SoConfused,
My Mom turned 80 years old last week. As a child growing up, I watched as she lived a perfectly codependant (needing to take care of people/need to feel needed) and enabling life with my father and 2 of my brothers. My father was a womanizer and a workaholic. My brothers were/are drug users. One is drug free but that came after being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. The other went from alcohol, to cocaine, to crack to heroine and is still a heroine user as I type this.
All of my childhood I watched as my Mother payed their bills, got them out of jail, put them in rehabs and lied through her teeth to protect her baby boys. She covered it all up as much as she could, so that my father wouldn't blow his mind at her for the little amount of time that he was actually home. Then, I had the privalege of watching as my father blamed my mother constantly for raising such bad children because it wasn't his fault because he wasn't home. He HAD to work to pay the bills and afford those nice new cadillacs every couple years.
My mom loves my kids. She is very attached to them and enjoys spending time here at my house. For the past couple of weeks, she has been staying here during the week while I work because although my daughter was doing a fine job watching her little brother...I mean, she fed him and made sure the house didn't fall down LOL...my mother insisted that an adult should be present during the day. Well, I figured maybe she was just lonely and wanted to hang out so I said no problem.
Early this week I had a feeling something wasn't quite right because HER phone number kept coming up on my called ID but SHE was here. HMMMM...didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she was letting one of the two baby boys stay in her apt. while she was here. However, one of them must have laid a guilt trip on her or needed money, so all of the sudden, my kids don't need an adult here anymore during the day while I'm at work. She asked to please be taken home last night so my husband did just that, before I got home from work. I never said a word, I just let her go.
There was a time when I would have at least tried to tell her they are 42 and 47 years old...30 years is long enough to enable someone to be an addict and to use you but this time I didn't. What was even funnier was that my dear AH was so angry about it!!!!LOL He went on and on about how rediculous my mother is for supporting them and putting up with thier lies and bullcrap for all these years!! I had to laugh!! I'm sitting there biting my tongue off thinking.."AND WHAT the heck do you think people say about ME behind my back????"LOL
I guess the point I'm getting at is this; My mom is 80 years old. She was never really what I'd call codependant/angry because I never heard her say a harsh word to my father or my brothers. All she did was take care of the. She was the biggest martyr I've ever known in my whole life. I love her dearly and wish that her life had been better and different but I grew up to be codependant because I SWORE I'd never allow myself to be like her. I am the exact opposite or well, I used to be anyway. I'm not an enabler by any means but I am a recovering "codie" as they say here.
This is your chance to actually help your bf to understand if not what he did, at least the consequences of it. My brother's never got any consequences and that's why my 80 year old mother is home tonight taking care of two grown able bodied MEN, instead of here enjoying laughter, hugs and kisses from her grandchildren, who want nothing from her but her love.