Does staying make you hypocritical?

Old 08-15-2003, 12:03 PM
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Does staying make you hypocritical?

Ok, perhaps I am confused on this. I suppose I have somewhat extremist viewpoints so bear with me. I was raised by a single mother who is about the strongest person I know - she has never tolerated much of anything that she didn't have to and might be considered a ball buster by most - maybe even selfish. She is one of those people who believes you are a sell out if you aren't 100% true to yourself, a lot of this has rubbed off on me. I am hearing how Al Anon is for the A's wife/husband/whomever. It is designed to help you cope and take care of yourself, right? I just don't see how doing this and really benefitting from it would be conducive to remaining in the relationship at all. I guess part of my fear in seeking this help for myself is the reality that I might take a hike right out of my marriage. Aside from alcohol, there is not one thing wrong with it. He's my best friend.
SO, I guess I am just wondering how do I stay with someone who has this terrible habit and be able to live with myself? Is this not 'selling out?' I guess in love, there is not always a clear cut answer..
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Old 08-15-2003, 12:38 PM
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Gracie -

First of all, you are not your mother. Although we all try to please our parents, no matter how old we are, you shouldn't live your life based on what would make your mother happy.

The basis of Alanon is to teach you to take care of yourself and live a happier life regardless of what your husband is doing. I think that the most important thing that anyone can learn is that you cannot control another person's thoughts or actions. Hopefully, learning the Alanon program will help you to decide whether you can live happily with the situation you are in or give you tools you need to leave the relationship. That is up to you to decide.

It is so frightening to think about making that decision but as others have said, you don't have to decide anything right now. You can be married one day at a time. All Alanon can do is teach you ways to live a better life regardless of whether there is an A in your life or not.

The definition of "selling out" can only come from you. Alot of us on this site and in Alanon have chosen to stay with the people we love and others have decided that it is not a life that they can continue with. This should be about pleasing yourself and not others that you are afraid will judge you. I know that it is really hard to do. Since you don't have to decide right this minute, take some time to breathe. Try an Alanon meeting. It can't hurt because you might hear something or meet someone that can make a big difference in your life.

Hugs, Jo
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Old 08-15-2003, 12:58 PM
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I'm here because I need to take the power away from my husband.

Take lastnight, I was perfectly happy, told him earlier in the day I had separated myself from him emotionally and he was now free to do whatever his little heart desired. I made my couch available to him for $200 and the rules were simple...no emotiona/physical abuse and if/when he gets high, he can ONLY come home AFTER he's slept.

The idiot showed up lastnight coked out, not 9 hours after I told him about this. I flew off the handle, threw my keys, spit in his face, even socked him. I had to call a friend because I was literally afraid I was going to bash his skull in.

Anyways, to me, that just shows that he has WAY too much power over me to affect my moods. I guess, the way I view Alanon is that if I was so together with MYSELF, then no matter what he did, it wouldn't rain on my parade. Is that accurate? I mean, do I view this group in a real light or is this just some illusion that i'm seeing?
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Old 08-15-2003, 01:40 PM
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My view of al-anon is that it gives people a way to turn the focus away from the A and toward ourselves. Often times we have no idea what's best for us, how to be good to ourselves, and how to not put others ahead of us. Recovery teaches us all these things. Once we learn that and figure out what we're willing to put up with, making decisions that are best for us becomes much clearer and easier.

I also don't think it's very helpful to rush to leave a relationship, if all you're going to do is repeat the exact same mistakes in the next relationship. If I have codie tendencies and other things in my personality that draws me to a certain type of person or causes me to act and react in certain ways, I might as well stay where I am and try to work on fixing me, instead of rushing off with the same problems and issues, and finding myself in another relationship with someone who's the exact replica of the person I just left. And guess what? Here I am, acting and reacting in the same exact way, all over again. Same crap, different A.

Bottom line - I think once we focus on and start fixing ourselves, everything else around us will begin to fall into place and it becomes easier to decide whether it's better to stay or go.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 08-15-2003, 01:42 PM
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I am here with my H because I love him. plain and simple. I don’t care what other people’s opinions are of me, I don’t care if my parents are disappointed in me, it doesn’t matter, because they are not walking in my shoes and are not living my life. I am learning to set boundaries and help myself, pray to my HP daily, and let go of the powerlessness I have over his addiction. He is currently in recovery, but there are no guarantees for the future. I am learning that one day at a time is literally saving my life, how do I explain that to someone who has not gone through what it’s like to live with an active addict?

Gracie, if you decide to stay with yours, you do not have to justify or explain your actions to anyone…do what is true to your heart, pray to your HP and your answers will come to you. I wholeheartedly agree with jojo too.

((hugs))
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Old 08-15-2003, 06:31 PM
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My issues of codependency carry far beyond my relationships with alcoholics. Take work for instance. I have the same tendencies to become overly sensitive to what other's think. Take girlfriends. I just ended a relationship with a self centered narsisist because she was manipulating and using me.

Leaving the A entirely out of the equation I have problems relating to others. I seek approval, I never feel like I fit. I could leave my husband and I will still have all of those traits. My problems are not the result of his drinking and if I leave I take me with me.

I put all decisions on hold when I began recovery and the day came when I decided not to leave....today. Today I am married one day at a time because...and only because... the good far outwieghs the bad.

Today I am much more mature person...what he does or doesn't do can't send me to the moon anymore. I am responsible for myself, I am clear about I will and will not put up with...kind of a ball buster, if you will. I am happy.

I doubt I would have ever achieved this level of common sense without Al-Anon.

Go for it!
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Old 08-15-2003, 07:39 PM
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I am reminded of the phrase

"Love the alcoholic, hate the disease". My thoughts on this are that you will only be a hypocrite if you stay with him after you stop loving him. It doesn't sound like you are there yet.
The Alanon program is to help you deal with your problems that stem from his alcoholism. There is no stipulation about staying with them, or leaving them. That is ultimately up to each one of us.
On a personal note, I used to think that my ex-A was my best friend too. After a while, I realized that best friends don't treat each other the way he was treating me. We aren't together anymore, but I will always love him in my own way. The bottom line is, he wasn't good for me and he brought me down more than he took me up. I felt "alone" more times in the years that I was still with him than I have ever felt in the years we have been apart.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 08-15-2003, 08:03 PM
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Ditto what JG and JustTired said.......

Realizing that I'd gotten into relationship with a troubled person brought me here.... but, one of the first things I learned was that people often REPEAT getting attached to addicts. After going through the pain of being with this A, I wanted to make sure I didn't do it again.

So, I started looking at me, and noticed that I have personality traits that got me into being with the A. I had other relationships with men and coworkers that didn't involve alcohol, but DID involve me putting up with stuff I really didn't like.

If I want to avoid repeating the pain in the future, I need to interact with people using clear-cut healthy boundaries.

So, to answer your question, alanon/codependency issues are bigger than just the decision to live with/without an alcholic.

Personally, I don't want to be a doormat or a ball-buster. There's got to be a way to have strength and grace at the same time. That's my goal..........
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Old 08-18-2003, 07:45 AM
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Thanks everyone - this does really help. I guess I do need to let go of my mother's expectations as well - when I think of my husband and his problem, my next thought is what will my mother say? I am an only child, she and I are exceptionally close. Intellectually, I know my mom would never be angry with me, she would be sad for hubby and for me but I know she would support me. She would never be judgemental and harsh..It's just that she would never in a million years understand why I would stay. She always wanted nothing but the best for me. I am learning though that no relationship is perfect. If no alcohol or substance is involved, then there's usually something somewhere! I have a friend who suspects her husband is a sex addict. He has admitted to doing inappropriate things on the web cam and has some funky issues there. If I had to 'pick my poison', I will take this anyday! Sick as that sounds. In truth, I am not making decisions to come or go. He had one beer at dinner Saturday night. It was the nicest weekend we have had together in months. Sunday was the big test - it's 'sports day' and this is when he drinks most. He didn't have a drop and I never said a word. He says that I will never have to mention this again to him, that he will show me. I was quiet. No response came to me because I know that I will again be disappointed. He still has not accepted that he has a real problem. I really have gotten a lot out of these posts and am going to keep coming. In the past, once I have seen minor improvement, I sort of shut out the rest and before you know it, we were right back to square one with me feeling sad and angry while he's got a great buzz. I am more concerned at this point how I handle things going forward. I love him dearly but I see I can't MAKE him stop drinking. I need to take care of me.
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Old 08-18-2003, 06:27 PM
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That sounds very good. I have chosen to stay with mine because the good out weighs the bad-- I need him for a lot of things, as I work full time and we have children. If I were to get on my high horse and leave him, I would be more miserable, and so would my kids!!! Until the kids get old enough to tak more responsibility for their care, I do have to stay.
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Old 08-18-2003, 08:29 PM
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I haven't made a decision either way yet. I'm still trying to figure out what brought me into this and why I have stayed so long, put up with so much and cared so little about my own happiness.

Only an individual can say what they are willing to live with or even able to live with. I only know that I do love my A very much and feel that he is still capable and young enough for us to survive all this, if he does his part. The important thing is though that I am restoring myself. I am saving myself and my own sanity right now and finding out what got me here so that I am healthy enough to make the right decision. I have enough regrets to let go of, I wouldn't want leaving my husband to be another one, if I'm not sure yet if that's what I'll need to do.
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Old 08-18-2003, 09:22 PM
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Hi Gracie,
I looked over this post a few times, and was either to busy to respond, or just didn't know EXACTLY what I wanted to say...

But, I knew I'd come back to it eventually.

I have to admit, I have had the exact same feelings regarding the feeling of "selling out" in my relationship also; I mean, my life is MINE to lead... why do I CHOOSE to live with and continue a relationship with an Alcoholic / Addict?! Surely there are better choices I can make. I MUST be afraid of something... I MUST be just wasting my time. But, lately I am beginning to see it in a different light...

I went to my Alanon meeting last week feeling like a total wreck. I was upset because my husband (who is 4 months sober) was so self-involved and egotistical, even when he's NOT drinking. I was beginning to feel like I didn't exist in our relationship - all the focus has been on him, his recoevry etc. And he was constantly wanting encouragement, cuddles, sex It was all "me, me, me". I wanted to be NOTICED, and cared for and nurtured and loved....

This is when my sponser (and others) reminded me how I was not taking care of myself by having expectations of my husband. I was wanting HIM to make ME feel loved and fullfilled and happy... Um, HELLO! Only I can be responsible for my feelings and the way my life plays out - happy or sad, fullfilled or dissapointed... it is in my own two hands.
She showed me that by dropping my expectations, I am open to receive his love in whatever form it arrives. Sure, he's an Alcoholic... he is not as capable of being concerned of anothers well being. But, he is also my husband, and he does truly love and care for me. I have noticed the little ways he cares and loves me, and though it is not the "fireworks" I desire, I am learning to be grateful for being given the gift of his friendship and love.

Which leads me to my point (whew!)
We each are equipped with the right tools to live our life - just as God never gives us more than we can handle. The fact that we choose to live with, love and maintain the relationship with our A husband seems NOT to be a cop-out at all. An Alcoholic / Addict has a lot more to struggle with that us "normies", but it certainly does not mean that they are not WORTHY of love, or that WE are "weak" for loving them. It is important that we are able to keep safe from any danger such a relationship can bring... But, we can have a program (alanon / Naranon) and seek guidance for ourselves, and we soon learn to put ourselves first, and truly taking CARE of ourselves... This IS a beautiful way to live - whether you love an alcoholic or not! We ARE independant and self-sufficient. We are in a loving relationship... and we have nothing to be ashamed of

Take care
Meg
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Old 08-19-2003, 08:20 AM
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((((((((MEG))))))

WOW! You said it all and in just the right way for me to hear you load and clear...Thank You!

God bless!
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