Hi Gracie,
I looked over this post a few times, and was either to busy to respond, or just didn't know EXACTLY what I wanted to say...
But, I knew I'd come back to it eventually.
I have to admit, I have had the exact same feelings regarding the feeling of "selling out" in my relationship also; I mean, my life is MINE to lead... why do I CHOOSE to live with and continue a relationship with an Alcoholic / Addict?! Surely there are better choices I can make. I MUST be afraid of something... I MUST be just wasting my time. But, lately I am beginning to see it in a different light...
I went to my Alanon meeting last week feeling like a total wreck. I was upset because my husband (who is 4 months sober) was so self-involved and egotistical, even when he's NOT drinking. I was beginning to feel like I didn't exist in our relationship - all the focus has been on him, his recoevry etc. And he was constantly wanting encouragement, cuddles, sex
It was all "me, me, me". I wanted to be NOTICED, and cared for and nurtured and loved....
This is when my sponser (and others) reminded me how I was not taking care of myself by having expectations of my husband. I was wanting HIM to make ME feel loved and fullfilled and happy... Um, HELLO! Only I can be responsible for my feelings and the way my life plays out - happy or sad, fullfilled or dissapointed... it is in my own two hands.
She showed me that by dropping my expectations, I am open to receive his love in whatever form it arrives. Sure, he's an Alcoholic... he is not as capable of being concerned of anothers well being. But, he is also my husband, and he does truly love and care for me. I have noticed the little ways he cares and loves me, and though it is not the "fireworks" I desire, I am learning to be grateful for being given the gift of his friendship and love.
Which leads me to my point (whew!)
We each are equipped with the right tools to live our life - just as God never gives us more than we can handle. The fact that we choose to live with, love and maintain the relationship with our A husband seems NOT to be a cop-out at all. An Alcoholic / Addict has a lot more to struggle with that us "normies", but it certainly does not mean that they are not WORTHY of love, or that WE are "weak" for loving them. It is important that we are able to keep safe from any danger such a relationship can bring... But, we can have a program (alanon / Naranon) and seek guidance for ourselves, and we soon learn to put ourselves first, and truly taking CARE of ourselves... This IS a beautiful way to live - whether you love an alcoholic or not! We ARE independant and self-sufficient. We are in a loving relationship... and we have nothing to be ashamed of
Take care
Meg