oh! and brandi...
no more advice (she says sheepishly) but you are dead-right about your words...How did I get here? here every aspect of my life, that I lived before drinking, suddenly has to be re-learned? That my sisters and best friends are suddenly something to be wary of? That my own skin is such an uncomfortable place to live? How did this happen? I thought my life was quite manageable, thank you. But take the alcohol out of it, and suddenly it seems more and more it wasn't. I lost control somewhere in there. I functioned, but it wasn't me. Else this wouldn't be so hard, would it?
that's the stuff i'm trying to deal with now too, this a.m., dh and i had another huge fight (which seem to build up, then blow, but eventually knock down the walls that come between us so that we can communicate again) about that stuff earlier. i basically screamed i don't know how to live. before, when i was mad, or sad, or lonely, or happy, or bored, or sick, i'd take a drink. now, i can't do that. what CAN i do? where do i go with this whatever-that-i-feel? how am i supposed to cope and who am i really? and, dear Lord, how did my life get so darn messed up? there's not just junk in my junk drawer, but there's crap in all the drawers; it's true literally and figuratively.
...and your words about this addiction being d@mned sneaky is also spot-on. aa says cunning, baffling and powerful (or something like that). and it really is. and it visits you in many disguises and tries different approaches. sick. really. and it sucks. big time. one of the best slips i read was in "dry" by augusten burroughs. "best" because it was so easy. so normal. so mundane. and ultimately so near-deadly. and you (the reader) can so see it happening to you in the same way.
ok. now, where's that pink cloud again?