calling in the calgary

Old 01-11-2007, 02:04 PM
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NEG, it's got to be so hard I know I'd feel the same as you. You are concerned about enabling. I can remember making a list of all the things I did to hide xabf's drinking without even realizing it! A lot of it was to hide it from his family. (because I mistakenly thought at the time that he was just going through a really rough period in his life and that it would certainly calm down at some point so why alarm his family.) When I finally did alert his mom to my concerns she dismissed it. I felt bad then that I had helped hide the extent of his drinking problem. But in the end I realize if she did truly acknowledge it still wouldn't stop him.

I guess my advice to you, to clear your conscious would be to not go out of your way to hide his disease. Nor do you need to announce it to everyone. Unless you were planning an intervention...

But most of all do what is right for YOU and let him handle his disease his own way. ie let him lie and hide it himself.
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Old 01-11-2007, 07:13 PM
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Last June I rec'd a nasty letter from my MIL blaming the kids and I for my XAH's problem...when she knew before we were married 22 years ago that he was an alcoholic...go figure...her little presh, presh walks on water. I wonder what they think now? His new wife - you know the hooch he cheated on me with - has 3 dui's behind her !!! I guess he needed a drinking buddy. One thats good in bed. So what does my MIL think now? Who knows. Who cares. I told her he is her problem now. Not ours. Enjoy.
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:27 PM
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How do you know when to let someone "handle their disease in their own way" or when to do an intervention? I'm confused! My AH is extremely depressed and seems unable to reach out. I'm not sure if leaving him alone for long periods of time is letting him make his own decisions regarding his issues, or abandoning him when he is in crisis. How do we know when to intervene?
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
How do you know when to let someone "handle their disease in their own way" or when to do an intervention? I'm confused! My AH is extremely depressed and seems unable to reach out. I'm not sure if leaving him alone for long periods of time is letting him make his own decisions regarding his issues, or abandoning him when he is in crisis. How do we know when to intervene?
I am not sure of your situation. Is you husband away from home? Do you know where he is? I'm thinking that one way you could get everyone involved, your parents and his parents (and anyone else who loves him), is by doing an intervention. Is this what you are thinking?
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:53 PM
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My husband is mostly, these days, by himself at home while I live with my family. I am confused as to whether the "best" thing to do is to leave him and let him decide when he is ready for help, or to get his family involved and have them come out here in person and tell him to get help.
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Old 01-11-2007, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
My husband is mostly, these days, by himself at home while I live with my family. I am confused as to whether the "best" thing to do is to leave him and let him decide when he is ready for help, or to get his family involved and have them come out here in person and tell him to get help.
Why does your family think you are living with them? They obviously know you are having problems in your marriage if you are living with them and not your husband. I'm thinking that they probably know more than you think they know under the circumstances.

Do you think an intervention would do any good?
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Old 01-11-2007, 09:04 PM
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My family knows what is going on. His does not.
I am completely unsure if an intervention would do any good. ugh!
Sometimes I think that my AH would just deny it all and then when everyone left, he'd just sink even deeper into his misery (I'm worried that if he knew his parents knew that it would greatly increase his depression) OR sometimes I think (hope!) that he would just break down and cry and want help and then start on his road to recovery. I just don't know! I am sick with worry.
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Old 01-11-2007, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
My family knows what is going on. His does not.
I am completely unsure if an intervention would do any good. ugh!
Sometimes I think that my AH would just deny it all and then when everyone left, he'd just sink even deeper into his misery (I'm worried that if he knew his parents knew that it would greatly increase his depression) OR sometimes I think (hope!) that he would just break down and cry and want help and then start on his road to recovery. I just don't know! I am sick with worry.
Why do his parents think you no longer live with your husband?

As for an intervention, I don't know if it would do any good or not. I've heard of stories where they worked wonders and others where it was a futile attempt. The alcoholic/addict has to be ready to accept help in order for anything to work. I really just don't know.

And I really don't have any advice. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard.
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Old 01-11-2007, 11:08 PM
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Mallowcup, SKW and HolyQow – if I didn’t know better I would think you and I must be sister-in-laws. My MIL is just like this but an A herself and so are all her children. FIL has alzheimers so no help there. She too married 49 years, brags how she has stayed married through thick & thin but then first sign of trouble, tells her children to file for a divorce. All the siblings have been thru divorces, have problems and of course it always the incorrigible partner they had. It couldn’t possibly be that alcohol is the entrée at every meal.

NewEglandgirl
I went to my In-laws last spring begging for help. Not like they didn’t know, they had dealt with this for the last 30 years whenever T got into a depressed mode, he drank to avoid & forget his problems. Would have been nice for someone to give me a heads-up but it is what it is. When all h*** broke loose they turned on me like wolves on a fresh kill.

With my own family, I made excuses, covered up, outright lied all to save embarrassment for both myself and T. However, a major A event occurred that caused severe embarassment and humilation, that I may have avoided had I opened up to my family sooner. Little did I know, my family knew all along but didn’t want to interfere until I asked for help. As soon as I told them everything and asked for help their support has been tremendous.

After the big blow out I found a therapist, alanon and this forum. I now realize how really fogged my thinking was. If I had known then what I know now, I would have looked at all the people in our lives, confided in some of them about the problem, built myself a support group through alanon, family and friends first and then let his family know where things stood. Then I would have let it be their business on how they chose to deal with it. If they choose to be part of the support group fine, if not leave them be.

You say your father wants to tell your FIL about what going on. What about you? What do you want to do? I personally think it would have more impact and be more important coming from you but how about your father going with you for moral support?

You also said you worry about how your AH will react. All you have to do is listen in at alanon and read these posts. Alcoholism IS progressive, waiting has the snowball effect.

Good luck and prayers to you.
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Old 01-12-2007, 05:58 AM
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Remember the three C's

Can't Change him,
Can't Control him,
Can't Cure him.

Controlling him is also getting HIS parents involved. That is not for you to decide. Talking to your parents is your decision. But, in my experience my parents would listen and then tell me that I can do better then him and expect me to leave right then and there. My mother does not understand that I have to take each day "One day ay a time."

Stay strong for yourself. You need to work on you.
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Old 01-13-2007, 06:30 AM
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((((newenglandgirl)))

Your post took me down memory lane.

For many years, I did my best to conceal my H's alcoholism, mostly (as some here have said) to shield myself from the humilation of having others know the truth about my situation and to spare my AH from the embarrassment of a 'problem' that I had hoped he would overcome - therefore, no need to tell.

Many years ago when H was drunk and being an a**, I asked him if he wanted to go to his parents and let them see the condition he was in. (They didn't know about his alcoholism) I thought he'd decline; instead he said 'Yeah, let's go!'. I was hesitant to take him, (and had hoped just the mere idea of his parents knowing the truth would motivate him to change because he valued their admiration and respect). I didn't really want to put them through it (they were elderly and his father was ill) but AH called my bluff. Long story short, we went to my inlaws and they knew immediately something was wrong when we arrived.

The four of us sat down to talk and for the first time, they became aware of AH's drinking. They were sad, of course, to discover what life was like for me, and concerned about their son getting help. They were supportive of both of us, and I felt relieved that they knew the truth. (My parents already knew.) I thought, finally, I have some help.

From that point forward, I was more open with people about AH's drinking. (and let me add, selective about with whom I shared that information) I thought by allowing other family members and close friends in on the secret, it would be harder for AH to remain in denial. I honestly believed that if AH received encouragement from others (vs only hearing it from me - the bitchy wife) that he would once and for all address the 'problem'.

Fast forward a decade later, an intervention, detox, rehab, AA meetings, counseling and I forget what other measures have been taken -- my AH still drinks (heavily) to this day. Not the outcome I'd hoped for.

In the end, I know I've done all that I can to help him. I don't regret bringing others in on his secret (our secret, really). While it didn't produce the results I'd wanted, it did provide some good for both of us.

As codependents, we get in the mode of protecting others at all cost, all the while, harming ourselves. Do what you need to do for yourself first. If that involves enlisting the help of family members, friends, etc. for your own support then do it.

Glad you're here and reaching out to others.

Peace to you~
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