((((newenglandgirl)))
Your post took me down memory lane.
For many years, I did my best to conceal my H's alcoholism, mostly (as some here have said) to shield myself from the humilation of having others know the truth about my situation and to spare my AH from the embarrassment of a 'problem' that I had hoped he would overcome - therefore, no need to tell.
Many years ago when H was drunk and being an a**, I asked him if he wanted to go to his parents and let them see the condition he was in. (They didn't know about his alcoholism) I thought he'd decline; instead he said 'Yeah, let's go!'. I was hesitant to take him, (and had hoped just the mere idea of his parents knowing the truth would motivate him to change because he valued their admiration and respect). I didn't really want to put them through it (they were elderly and his father was ill) but AH called my bluff. Long story short, we went to my inlaws and they knew immediately something was wrong when we arrived.
The four of us sat down to talk and for the first time, they became aware of AH's drinking. They were sad, of course, to discover what life was like for me, and concerned about their son getting help. They were supportive of both of us, and I felt relieved that they knew the truth. (My parents already knew.) I thought, finally, I have some help.
From that point forward, I was more open with people about AH's drinking. (and let me add, selective about with whom I shared that information) I thought by allowing other family members and close friends in on the secret, it would be harder for AH to remain in denial. I honestly believed that if AH received encouragement from others (vs only hearing it from me - the bitchy wife) that he would once and for all address the 'problem'.
Fast forward a decade later, an intervention, detox, rehab, AA meetings, counseling and I forget what other measures have been taken -- my AH still drinks (heavily) to this day. Not the outcome I'd hoped for.
In the end, I know I've done all that I can to help him. I don't regret bringing others in on his secret (our secret, really). While it didn't produce the results I'd wanted, it did provide some good for both of us.
As codependents, we get in the mode of protecting others at all cost, all the while, harming ourselves. Do what you need to do for yourself first. If that involves enlisting the help of family members, friends, etc. for your own support then do it.
Glad you're here and reaching out to others.
Peace to you~
Godhelpme