Not understanding

Old 12-26-2006, 10:20 PM
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Not understanding


I've been reading all of your posts and sending happy thoughts your way!

For me Christmas went fine. Spent it by myself with my dog. All that peace and quiet made me feel well rested.

However (there always is one, isn't there?), a while back a couple who I considered to be my close friends cruelly cut me out of their lives. They started this by not answering my calls or text messages and finally Isent an email and the reply I got is messing with my head. It blundly stated that I am a bore and dead weight to them and that for a few years they have been trying to figure out how to get rid of me and said that I was just too stupid to get the message of them not answering my messages so they literally had to spell it out.

This really has me hurting bad. No one has ever ended a friendship with me like this.

All this has left me with is bunch of questions only these people who left can answer and I'm not sure I want to even hear their answers. One of my good friends did say that judging by the mail those people never really were my friends and she couldn't see the point of ending a friendship so cruely either unless you really wanted to just hurt someone.

I know some friendships fade in time and that's natural and this friendship with the person who wrote the mail was fading but since this was a couple I still had a mutual hobby I weekly went to with the other one of this couple. To read in the mail that this decision to leave me was made by both of them and that they both find me boring really hurt cos the one I went to practise with I really liked and had no idea that she felt that way.

So now I question myself...why didn't I see this coming? What did I do to deserve this? Do other people see me like these 2 did? Why was the mail written and why couldn't they end this friendship that has lasted over 14 years more kindly?

Rationally thinking I know this is not about me but about them but it's me that it' s hurting. I don't know how to get over this thing. I feel like I'm starting to obsess over this and now I'm starting to doubt all my friendships which is making all this worse.

Can you help me to get of this track, please?
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Old 12-26-2006, 10:43 PM
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I'm sorry for your loss. The horrible thing about being an ACOA is that often we are attracted to relationships with other people who are emotionally disfunctional themselves because it is all we know & it fuels our sick need for abandonment. I have seen this in myself & alot of the ACOA books I have read list this as a symptom of being an acoa.

This is not your fault that these people did this to you. I too had a horrible time picking good friends.....especially in high school I hung around with a "pack" of girls that were emotionally abusive twards me & treated me like a tag along. They NEVER valued my friendship & the more abused I was the less value I thought I had & the more I lost confidence in my ability to make new friends....and the fear of being "friendless" made me put up with the unnessicary abuse for much longer than I should have. They eventually faded me out by dropping sevral notacible "hints" but it took me a few YEARS to feel totally rejected & finially detach from them (senior year of school). My best friend for sevral years also a child of a dysfunctional family. Her father was an abusive drug addict & her mother was so mentally ill that she let her kids live in squaller & animal feces until DCFS took her & her sister away. So we have alot of the same issues & sometimes now that I am trying to get healthy I feel hurt or betrayed by some of the things she does because she is still in a very unhealthy mindset. She is also very nagative & draining with out realizing it. When I am trying to be possitive she will often attempt to bring me down....subconciousley by talking about and dwelling on & dumping the negative things on me. She was a young single mom at 15 with not many possitive things in her life & I can see how she is sometimes emotionally abusive to her own child....with out knowing it....I see that she is perpetuating the cycle of unhappiness,mental illness, and emotional abuse in her baby & until she gets help she is going to continue to do so. I can't talk to her about it. How do you say to your best friend that I think you are abusing your child & I think you need therapy with out loosing a much valued friendship? I don't know. I have been where you are and it's not pleasant. I think we have a HIGH TOLERANCE for abuse being ACOA'a so we just accept abuse as normal and hang on WELL after normal people would have let go of a relationship. I know I do...not sure about your particular situation.

I have found with my above friendships that my "friends" were emotionally healthy, stable, "normal" teenagers who had NO idea about the suffering and inner turmiol that I was dealing with. It DID NOT give them the right to abuse me the way they did....but now I realize that I was very likley a "drag" because I wasn't (and still am not fully) healthy and healthy people are disturbed by emotionally unhealthy people & don't know how to cope with their behaviors.
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Old 12-27-2006, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Mlynn View Post
...healthy people are disturbed by emotionally unhealthy people & don't know how to cope with their behaviors.
I think that's a really good point, Mlynn. I couldn't really say it any other way. Many times we may find our selves on both sides of the fence, too. Either as said "healthy" person, feeling really disturbed by someone whom is "unhealthy", or ourselves as the "unhealthy" one whom unintentionally and unknowingly is disturbing those we may feel we connect with.

Good point Mlynn.
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Old 12-27-2006, 07:31 PM
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Starting over
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Hey there chess, sorry you're going thru this pain. Nobody should be treated the way they treated you. I agree that you are better off without them.

Originally Posted by chess View Post
... So now I question myself...why didn't I see this coming?...
Why would you? None of us are perfect, none of us have any kind of "crystal ball" with which to see the future. _They_ betrayed your trust, this is _their_ problem. Trying to turn it around and blaming yourserlf for _their_ behavior sounds like what my alcoholic parents tried to get me to do as a child; take on the responsibility for _their_ behavior.

Originally Posted by chess View Post
... Do other people see me like these 2 did? ...
That's a crazy-making question. Their behavior clearly shows that they are not to be trusted, that they are disrespectful and abusive people. So I think it's a _good_ thing that disrespectful and abusive people want to stay away from you. I think it would be _wonderful_ if disrespectful and abusive people stayed away from me forever. I think what is important is how _you_ see yourself, not how those 2 did.

Originally Posted by chess View Post
... why couldn't they end this friendship that has lasted over 14 years more kindly? ...
That's like asking why alcoholics drink, or why dogs bark or cats meow. That's the nature of the critter. Asking why other people do thinks is a ACoA relapse for me, cuz it means I'm trying to figure out _their_ thinking, and once I do that I can figure out a way to _change_ their thinking and make it be the thinking that _I_ want them to happen.

Recovery for me lies in accepting the things I cannot change, and that means accepting that I cannot change other peoples thinking. So I don't ask why. I focus on the things I _can_ change, which is _me_, so instead of asking why I ask _how_. How can _I_ become a better person as a result of this painful hardship. To me that is how I grow in recovery.

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Old 12-27-2006, 09:30 PM
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Well said Mike, as usual you are clear and to the point.

I would add one point, if these people are both committed to what was said, why was it written by one person? Or is it one person in the couple deciding the issue for both? Did both sign it?

In terms of why in writing, that is avoidance, they knew what they were doing was ignorant and rude and hurtful and decided to do it in a way that minimized their own discomfort. There are numerous ways to end a relationship without being hurtful like they did. They could have just said, "we have found that our interests are changning and that we don't really share these with you any longer" or "We're sorry, but were just too this or that and so we really don't have the time to have this relationship with you" OR "We are just going in different directions, while your friendship was very dear to us at one time, we find it is no longer something we want...".

You get the idea... the point I am making is that they had numerous ways that they could have parted ways without being hurtful and spiteful... if it was the guy that wrote the letter in the couple and you were attending activities with the woman, it may be a jeolousy thing...

Peace, Levi
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Old 12-28-2006, 05:06 AM
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Thank you guys for support! I'm actually deeply touched.

I forgot how easily this disease sneaks up on me. I didn't realize that I was trying to figure out another's behaviour and probably trying my best to take responsibility for it too. No wonder I was making myself crazy!

Thank you for clearing this up for me some. I feel a whole lot better. I kept thinking deep down that I was lucky to be rid of these people but at the same time scared that what if they were right. Taking another opinion over my own again. Damn it's easy to fall for these traps.

Thanks for cushioning my fall guys
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Old 01-05-2007, 07:12 AM
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up and out
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this is a good reminder for myself as well. yesterday there was a situation where it felt like someone was projecting their inadequacies on me. it began as a very small hint then as the day progressed so did the voice inside that was telling me to believe it. my 'gut' was anchored that it simply was the other person but my ill behavior was trying to override that. its sad how i don't trust myself to know what i know. now i can simply give it up knowing that the other person was maybe having a bad day and get on with being friends. thanks guys!!
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