DesertEyes

Hey there chess, sorry you're going thru this pain. Nobody should be treated the way they treated you. I agree that you are better off without them.

Why would you? None of us are perfect, none of us have any kind of "crystal ball" with which to see the future. _They_ betrayed your trust, this is _their_ problem. Trying to turn it around and blaming yourserlf for _their_ behavior sounds like what my alcoholic parents tried to get me to do as a child; take on the responsibility for _their_ behavior.

That's a crazy-making question. Their behavior clearly shows that they are not to be trusted, that they are disrespectful and abusive people. So I think it's a _good_ thing that disrespectful and abusive people want to stay away from you. I think it would be _wonderful_ if disrespectful and abusive people stayed away from me forever. I think what is important is how _you_ see yourself, not how those 2 did.

That's like asking why alcoholics drink, or why dogs bark or cats meow. That's the nature of the critter. Asking why other people do thinks is a ACoA relapse for me, cuz it means I'm trying to figure out _their_ thinking, and once I do that I can figure out a way to _change_ their thinking and make it be the thinking that _I_ want them to happen.

Recovery for me lies in accepting the things I cannot change, and that means accepting that I cannot change other peoples thinking. So I don't ask why. I focus on the things I _can_ change, which is _me_, so instead of asking why I ask _how_. How can _I_ become a better person as a result of this painful hardship. To me that is how I grow in recovery.

Mike