Good morning everyone! It's neat to come on and see people waking up around the world!
Lil'Miss is still sleeping. She perked up pretty well last night, but she's been doing that at nights. So I guess we will see when she gets up. Dh wanted to take her out today, but I told him, like it or not buddy, your home bound. Take he rout, and she'll relapse. This flu is a lingerer.
I didn't get to be gone most of the weekend, but that's ok. I missed talking to my sponsor last night which blows. Soon I'll be switching to working Sundays and that will be so much easier because I can meet w/ her Sunday morning instead of Sat night. She lives right near my work. PLUS, I can get a whole and guilt free meeting Sun. before work too. That will be awesome. No hubby over my shoulder saying 'you be gone until when...?'
I love my hubby, and he's trying so hard to be supportive, but he is also very needy of my time. He was happy I can home last night, but then got all pouty because I announced I'll now be meeting her Monday night instead. No, we can't just miss a week. I mean, I suppose I could, but that would be bad for me.
I also announced I'd go to a meeting today before getting my hair done (aren't you proud of me how I no longer ask, I announce? I am so trained to respond to his emotions it's very hard when he pouts or gets depressed, but I am going anyway, so I must be getting better at it ... what was that book by Beattie? Co-Dependant No More? I think I need to read it.) He says, "But you went to 2 meetings this week, that's all Barbara requires of you", "Yes dear, because she knows I have 3 kids and little free time. But *I* know that 2 meetings a week I struggle, 3 or more I cruize. It's *me* deciding my meetings. Not her, she just helps."
He did not like that. But he likes me sober, so I guess that is it.
Yesterday I was doing very good. I work in a metaphysical book store, have I told you that? And because of the holiday schedules, I have not seen some people that work there in over a month. We have some psychic readers there (it's such a fun place to work) and they have not seen me much either. Yesterday, they and some customers kept coming up asking what is so different about me. The readers said my whole energy has changed, and it was commented on several times that I have lost weight, look healthier, have more energy, seem happier, etc. I was on such a *high*. My boss was gone and my co-worker declared that I deserved to take a long lunch and attend the entirity of my meeting, I normally only get 1/2 houry, during my break, and the whole meeting was about fun in recovery. Boosted my high even more. Even coming home to my sick girl, and knowing I could snuggle her and face this sober was a treat.
But then ... I ended up on the phone with a member of my larger group. (in short, my spiritual group is part of a larger community of 3, soon to be 4, other groups). She was with 2 other women, they were hanging out after making taper candles with everyone all day and I was figuring out how much $$ my group owed, I was at work thus could not make it. Anyway ... seems so long huh? ... she and the other 2 were all that was left and they were hanging out, drinking wine, and playing on their drums. They were all 3 from a group I belonged in when my drinking career started again, before I started the group I am currently in. I drank freely with these ladys as aften as possible, and judged everyone else together while in the process. It's hard to see what a judgemental lot they are.
Suddenly I was faced with sudden fear and irrational thoughts. I have faced my soberity is many different situations, but not yet with my group as a whole. I have not yet had to do that, and really dont want to. I drank quit a bit at our gatherings.
Suddenly I am thinking that no one will like me any more, that it wont be fun any more (been with this group for a damned decade, BEFORE I started drinking again .... ) suddenly wanted to be free with a glass of wine, my girl friends, and my big drum. We loved to go through a few bottles while drumming away. I suddenly found myself wondering if I can still do that? Can I still play with these women, even on my stupid drum, sober?
It was so crazy, so out of the blue, so strong, I just sat and cried. And, being full on PMS, it was so much worse. It was all that damned demon talking over my shoulder, and I could not ignore it. I was having *such* a great day, and one moment of weakness I was battling that demon like crazy. This addiction is damned sneaky if you ask me.
It's so amazing how out of the blue these things come at you! I asked my husband if it will be the same ... will my group, my spiritual family, be the same? And he is so wonderful, even if he is needy. He said, "Brandi, nothing is ever going to be the same. Your living a different life. But you are strong and smart, you'll learn to love it more sober. Just don't drink!" ('Just don't drink and I wont get drunk' is my mantra ... he was calling on that.) Then he just held me the rest of the night.
Tonight, after I get my hair done (SO excited about that!) I have a meeting with some of these ladies. It's called an Elders meeting. Those of us that have been around for a long time, and are leaders of the group in a way, we meet up and make decisions for the group as a whole based on our individual groups desires and what would be best for everyone all together. We are like the care takers.
Well, normally, into the business end of the process, often while talking about issues that are difficult, we'd start some wine and go a few bottles. They both know I am in soberity. One I don't think will drink, at least to start. She'll say it's because she's on a diet, but I think it's because of me. The other would drink anyway, which would get the first to have a few. Unless she really is on a diet. She is addicted to diets if you ask me, and take them very seriously lol
And there I will sit. In the midst of this. Focusing on business at hand and learning to be ok with all this. How did I get here? here every aspect of my life, that I lived before drinking, suddenly has to be re-learned? That my sisters and best friends are suddenly something to be weary of? That my own skin is such an uncomfortable place to live? How did this happen? I thought my life was quite managable, thank you. But take the alcohol out of it, and suddenly it seems more and more it wasn't. I lost control somewhere in there. I functioned, but it wasnt me. Else this wouldnt be so hard, would it?
It's just a new step in this whole soberity thing. I know it will be fine. I know my HP has a good eye on me. I know that my group will still be amazing, wonderful, loving, and my faith will not be rocked. But I am still reeling from those two gals who ditched me because I have an addiction and sought help. Will others jusge me too?
That was a big'ol ramble. Sorry.
Dh is all down and pouty because I'll be gone all day. Man, I love the guy, he's honestly my best friend, but, I so wish he'd get on some antidepresants. I think maybe he did have a problem with drinking after all, and I am better due to a program. I still see him back there floundering, with no way to self medicate this depression he refuses to admit exists. Oh well, what ever happens, I have my tools now, with out a doubt. And I have to be selfish and put my soberity first. I have a strong group of support for my soberity in my individual spiritual group, they have held my shaking hands all the way through, a strong connection with my HP, and a strong program going in AA. I just wish he could find a way to be happy more often with my holding his hand through it.
Baby girl is up, and she's got quite a cough now, so off to start my day. Poor Dh, at home all day with sick kids. But I did it a number of times, so he can handle it. I have to let him do it, right? My freakin hair is getting done today! Thank you for reading this big ol, long, totally rambly, and I-am-sure-not-making-any-sense post lol I feel much better.
Love you mamas!