Hey there Levi,
Both my parents died from alcoholism. I was never able to obtain any "closure" with them while they lived. I worked on my various ACA "issues" over the years, each time getting a little more "freedom" from that old "baggage".
I found that a great deal of my attitudes and reactions in life were based in unhealthy "survival reflexes" I learned as a child. Even after my praents died I was still living my life as if they were still in it.
The purpose of my seeking "closure" was to be rid, in a permanent way, of all those old reflexes and attitudes.
The last of that "baggage" was a very deep attitude on my part that my worth as a man was based on being _different_ than my father. I felt that if I succeeded where he failed I would be able to have the self-respect I never had as a child. One of the things that I believed is that if I had a happy marriage I would be a man worthy of respect, since my father was never able to have such a marriage.
Being _different_ was an unhealthy goal for me, as I went on in life and made a whole series of _different_ mistakes than those my father did. The correct goal is to have a _healthy_ life, not a different one.
When my marriage ended as a result of my wife's addiction to pills my self-esteem went with it. I had incorreclty attached my self-worth to the state of my marriage. When I was able to understand that _I_ was wrong in how I valued myself I was able to accept the end of my marriage as just another tragedy of life, and not as an indictment of my self-worth.
I had been living my life as a _reaction_ to my alcoholic father. When I worked those issues out I was able to finally see myself as a normal, healthy human being and no longer a reflection of my father. I was also able to see _him_ as a flawed human being who had no business raising a family. At that moment I was able to finally "detach" from him, and from my own "baggage".
For me the process of "healing" has been invaluable. The life I have today is wonderful beyond my wildest imagination. I could never have become the man I am today had I not fought my way thru all that "emotional baggage".
There are many different ways of acomplishing this healing. What works for me is lots of 12 step programs, lots of "fourth steps" and a little therapy. Other folks find that "writing letters" is what works for them. The objective is to find a method, or combination of methods, that allows you to see yourself without the "fog" of childhood reflexes. I had to try a variety of different methods until I found the combination that worked for me.
Mike
