Emotional Suicide
In denial..... out of denial.... sometimes sober...... sometimes not and all I do now is look around wondering what's what now. I don't even like being drunk now. I don't like being around drunk people. I'm mad that there was this invisible line I didn't see and apparently walked over. I know part of it is growing up and letting go. In a way, I miss the nievity of being 20-something and "knowing it all". I had no self-doubt. I gave opinions as if God shared the details of your lives with me. I was so sure if I did A, B and C, I'd get D.... and when I realized that I ultimately had no control over life with the failure of my past relationship, it changed me.
While for the better, something happened to me. Instead of being so sure of myself and passing judgement on everyone else, I'm now so unsure of myself. I just dug myself a hole instead, filled it with wine and hopped in. I realize I have a greater purpose than this. I'm also equally sure of myself in that I'm a very smart girl that can do well at anything I put my mind to...... so why the mess?
I've read the books, I've gone for therapy and nothing helps because there's this little voice that I only hear if I give it wine. Only then do I realize what a mess I am. I have a really great life overall. I am amazed that I now married such an incredible man, that I live in the house I do, have the opportunities I do... I am very grateful and that's what makes me angrier about being this mess because I've been given a lot of gifts in my life yet I feel paralized.
I think to myself...... do I not feel I deserve this? Am I afraid of failure? What???? What???? I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful for but somehow, for some reason, I am not able to live life normally.
It all comes back to one place, one inescapable place that I don't know how to heal. My father died when I was very young and I went through a lot of abuse but I was a survivor. I can reconcile and forgived what happened to me. The problem is that I dealt with all this growing up by holding this fantasy of how much different it would have been if my father wasn't taken from me, how my mother wouldn't have been so sad and overwhelmed, and the men that came with that, and what it would have felt like to be a family.
And then I found out my father committed suicide in my 20's and I guess I haven't been able to reconcile a single thing since. If I can forgive everyone else, why can't I forgive him? I understand it logically, like an illness, and sober, I'm fine but then the anxiety brews underneath until I have enough wine to feel what's really going on. It breaks me down whereas I'm so used to just dredging forward.
I would never kill myself but it's like I'm dead already but just enjoying the smell of life while I'm still here. I so want to delete all these words because I feel exposed yet I know that this is pivotal to my recovering no matter how bad this feels.
I do appreciate so much, all of you because I have never found a safe place before to ever talk of such things. Everything you've ever felt bad about can be translated into feeling good in how you help other people being here, because if it weren't for you I would have no where to go.
BrandiK - always thinking of you!