02-04-2007, 10:37 PM
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I've seen various therapists throughout my life. I've wondered too if it wouldn't feel this way if I didn't drink but I have to say honestly that drinking regularily is a recent issue although I was more a binge drinker on weekends in my 20's so I never abstained.

The grandparents that partially raised me, while my grandmother was the only stability I had in my younger life, Grandpa was something else I think. On his passing, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with memories that to me even today are inconceivable. That's the real problem, I just can't conceive that anything that happend to me is real because I just can't conceive that anyone would hurt anyone else like that. How could the Grandma that saved me be married to a man that took it all away? I don't trust myself because I'm now trying to figure out why my father killed himself? Oh, I now feel like this is a can of worms and want to just go back to my hole. No one cried at my Grandfather's funeral, that's just what's "expected" so I'm not used to being emotional to others. I don't know what's more painful but I know I have to start putting myself first.
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Old 02-04-2007, 10:46 PM
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Thank you everyone. This is a big step for me but I just have to go again for awhile. I've been back..... baby steps (cliche) but I've just said too much to handle.

I wish you all peace and love and the futures you deserve.

Sweet dreams,
Carly
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Old 02-04-2007, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by carly0009 View Post
In a way, I miss the nievity of being 20-something and "knowing it all". I had no self-doubt. I gave opinions as if God shared the details of your lives with me.
As Oscar Wilde said, "I'm not young enough to know everything."

Originally Posted by carly0009 View Post

I've been given a lot of gifts in my life yet I feel paralized.

I think to myself...... do I not feel I deserve this? Am I afraid of failure? What???? What???? I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful for but somehow, for some reason, I am not able to live life normally.
I'm on board with phinneas as far as my own experiences go. I have a history of great accomplishments as well as great personal and emotional failures. It wasn't until I truly surrendered to the fact that I am an addict that I was able to grab my addiction by the horns and wrestle it down. I also had to reach out and for the very first time in my 46 years say, "I need help!"

I am only 23 days sober, and one of my several recent epiphanies is that I no longer experience the same depths of self-doubt and self-loathing. With every wonderfully sober day comes a renewed sense of confidence and pride in my accomplishments rather than wallowing in my failures. That wallowing was alcohol speaking. For myself, there was no possiblity of effectively dealing with my social, business, and emotional problems while I was drinking.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure you will find a lot of warmth, support, and friendship here and I hope you'll find a successful road to your recovery.

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Old 02-05-2007, 02:47 AM
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When I finally came to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic and totally on the verge of messing up a great life, I finally saught help. (Tried AA but definetly not for me.) I had a great psychiatrist, a wonderful internest and went to IOP for 4 months. You know what really surprised me? None of these professionals were even slightly interested in what led to my alcholism. The main focus was to stop drinking NOW!

That was 2 1/2 years ago, haven't had a drink since. I still privately mull over what led me to where I was but I do that less and less as the days pass. I am much more future oriented yet also enjoying everyday as it comes.

Hope you can sort things out.

jane
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:35 AM
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It wasn't until I truly surrendered to the fact that I am an addict that I was able to grab my addiction by the horns and wrestle it down.
carly... as phinny and unk mentioned... for me also... i had to surender... part of that surender was acceptance too... acceptance that the affliction wants me to not make it... it wants me back...

self-doubt and self-loathing, fear of failure, anxiety, anger, negative thoughts... ect... the laundry list goes on... this is all part of it... accepting that was my bigest leap to my recovery...

carly, i too can talk, blame, use my past for the whys of today...

it really doesnt matter... what matters for me is reaching out, asking for help, and taking action, continued action to keep the booze, drugs, sex, shopping, eating, or whatever from taking, and controling my life for today...

i'm not the same person anymore, i'm on my way to becoming more then i was... as you so mentioned you would like... go for it carly... reach, reach for your sky!

good wishes on your journey carly...

xxoo, rz
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Old 02-05-2007, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by carly0009 View Post
I would never kill myself but it's like I'm dead already but just enjoying the smell of life while I'm still here.
I feel the exact same way.

I wish I could say it gets easier. Two things did help me a little, however. Anti-depressants and moving forward. It doesn't matter so much what direction as long as you are moving. Moving keeps your mind busy, away from dark places.

Have hope.
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Old 02-05-2007, 06:14 AM
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welcome and thank you for pouring yourself out on this thread. there is a lot of support on these boards and many wise and wonderful members.

from my experience, i believe that no one can move forward through the pain to the other side of it while using alcohol as a security blanket for the emotion.

you sound like you are recognizing the fact that you need to put yourself first--and that means putting your sobriety first too. you are worth it--and you need to know that in your own head. save yourself. you can do it.
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:30 AM
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Carly, I hope you come and read this when you get back. Your words have brought such tears to my eyes and such a sob to my throat. I could have written them. Not about the past, my drama was different, but it was there and alcohol use it against me too. When I discovered, truly discovered, that I could not quit ... I had crossed that line, I just gave in to this disease. And it took, and took, and ate, and ate, and distroyed. I died inside. I had my home, my kids, my husband, my friends ... and I died inside anyway. That alcohol took every last painful thought I had, every last detailed of every last tear of every last hurt ... and tossed them at me. God, it hurt. That is a pain unlike any other.

And it's this illness, this disease. It is so much more then the fact you want it and can't stop. There is a whole chemical process happening inside you that is eating you away. It transmutes like herion in our bodies, did you know that? I just learned that this weekend. It processes differently. This is a fact love, not something we say to make you feel better. It's progressing, it's getting harder. Keep reading, keep paying attention. It ruins the drunk, I know, and that is such a good thing. Because there is freedom for you, just on the otherside. A life you could not have dreamed of. Finding out I was al alcoholic in truth and could no longer drink scared me to my toe nails, but learning to live with out that bottle (those bottles) is the most freeing experiance. I have learned so very much about myself, and love myself, and my life.

My depression got very bad in the end there. Those last several months scared me pretty bad. I came out of a black out once and found a letter I had been typing online to a friend who had commited suicide. I was asking him how he did it, and praying for the courage to do it myself. Thing is, when I am drunk, I forget I want to live, that pain envelopes me completely now. It progresses and progressed. But when I am sober, life is too beautiful to give up. Even thinking of a drink most times (most times, not all, because that voice is so tricky it can slip up my brian from time to time if I dont stick to my program thoroughly) brings on an image of my children or my husband finding me on the floor with my wrists split. It's strong enough I know it must have been an active thought while drinking.

How did I get so depressed? Because of that demon tap-tap-tapping at my heart and soul. I've had some pretty damned hard times, and done much to be ashamed of myself. But I realized I dont want to die. So I had to stop killing myself, I had to stop drinking.

Watch your thoughts. That lonely-ness, those games, that pain is so incredably awful. PM me any time and every time you need. You don't ever have to go through this alone again. That is what the programs of recovery offer, and I have found it to be true.
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:32 PM
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Hi Carly, Quote carly "I think to myself...... do I not feel I deserve this? Am I afraid of failure? What???? What???? I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful for but somehow, for some reason, I am not able to live life normally."

It's said that our greatest fear is of "suceeding" and the "Light" VS the dark, maybe cause we are so used to living in the dark, I don't know.

But if I concentrate on just today its alittle easier..

lol, hope3.
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Old 02-06-2007, 02:29 PM
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I was actually back yesterday because, while I felt overexposed after my last writing, something in me just felt sick of the thought of waiting for some other lonely night to reach out again. Like what am I waiting for.... the absolute bottom? I couldn't write though. I just looked at this post box for hours having no clue how to respond after writing what I did. I don't like talking about it and now another hour has passed again trying to figure out what to write because everything I write just feels wrong.

I don't want to tell you how bad it was growing up, or how I actually am doing well in a lot of other areas of my life because everything that comes out of me right now, even though it's truthful, just sounds like ********.

I guess the only thing I feel like saying is that I'm able today to identify with the bad feelings sober since I wrote last. My normal pattern is not to think of it at all, until that numbness caught up to me with the need to bury myself in alcohol, like the teenagers that cut themselves "to feel" - used to do that too until someone noticed. I'd just get this wave of anxiety not knowing what was wrong, but I'd always find the pain at the end of a bottle.

I've been sober since I wrote last. Not a huge accomplishment, under 48 hours and I did have half a glass of wine yesterday because when DH comes home and has a beer, it's just "our thing", except he has one or two and goes to bed, and I sit up all night and finish the bottle. But I didn't yesterday. I actually didn't want to.
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Old 02-06-2007, 02:31 PM
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congratulations carly! keep coming back. you are doing good things for yourself.
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Old 02-06-2007, 07:13 PM
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carly, what scoot said...
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Old 02-06-2007, 08:54 PM
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Lightbulb I know exactly how you feel!

"My father died when I was very young. The problem is that I dealt with all this growing up by holding this fantasy of how much different it would have been if my father wasn't taken from me, how my mother wouldn't have been so sad and overwhelmed and what it would have felt like to be a family."


Fifty-four years ago my father died. I was two years old. I spent my life being scared because I felt like I had no one to stick up for me. What I didn't realize was that God, "as I understand him", would stick up for me anytime I asked him. What I couldn't comprehend was that God was my father too, that he would never leave me alone. All I had to do is reach out to Him and ask for help.

What I wanted the most but thought I could never have was the feeling of a father's arms around me, giving his little boy a hug. I spent years thinking that I was just a scared, little boy sitting in a corner with my blanket waiting for someone to give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay.

You may be thinking, "why's a 56 year old man writing this kind of stuff?" Well it's because in the 20+ years I've been sober, I haven't shut the door on the past. Why...because I can learn from my past and maybe help someone else.

When you've really had enough, when you finally decide that just because you're ****'s warm you don't have to sit in it, when you finally realize that the normal you've come to accept isn't normal at all, then and only then will you take the first step on the road to recovery.

God is waiting for you Carly. Take your Father's hand and let Him guide you. Get to an AA meeting and be as honest as you've been in writing your thoughts here.

Confusion is the friend of this disease, clarity is the enemy of this disease. Step through the doors of AA and see clearly what life can be like.

Ed W.
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Old 02-11-2007, 08:56 PM
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I thank everyone for their replies. AA is not an option for me and I hear the gasps, but it is not. It was organized religion that I grew up in and as much as I appreciate what has helped all of you, the term God makes my skin crawl.

Don't despair as I do have spirituality, I just can't handle the God talk. I call it spiritual energy and feel we're all interconnected in this light. I wish I could just take away the drinking and make it all better, but I felt this way long, long before I ever had a drink.

Please, while I know it's with the best intentions try to convert me to God, please accept that I need my own name for it. I feel so bad because when I post it's all about me. I'm the kind of friend to everyone else in my life that always listens and never talks to anyone about what's going on with me. No one in my life knows much about me. How weird to be in this place. It feels selfish and this writing feels bittersweet because of it.

Is everyone here specifically in AA or have others found their way through with other forms of counselling or group therapies?

Wishing you all peace in your journeys - xo Carly
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Old 02-11-2007, 09:25 PM
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hi carly,
ive only been to one NA meeting not too sure if its for me or not and the god thing is something im not too sure of as well when i hear it i just think of anything i believe is out there. not everyone needs AA or NA. any help therapists, doctors a trusted friend online support but mainly wanting to stay clean and sober and faith in yourself will help you in the long run. i was clean for 7 years with absitance as my only source of recovery. only now as i get older that i find im having a tougher time not having my slips. but thats because im thinking too much about the past and not thinking about today. thats another story. but stick with it have faith in yourself and hopes and dreams for yourself. things have a way of working themselves out if you just be patient and gentle with yourself.

staying sober one day, one minute, one second at a time
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:28 PM
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Carly I just learned last night in a meeting, that NA and AA is not religion specific. It's a big tent that all of us can fit under.

I also want to thank you for sharing, your posts and replies helped me very much.
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