welcome and thank you for pouring yourself out on this thread. there is a lot of support on these boards and many wise and wonderful members.
from my experience, i believe that no one can move forward through the pain to the other side of it while using alcohol as a security blanket for the emotion.
you sound like you are recognizing the fact that you need to put yourself first--and that means putting your sobriety first too. you are worth it--and you need to know that in your own head. save yourself. you can do it.