To the Newbies (and everyone!!)

Old 12-29-2006, 05:41 PM
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To the Newbies (and everyone!!)

I myself am still a newbie. Feel comfortable posting and listen to advice. Read everything, especially the stickies. Even if someone's post doesn't seem to apply to you, read it and the advice. You may find that it does apply in some way.
My AH is the same as everyone else's. I have always believed that our love is so much more than anyone else would ever know. That we are closer than two people could possibly ever be. This ugly disease has taken those feelings away from me. I am angry and I am hurt.
If you read my past posts, I have left a few times. I am currently home and have been here a few nights. I have left many times since the week before Thanksgiving. I have finally decided that if I leave again, it is to permanently go to my parents house with the animals. Part of the reason I post right now if because he is sober and I am too hopeful. The last time I left I let him know that he must stop or I will never come home. He stopped, but for me. From everything I have read, this won't be permanent. My hopes are up, and I'm afraid I'm going to be let down.
He freaked out and cried and panicked that I was serious about leaving. So he stopped for two days. I came home to support him. Christmas Day (day 3) we were fighting because he was angry that he has to change and I don't. I stopped by his parents to drop off their presents and they asked me if he drinks too much. Thank god they asked because I wanted to tell him, but with the help of others here, decided it wouldn't be good. They got involved because they had seen it coming. So he spent Christmas with them and I spent it with my family. He was very angry at me that night and told me not to come home. So I stayed at my sister's again. He kept calling me with psycho calls and left some psycho messages. Those only happen when he drinks. So he used a credit card that he thought I wouldn't look for and got beer. He blames me because I wasn't home. Hhhmmm, he told me not to come home.
So now, I'm still home. He stayed sober the next 2 days. Yesterday we went to the movies (sober for the first time in a couple years) We had a great time. But after he wanted to get a beer only and something to eat. I caved. He convinced me that he could have a casual beer without going on a binge. He drank about 5 or 6 beers with dinner. But didn't act drunk because he usually downs vodka! Now today he is angry with me because I told him it isn't a good idea to have margaritas. So he accuses me of being his mother and wants to have nothing to do with me. I will not cave this time. But it is hard, because he's impossible sober right now, but at least he's not verbally abusive like when he's drunk.
I have been to al-anon twice and need to go again. It's just that they are usually at times that he would drink, so I'm staying home trying to keep him from drinking. Newbies - please don't make the mistake I'm making, go to al-anon. I need to decide it's better for me and if he drinks while I'm gone, he is proving that it isn't going to work.
Take my advice, listen to people here, they are supportive and have good advice!!
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:47 PM
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Good luck, losinghim. I know how hard it is to make the final break.
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:47 PM
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I have noticed lately that many people anticipate that leaving is a possiblity and they do leave and return, then leave and return. I suppose it's part of the process. I guess my comment is that several people return to their parents house. I guess I wish less people factored in their parents. Our issues can cause tension in otherwise peaceful households.
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:51 PM
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Financially I have no other alternative if I do decide to leave. We live in a house owned by his father. There isn't the option of him leaving. I would only need to be with my parents about 6 months, then I could get an apartment. Right now, since I am home, I am trying to pay off some bills while paying the major bills to make it easier on myself if I do leave permanently. I don't want to burden my sister's family anymore, that's why I decided I can't keep running over there. I need to either stay or go. It's a hard decision, I don't want to go!
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Old 12-29-2006, 06:04 PM
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I think all parents want to help. I think you are right, you need to stay or go. You don't have to go if you don't want to and you can stay without accepting his terms. You can get to alanon and learn to detach. That means you can live in peace and happiness inside an alcoholic household.
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Old 12-29-2006, 11:40 PM
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losinghim, i see myself in your post! i've been married with my AH for three years. and i have left four or five times before. obviously leaving is not a solution to his drinking, although sometimes it was neccessary.

During the first year of our marriage, I've tried so many ways to "help" him stop drinking: reasoning, begging, crying, sulking, got drunk once to show him how terrible drinking is, locking him up, pouring away his booze, getting him all the self-help books, taking him to AA...... Almost none of these worked. If it did, it lasted for a few days only.

Once I threatened to leave, and he stopped drinking for a week. The second time I threatened to leave, he threatened to hurt me. So i never made another threat again. I left for real for the first time last June when he went crazy and held a knife next to my leg. He didn't hurt me. But I was so shocked and scared of him that I left the next morning secretly. He called me and begged me to come home and I did a few days later. He stopped drinking for almost three months. Not long enough but I was stupid enough to believe that I had found a solution to his drinking.

I left a few more times after that. But my leaving didn't have the same magic effect anymore. And I got tired of packing and leaving. I didn't want to bother or worry my parents too much. And I have a cat too, which I can't bring with me because my parents also have a cat and there's just no way the two cats can get along. Thank God during those times I wasn't home, he still somehow managed to take care of the cat. Anyway, I guess I finally figured leaving is not the right thing to do as a way to control his drinking.

Anyway, I guess I'm thinking the same as you do: If I'll have to go, I'll go permanently. I can't decide yet, but I've decided that before I go, I'll first redouble my efforts to work on my recovery. At this stage, I'm very confused and not in the right frame of mind to make such a big decision.

Hey i consider myself a newbie too although i started looking for recovery more than two years ago. i went to Alanon and came to SR before for the wrong reason. i just wanted to make AH stop drinking. and when things got a little better, i left.

Well I've learned my lesson and am back again. You're so right in saying that we should "Read everything, especially the stickies. Even if someone's post doesn't seem to apply to you, read it and the advice. You may find that it does apply in some way."

Loosinghim, take very good care of yourself. Things do get a lot better when you apply the Alanon principles, whether you stay or leave.
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:12 AM
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(((losinghim))) Hi. Glad you are here and posting! It helps you and it helps the rest of us,too.

Have you read the "Getting Them Sober" books? Lots of practical advice about the things you are dealing with and considering. You can read a few "preview" chapters (free!) online at http://GettingThemSober.com They have really been a help to me and you might find them helpful,too.

Keep posting! and good luck to you.
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Old 12-30-2006, 10:07 AM
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Hugs to you losinghim. I have been on that rollercoaster. I am still here too. I don't try to stop him anymore. That is up to him. I try to live my life and enjoy the sober times with him. My AH drinks mostly at night by himself and passes out on the couch. I avoid going to parties with him when I can. I think the best thing I learned from by meetings and books was the detachment aspect even if it was the hardest.
I think the worst thing is his family who are in denial and have been his whole adult life. They wont talk about it or deal with it. I had one of his brothers tell me that "he wont drink himself to death, he's Irish, he has a strong constitution for this stuff" !!!!!
Love Yourself most of all and do for yourself first.
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