For me, the feeling of perceived relief is what I imagined I would gain.
I thought I would no longer feel the guilt of not doing enough, the shame of being associated with my wacked out parents.
I felt my only way out and the only way I would be free would be through their death.
I used to try and imagine them dead and all I felt was sadness. Like I had unfinished business.
I knew it would be sad and I would grieve, but the hurt and anger I had made it unable for me to grieve while around them.
I couldnt imagine my grief being more than it already was.
I wanted to just get 'over' my issues and didnt think I could just remove myself from their life bc I felt I owed it to them. This sick sense of loyalty had me paralyzed.
Ultimaltely, I realized it had nothing to do with whether they were physically alive or not. It had to do with whether I was emotionally alive or not. Living so many years disfunctionally didnt allow me to properly understand grief, pain, pleasure, or any emotion quite honestly. I still get them all mucked up and confused. Im really feeling angry, but I think Im feeling powerful. Im really feeling hurt, but it comes out as anger.
My parents are both alive and Im glad they are. I am getting better and recovering with the opportunity of seeing them both, on my terms.
Im grateful for that.
It allows me to see the reasons Im glad they are still here.