Do you?

Old 02-05-2007, 02:29 AM
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Do you?

Hi everyone.

I hope you are all well and that you had a good weekend...

I have often said that when my alcoholic mother dies, it won't be a loss for me as she's never really portrayed herself as a mother.

She has attempted suicide and has threatened to do it so many times, that I'm actually just waiting for that phone call.

What bothers me is the fact that I think I would feel utter relief when she dies. Like the sour part of my life will finally be gone forever, and that it would all just seem like a nightmare. I feel guilty about these thoughts sometimes. However, when she phones me (drunk beyond belief) and tells me that she can't anymore and she is going to die... those are the times I sit and almost wish for her to succeed in her attempt.

Have any of you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt that you don't really love this person... have wished for them to just die and leave you alone to live your life in peace?
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Old 02-05-2007, 04:37 AM
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Happy Monday Trinity!

I have battled those EXACT same thoughts for a few years now. I really do believe my mother will never recover, because she doesn't want to. And now that I have come to grips with that realization, I struggle with thoughts of her dying a lot. I read a quote in one of my favorite books not too long ago that went something like this..."I suprised myself when my mother died by crying. I always thought I hated her. Then I realized that I wasn't crying because of I lost *her*, but because of the wasted life she had". And I identified with that so much. Not sure about you, but at one time my mother and I were VERY very close...best friends. Then in the past few years she is another person. I think for us, it would really just release such a burden, because our mothers just aren't our "moms" anymore. And we are tired of being the parent, and worrying about them, and taking care of them, when we don't see any change or effort on their parts.

I don't think that we should worry about feeling guilty, even though I know we do. Our whole lives we have battled feelings of love and hate for them...and so often, the hate overpowers the love.

Best wishes....
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Old 02-05-2007, 06:41 AM
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Guilt almost always stems from a sense of 'should'.

As a humanitarian I 'should' not wish for someone's death.

But as a realist I know that death means an end, and sometimes when we just want something to stop, that end can look mighty appealing.

Perhaps instead of lashing yourself for the 'should' you can change it to the is. "I feel this way." With no judgements on why you feel this way, just that you do, accepting that you feel what you feel is nothing to feel guilty about. We are not in charge of our emotions, they will be what they are. How we act on them is what is important.

You can feel the way you do with no cause for self criticism - now, if you were to intentionally kill your mother, that would be where the problem would lie.

Let the emotions be what they are, and accept them. The actions you take in respect to those emotions are the significant aspect.
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Old 02-05-2007, 06:46 AM
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Ginger: You always have the most wise replies :0) And I appreciate it so much...
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:04 AM
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Ginger

Thank you so much. As Ahimsa says... you give great advice.
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Old 02-05-2007, 01:22 PM
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Yes, I've been where you are. Not only that I think I survived. I never actually wished my mother would die, bu I knew my life would be better when she did. And it has been in many ways. While she was still alive my Dad didn't drink. Now he's my alcoholic. When I came to the point that I was looking forward to his passing, I cut off contact with him. I've got to believe it's better for both of us. I do believe whether they are still alive or if it's following their deaths, eventually we have to work through the relationship and our grief over it's limitations. Good Luck to you, this is a very, very hard place to find yourself.
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Old 02-06-2007, 08:36 AM
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I have often found myself feeling the same way about my mother. There really is some great advice here....
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Old 02-06-2007, 09:10 AM
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i often find myself feeling/thinking the same way about my mother ... i haven't had any contact with her for a year and i'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop ...
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Old 02-06-2007, 06:52 PM
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For me, the feeling of perceived relief is what I imagined I would gain.
I thought I would no longer feel the guilt of not doing enough, the shame of being associated with my wacked out parents.

I felt my only way out and the only way I would be free would be through their death.

I used to try and imagine them dead and all I felt was sadness. Like I had unfinished business.

I knew it would be sad and I would grieve, but the hurt and anger I had made it unable for me to grieve while around them.
I couldnt imagine my grief being more than it already was.

I wanted to just get 'over' my issues and didnt think I could just remove myself from their life bc I felt I owed it to them. This sick sense of loyalty had me paralyzed.

Ultimaltely, I realized it had nothing to do with whether they were physically alive or not. It had to do with whether I was emotionally alive or not. Living so many years disfunctionally didnt allow me to properly understand grief, pain, pleasure, or any emotion quite honestly. I still get them all mucked up and confused. Im really feeling angry, but I think Im feeling powerful. Im really feeling hurt, but it comes out as anger.

My parents are both alive and Im glad they are. I am getting better and recovering with the opportunity of seeing them both, on my terms.
Im grateful for that.

It allows me to see the reasons Im glad they are still here.
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Old 02-11-2007, 04:48 PM
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Thanks be for being anonymouse. I could NEVER admit my stuff in person. If I had your stuff I might feel the same as you do.

I take care of my mother and my grandmother because I am an only child and I feel I should not because I care for them. In my whinny moments I think why do I have to take care of them. They never took care of me. Then I feel guilty cause its just me and them and some really really distant cousins. I helped take care of my uncle too but hes dead now. So you might say Im an only only now. LOL.

My grandmother has alzheimers and just went into a nursing home recently. My mother still lives alone but I stop in frequently and she has meals on wheels and the state provides help three days a week.

She is adamant about not going to a nursing home. My greatest fear is that she wont be able to live alone. I DO NOT want this woman in my house. If she is awake she is complaining. Im afraid if I was around her 24/7 it would wear off on me. I dont like me like that.

So yes sometimes I do wish she would just go way so I dont have to deal with the drama that I know is going to happen when she cant live alone. And yes I do feel guilty for wishing it.
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Old 02-11-2007, 05:22 PM
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I'm definitely so grateful that my mom is still alive, but I have had these exact same thoughts as well and felt very guilty about it. My thinking was that if she died, at least that was something I could get over and move on from eventually, instead of her being drunk and me constantly worrying what would happen this time and then getting sober and me constantly worrying when she was going to start drinking again.
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Old 02-12-2007, 11:02 AM
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This resonates but of course I want my mother to live. It has played on my mind lately and I get scared when she doesn't answer her phone. I begin imagining horrible things that could have happened. I'm so scared of not being there for her when she needs me. It has taken over my life. Every waking hour I wonder if she is ok.

I don't know how to stop this cycle but it is causing me great anxiety.
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Old 02-12-2007, 05:07 PM
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Bravery,
This is exactly what I'm going through too so I know how you feel. My mom likes to ignore the phone, and when she doesn't answer I sit and stew and worry about all the things that might have happened, which causes me to call frantically over and over again until she picks up. Then when I do talk to her a lot of times I feel worse because she sounds awful and won't get help.

I'm trying really, really hard to break this habit of obsessive worrying, because it doesn't do her any good and is terrible for me. But I, too, am afraid if I don't call I might miss an opportunity to help her.

I feel good about today so far though... only two calls and one conversation.

Good luck to you!
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Old 02-12-2007, 07:03 PM
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I, too, am afraid if I don't call I might miss an opportunity to help her.
Ahh, detachment ...

My ex used to obsess over his father's health. Every time the phone rang, no matter how inconvenient, he had to answer it. 'What if it's my father and he needs help?' well in that case he should be calling 911, not you.

for a while my alkie jailbird brother was calling us collect at midnight demanding money and ex refused to not answer the phone when it rang in the middle of the night. 'what if it's my father?' so then he had to deal with an angry abusive homicidal addict on the other end. DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE! YOU CAN'T HELP HIM ANYWAY!!!!

I mean, what, are you God? that you and only you can help when someone's dying? that's what 911 is for. Someone who is drinking themselves to death, is taking their life into their own hands, and you canNOT stop them. 'Helping' them is not helping - that's the hard part.

Realistically. If someone's bound and determined to kill themselves, you can't stop them anymore than you can stop them from drinking themselves to death. If someone has fallen or had a heart attack, you can't help them, they need an ambulance, not their daughter unless you are an EMT or an MD! Death is inevitable for all of us, and for some with incurable illnesses like alcoholism, death is the only way out of the pain. No need to hurry it but your feelings are totally understandable when you wish someone would just get it over with and die. I used to feel that way about ex AH and his suicide attempts. Just get it over with! and stop putting me through this torture! let me get on with my life. I ended up divorcing him and then the suicide attempts stopped.

When I was a child I used to dread my parents' deaths, not because I didn't want them to die and leave me alone, but because I knew I could not grieve like everyone would expect me to and then they'd think I was some kind of monster. Then when my dad did die, I cried horribly at the service, because he would never be able to change and become a real father. He was no great loss as he was, but now there was no possibility of improvement and that's what I grieved over.

oh well ... progress not perfection ... we all do our best.
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Old 02-13-2007, 06:22 AM
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Mushroom, that sounds like a lot of progress to me. Being able to detach well enough to realize that you have no control over the situation is HUGE.

I, too, will most likely mourn the loss of possibility. In some ways, I already do.
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:29 AM
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Mushroom you are so right.
Thats why I have caller ID and an answering machine right beside my chair.. If I dont recognize the number or if I do and I dont want to talk I dont pick up. I can hear you leave a message on the machine and if I want to talk I pick up. Some days I just cant deal with anymore complaining.
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