losinghim, i see myself in your post! i've been married with my AH for three years. and i have left four or five times before. obviously leaving is not a solution to his drinking, although sometimes it was neccessary.
During the first year of our marriage, I've tried so many ways to "help" him stop drinking: reasoning, begging, crying, sulking, got drunk once to show him how terrible drinking is, locking him up, pouring away his booze, getting him all the self-help books, taking him to AA...... Almost none of these worked. If it did, it lasted for a few days only.
Once I threatened to leave, and he stopped drinking for a week. The second time I threatened to leave, he threatened to hurt me. So i never made another threat again. I left for real for the first time last June when he went crazy and held a knife next to my leg. He didn't hurt me. But I was so shocked and scared of him that I left the next morning secretly. He called me and begged me to come home and I did a few days later. He stopped drinking for almost three months. Not long enough but I was stupid enough to believe that I had found a solution to his drinking.
I left a few more times after that. But my leaving didn't have the same magic effect anymore. And I got tired of packing and leaving. I didn't want to bother or worry my parents too much. And I have a cat too, which I can't bring with me because my parents also have a cat and there's just no way the two cats can get along. Thank God during those times I wasn't home, he still somehow managed to take care of the cat. Anyway, I guess I finally figured leaving is not the right thing to do as a way to control his drinking.
Anyway, I guess I'm thinking the same as you do: If I'll have to go, I'll go permanently. I can't decide yet, but I've decided that before I go, I'll first redouble my efforts to work on my recovery. At this stage, I'm very confused and not in the right frame of mind to make such a big decision.
Hey i consider myself a newbie too although i started looking for recovery more than two years ago. i went to Alanon and came to SR before for the wrong reason. i just wanted to make AH stop drinking. and when things got a little better, i left.
Well I've learned my lesson and am back again. You're so right in saying that we should "Read everything, especially the stickies. Even if someone's post doesn't seem to apply to you, read it and the advice. You may find that it does apply in some way."
Loosinghim, take very good care of yourself. Things do get a lot better when you apply the Alanon principles, whether you stay or leave.