making choices

Old 08-07-2003, 07:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 8
Unhappy making choices

Well where do I begin? I was told going to Al-Anon would help me, so I thought I would try this.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. Things were going great for a while there and then one day things turned sour. He started drinking more. Became depressed. Wouldnt help with the bills or around the house.

A couple of weeks ago we had decided it would be best if we took a break. I was going to move out and get my own place. (Actually move into a new place with my mom).

Last Sunday my boyfriend came home and had been drinking all day. I asked him to please leave and find another place to stay that night. (Usually after a night of drinking he likes to pick fights). To make a long story short, he ended up getting very mad with me and hit me. I called the police. He was arrested and is now in a drug and alcohol addiction hospital awaiting his trial.

I love him so much. I want him to get the help he needs. I realize I need to help myself also. This was the first time he had ever hit me. He would always just verbally fight with me after drinking. He realizes he has a problem and needs help.

My family wants nothing to do with him and do not understand that I still care and have feelings for him. I want to support him and help him. As well as help myself.

I need support from someone.
soconfused is offline  
Old 08-07-2003, 08:28 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Confused!

Welcome to the forums. You're in the right place... support-r-us! There are a number of folks here who have endured tons of crap from addicts and alcoholics and still find it in their hearts to care about what happens to them. But while you may be able to support him and be a great one woman cheerleading squad... outside of that you can't help him. Please don't let "Underdog Syndrome" draw you in. (You know... everybody hates him... I'll love him... that'll save him.) It's okay to love him, but making a physical separation from someone who has been violent with you is the best thing you can do.

Look around the alanon and naranon pages... especially at the "power posts". They're just some especially helpful contributions from our members. They'll help you to know what alanon and naranon are all about and give you interesting things to think about. And think about getting yourself to a local alanon meeting.

Hugs!
Smoke
smoke gets in my eyes is offline  
Old 08-07-2003, 11:55 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 8
Smile

Thank you for the advise. I just hope for the best. I am not allowed to talk to him and he is not allowed to talk to me due to the court. I did write a letter to him about all the feelings I was experiencing. I sent it to his parents and asked that they give it to him when the time is right. I wrote down everything I was feeling, and how he hurt me.

I am trying to find a place to go for Al-Anon mtgs. I may just end up going with his mom. His parents have been very supportive of me through all of this. His dad is a recovering alcoholic of 20 some years. I just wish I had the same support from my family.
soconfused is offline  
Old 08-07-2003, 01:26 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
jojo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Confused -

You might want to get that letter back from his parents. It might have made you feel better to get your feelings out but telling him your feelings and how much he hurt you isn't going to do any good. First of all, that letter might just add to his guilt and all that will do is make him angrier - at himself and at you. Second, he must already know how you feel and repeating it isn't going to change anything.

That is the hardest thing to learn - you can't change him. You can only change yourself and how you deal with life. It is a very difficult lesson to learn. Take this time to sit back and take a deep breath. Think about what you want your life to be like - either with him or without him. Go to an Alanon meeting like you talked about. Do anything that will take your mind off of him and that will give you some pleasure and relief.

Hugs, Jo
jojo is offline  
Old 08-07-2003, 02:29 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
soconfused,

He is sitting in rehab because of something he did...and he should be. I am glad you called the police and I am glad they put him where he belongs. Far too often they let them out after they sober up and it all starts over again.

He is gaining some tools for the fight of his life. If you love him you will do the same. For yourself and your own fight.

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 08-07-2003, 07:45 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Paused
 
liddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
just adding to the support for you
and ditto to the words spoken.
You may love him but you cant save him
finding and believing that early on may save
you untold hours of worry that you can do it.
Find yourself a meeting and get your
head where it should be-on yourself !
If he actually goes through with a recovery program
his focus will be on himself.

hugs
liddy
liddy is offline  
Old 08-08-2003, 05:08 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 8
Thank you for the advise. I understand he will be focusing on himself right now. Thats what he needs. I am on the road to helping myself. I have friends that are supporting me. I am going to go to an Al-Anon mtg Sunday. As well as trying a new church with a friend.

I still feel strong about giving him the letter I wrote. Its nothing that would get him angry, it just talks about how I will support him anyway I can. I realize I need to take care of myself right now and that is exactly what I am going to do. Its just hard.

I told him I will not walk in front of him and put him down. I will not walk behind him and let him control me. But I will walk next to him and hold his hand.

I just need someone to hold my hand and I hope I have my friends to do exactly that. I understand he deserves what he gets. Its just hard to do what I am doing when you care about someone so much and only want the best for them.
soconfused is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 05:29 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 8
Well I went to my very first Al-Anon Meeting. I found it very helpful. I am excited to go to another. Everyone there were so nice and had been through similar things as myself. I feel by going to these meetings I will gain alot of strength.

My boyfriend was released from rehab yesterday. I saw him for the first time since the huge blowup. I think he expected me to welcome him back with open arms. That things could just be picked up right where we left them.

I told him that I needed to figure out what I wanted out of life. That while he was gone I needed to take care of myself. I rebuilt this wall and I wasnt going to let him break it down. That I still cared about him, and that it was going to take time to get over this.

I told him if he was going to be apart of my life again it will not be like it was before. I dont want to live my life like I was.

I learned last night at the Al-Anon mtg about step 3. To just let go of the things I cant control. That is exactly what I am trying to do.

Thanks for letting me post this. I just wanted to share my new strength and energy I found last night.
soconfused is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 06:06 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Thanks for sharing that SC. And woo-hoo for you!!!! Sounds like you're on the right track.

Hugs,
Smoke
smoke gets in my eyes is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 06:21 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
soconfused

I'm cheering for you too!!! Good for you for doing what may be the biggest favor you ever did yourself.

You will have good days and bad, and some things will come easy and others will take patience, work and time, but I promise you that it just keeps getting better and better, one day at a time.

Your post just made my day!!! Thank you.

Hugs
Ann
Ann is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 08:20 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Paused
 
EyesOpen's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
the best way to love him........

is to take care of yourself, and to set limits on what kind of behavior he must show when he is with you.

That not just my opinion, that's the advice I got from a recovered alcoholic, someone who understands both sides of the situation.

Sometimes love has to be tough.

You can't make him want to change, and you can't help or "support" him to change. He has to do it on his own, or it won't work.

The only thing you can do is to set standards for what is acceptable, and STICK to the standards, even if it isn't what you feel like doing at the time. Even if it hurts you to push him away.

Refusing to live with the alcohol doesn't mean you hate him, it means you love him.
EyesOpen is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 09:34 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
2many2count's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Welcome soconfused!!
There are so many things that come to mind right now. I have been where you are. I am married to an alcoholic and yes I love him very much. He has a bad temper when he doesn't get his way especially when he drinks. No, our relationship hasn't always been this way. In fact for a long time he wasn't violent with me at all. It took years of getting comfortable with me and his problem with alcohol. I finally had all I could take last week and I've filed for separation. He hit me, he broke my finger. I was left with bruises on my body as well as bruises on my heart. We went through the Detox thing and it didn't help. Why? Because he wasn't ready for it to help. He was made to do that and it wasn't his decision to get sober. So he stayed sober for 1 month and back to it he went except 10 times worse. It was if he was making up for lost time. What I'm trying to say is that you or the law aren't enough to get him sober. He has to WANT it. He has to hit the bottom of the barrel and work his way out of it. My husband and I have 4 kids and the love he has for us wasn't enough to get him sober. After 4 DWI's and spending some time in jail, that wasn't enough to get him sober. I have learned this the hard way and I'm now moving forward accepting the fact that I cannot fix him I can only fix me. You cannot make someone be the way you want them to be. That has been the biggest lesson of my life. I only have control over me and my own actions.
I am saying a prayer for you and I hope you read the power post on Detachment. It is awesome. I printed it out and have it posted on my fridge and I read it everyday. I also have one on Letting Go and that is absolutely the best one yet. I'm going to copy it on this post so that you can read it in case you can't find it.


Hugs,
2many
2many2count is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 09:36 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
2many2count's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Here it is....Please print it out and keep it where you can read it everyday.


Letting Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is to not judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND TO LOVE MORE.

Author: unknown


Sending you lots of HUGS
2many2count
2many2count is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 11:23 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Welcome Confused

Three cheers for you! Sounds like your meeting went well and you got some valuable information to get you started!

2many.....Letting Go is GREAT....thanks for putting there, I have printed it for myself!!

BLessings to both of you, Constant
constant is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 07:28 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Learning to love life...
 
EmotionalMeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi soconfused
Glad you found your way here.

It is probably true of all of us here: We LOVE our A's... and that is a wonderful thing! But love alone does not save them, or you. Love is a feeling; it doesn't mean we have to stay in a place where we are being hurt; it doesn't mean we have to jeopardize our own sanity and peace of mind; it doesn't carry with it an agenda or a set of rules. We can freely love anyone - no strings attached.

Giving yourself space from a dangerous situation / relationship, is always the right choice. Of course you still love him, and thats OK... Just remember that it doesn't mean you have to go back right now, or at any time when you are not ready.

I hope that you give Alanon a try - get your butt to a Face to Face meeting . I have learned so much and grown incredibly since I began my own recovery. It would be great if you found the same.
Take care
Meg
EmotionalMeg is offline  
Old 08-20-2003, 05:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 8
Well tomorrow is the big day, I have to go to court for what had happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I am so scared. I met with my boyfriend last night to discuss some things about the hearing. He has hired an attorney (a well known one that is very good). I am very confused and upset right know.

We met at a restaurant and started discussing it. He is scared right now and has no control over the situation. He started to tell me what I needed to say in court. He likes to have control of every situation. He basically was telling me it was my fault he was in this position and how he would do anything for me if I needed it, and that he thought I would do anything for him.

I got up in the restaurant and stood at the table and in front of everyone I said that he put himself in this postion. He was the one that did wrong. That he could hire the best lawyer in the world and they could put me up in the stand and question me and I would still tell the truth because I did nothing wrong.

I dont want to have to go to court tomorrow. I wish in a way none of this had ever happened. I am going to an al-anon mtg tonight. Maybe they will be able to help me find some kind of strength for tomorrow.
soconfused is offline  
Old 08-21-2003, 04:47 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
LongStrangeTrip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
SoConfused,
My Mom turned 80 years old last week. As a child growing up, I watched as she lived a perfectly codependant (needing to take care of people/need to feel needed) and enabling life with my father and 2 of my brothers. My father was a womanizer and a workaholic. My brothers were/are drug users. One is drug free but that came after being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. The other went from alcohol, to cocaine, to crack to heroine and is still a heroine user as I type this.
All of my childhood I watched as my Mother payed their bills, got them out of jail, put them in rehabs and lied through her teeth to protect her baby boys. She covered it all up as much as she could, so that my father wouldn't blow his mind at her for the little amount of time that he was actually home. Then, I had the privalege of watching as my father blamed my mother constantly for raising such bad children because it wasn't his fault because he wasn't home. He HAD to work to pay the bills and afford those nice new cadillacs every couple years.

My mom loves my kids. She is very attached to them and enjoys spending time here at my house. For the past couple of weeks, she has been staying here during the week while I work because although my daughter was doing a fine job watching her little brother...I mean, she fed him and made sure the house didn't fall down LOL...my mother insisted that an adult should be present during the day. Well, I figured maybe she was just lonely and wanted to hang out so I said no problem.

Early this week I had a feeling something wasn't quite right because HER phone number kept coming up on my called ID but SHE was here. HMMMM...didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she was letting one of the two baby boys stay in her apt. while she was here. However, one of them must have laid a guilt trip on her or needed money, so all of the sudden, my kids don't need an adult here anymore during the day while I'm at work. She asked to please be taken home last night so my husband did just that, before I got home from work. I never said a word, I just let her go.
There was a time when I would have at least tried to tell her they are 42 and 47 years old...30 years is long enough to enable someone to be an addict and to use you but this time I didn't. What was even funnier was that my dear AH was so angry about it!!!!LOL He went on and on about how rediculous my mother is for supporting them and putting up with thier lies and bullcrap for all these years!! I had to laugh!! I'm sitting there biting my tongue off thinking.."AND WHAT the heck do you think people say about ME behind my back????"LOL

I guess the point I'm getting at is this; My mom is 80 years old. She was never really what I'd call codependant/angry because I never heard her say a harsh word to my father or my brothers. All she did was take care of the. She was the biggest martyr I've ever known in my whole life. I love her dearly and wish that her life had been better and different but I grew up to be codependant because I SWORE I'd never allow myself to be like her. I am the exact opposite or well, I used to be anyway. I'm not an enabler by any means but I am a recovering "codie" as they say here.

This is your chance to actually help your bf to understand if not what he did, at least the consequences of it. My brother's never got any consequences and that's why my 80 year old mother is home tonight taking care of two grown able bodied MEN, instead of here enjoying laughter, hugs and kisses from her grandchildren, who want nothing from her but her love.
LongStrangeTrip is offline  
Old 08-22-2003, 12:36 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Paused
 
sunshyne's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 31
SoConfused...

I think our A's actually believe themselves. I know 2 years ago my husband and I where in a heated argument...he was drunk and slightly pushed me and my head busted on a rock. I think they put 3 staples in it...nothing major. He was kept telling me it was minor and I shouldn't have went to the hospital. I filed a restraining order out of anger not fear...revenge if you will. The courts slapped an assault charge on him. He was convinced that he did nothing wrong because I came to where he was staying. He hired an attorney and told the attorney he didn't do anything. By the time we went to court he had me believing that and I had tripped. I was defending him to no end. He even requested a jury trial several times. He never asked me to lie he just was so convincing I had trouble believing what happened. He got 2 years probation out of it and 1 year on the shelf for those 2 years. We requested tapes of the court hearings and when I watch them now...what an idiot I looked like.

I wish you well with your court date. I know it's hard to walk in that courtroom but believe me even if you side with him now...the Commonwealth most always takes it up. You have no say in the situation if you live in a Commonwealth State...which I do. In the end I am glad I do because that has 90% kept him on the straight and narrow as far as physical abuse.

Your in my thoughts...stand your ground and don't let him speak through your lips.
sunshyne is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:32 AM.