When I first got sober and had a few months in N.A. and A.A., I was hoping for a spiritual awaking along the lines of Jake (as portrayed by John Belushi) in the Blues Brothers movie. I wanted the beam of light from heaven illuminating me, the gospel choir singing, and James Brown shouting "Have you seen the light?"
Oddly enough, it didn't happen that way
What I got instead was a gradual opening up of my spiritual nature as the result of seeking it out with a willingness to at least drop my defenses a little bit. I actually read books with the word God in the title instead of dismissing them out of hand. I went on a men's recovery retreat despite thinking that it was so not for me, and then went back the next year partially because it was for me and partially because my sponsor nominated me to serve on the planning committee for three years. I even found myself attending a Catholic mass with a friend and her three daughters and got something out of it. I spent a great deal of time listening to other people talk about what spirituality meant to them, sometimes picking up the information from how they talked about it rather than the words they used. And because I've been a member of N.A. and A.A., I spent time working (thinking, talking, doing) the twelve steps and trying to help other people get clean.
I don't know if I can really pick one moment in time when the light went on, although I do remember one A.A. meeting around seven months in when I realized how very real the experience of recovery is and felt the need to remark on it with some passion. I've learned to trust other people and to trust my own feelings, but I know that didn't happen overnight. I do know that something has happened to me during the past four years because I just feel different inside, I don't feel so much like I'm watching the world from the outside looking in. I also know that the quickest way to shut down this new thing is to pick up a drink and I'm kinda liking this new thing.