Letters to Parents

Old 12-22-2006, 10:53 AM
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Letters to Parents

Just a question, my father died, well killed himself, last year. I have a lot that I feel I need to say to him. I have seen letters to parents on here before.

I am wondering,

1. Is the reason for writing the letter because you can't speak to them b/c they are gone or otherwise unavailable?

2. Does it help?

3. What about a parent that is still around but she just can't really seem to fathom what she has done? She does acknowledge her role and has apologized to the best of her ability, but I don't think she really understands just how much of an impact she has had on us kids.

Anyone else dealing with this stuff, if you have insights on this issue of getting it off your chest and getting over the past, that would be helpful. Sometimes, no matter how much counselling, no matter how much I talk about it, it just seems like these "scars" will never go away. Any comments?

Peace, Levi
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Old 12-22-2006, 02:22 PM
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Levi,

When I was 23 I wrote a letter to my father because I felt like I was never able to tell him in person how I felt. Usually because he was intoxicated or just wouldn't listen. I wrote a long letter telling him how things felt from my perspective and how much he had hurt me. I had a little bit of hope that the letter might open his eyes, but tried not to expect anything. Just writing all of my thoughts down was actually the most therapeutic part of it anyway.

He recieved it, sent me a greeting card back that said, "Something went wrong and I think it was me." with Garfield on it. I was excited at first until I read the inside and it said, "I got your letter, but am not going to write one back because letters are a one way conversation. You have the wrong idea about a lot of things and we need to talk."

I never talked to him about it again because it was obvious nothing I said in the letter sank in. To me there was no if's and's or but's about his disease and I didn't care what he was going to say in his defense, I didn't want to hear it. I am still glad to this day that I wrote it though. I know he loves me, but he will never "get it."

I have friends who have written letters to relatives that are deceased, and they say it is very healing. Writing gives you a chance to purge a lot of emotion out of yourself. You can start the healing process and stop carrying the weight of it all on your shoulders.

I will also say that from my experience, I think writing a letter to an alcoholic parent takes courage. Whether they let it sink in or not. I felt better about myself after I did it. The rest of my family members preferred to act like his disease didn't exist, and I was facing it head on. I felt strong. I wasn't keeping my head in the sand anymore, I was putting it out on paper.

Those are just my thoughts, hope this helps!

Gemini
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Old 12-22-2006, 03:17 PM
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Hey there Levi,

Both my parents died from alcoholism. I was never able to obtain any "closure" with them while they lived. I worked on my various ACA "issues" over the years, each time getting a little more "freedom" from that old "baggage".

I found that a great deal of my attitudes and reactions in life were based in unhealthy "survival reflexes" I learned as a child. Even after my praents died I was still living my life as if they were still in it.

The purpose of my seeking "closure" was to be rid, in a permanent way, of all those old reflexes and attitudes.

The last of that "baggage" was a very deep attitude on my part that my worth as a man was based on being _different_ than my father. I felt that if I succeeded where he failed I would be able to have the self-respect I never had as a child. One of the things that I believed is that if I had a happy marriage I would be a man worthy of respect, since my father was never able to have such a marriage.

Being _different_ was an unhealthy goal for me, as I went on in life and made a whole series of _different_ mistakes than those my father did. The correct goal is to have a _healthy_ life, not a different one.

When my marriage ended as a result of my wife's addiction to pills my self-esteem went with it. I had incorreclty attached my self-worth to the state of my marriage. When I was able to understand that _I_ was wrong in how I valued myself I was able to accept the end of my marriage as just another tragedy of life, and not as an indictment of my self-worth.

I had been living my life as a _reaction_ to my alcoholic father. When I worked those issues out I was able to finally see myself as a normal, healthy human being and no longer a reflection of my father. I was also able to see _him_ as a flawed human being who had no business raising a family. At that moment I was able to finally "detach" from him, and from my own "baggage".

For me the process of "healing" has been invaluable. The life I have today is wonderful beyond my wildest imagination. I could never have become the man I am today had I not fought my way thru all that "emotional baggage".

There are many different ways of acomplishing this healing. What works for me is lots of 12 step programs, lots of "fourth steps" and a little therapy. Other folks find that "writing letters" is what works for them. The objective is to find a method, or combination of methods, that allows you to see yourself without the "fog" of childhood reflexes. I had to try a variety of different methods until I found the combination that worked for me.

Mike
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Old 12-22-2006, 05:48 PM
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Thank you both for taking the time to write your thoughts. They are very helpful.

I am in a connundrum. My father committed suicide. Prior to his death I had written him a letter outlining all of his wrongs to me. I then talked with him on the phone and all he did was deny it and say it was all my f#@King fault and that I must have had my head up my a$$. Needless to say, while the letter writing helped, the reaction to it was very difficult and didn't resolve anything. In fact, his denial may have sparked more issues.

I am now finding that I just want to find a way to put all the baggage from the past to rest once and for all. I don't want to keep having this sludge ... for lack of better descriptors... drudged up over and over in my life. So, I am looking at how I can get this stuff out, how I can find closure and how I can put it all behind me once and for all... if that is even possible.

Peace, Levi
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Old 12-22-2006, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by leviathon View Post
...So, I am looking at how I can get this stuff out, how I can find closure and how I can put it all behind me once and for all... if that is even possible. ...
It was certainly possible for me to do exactly that. It has been possible for countless others in the many programs of recovery. I found that the sludge lived in _me_, and that getting rid of it had nothing to do with my parents. I was able to do it after they were dead, so I know it was all to do with me and _my_ attitudes.

Keep after it, it's a lot of work but it's absolutely worth it. Keep us posted, we all want to share in your victories and appreciate your support when we are in our own emotional "pits".

Mike
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Old 12-22-2006, 09:49 PM
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he did was deny it and say it was all my f#@King fault and that I must have had my head up my a$$
Hmm. I had that same diatribe with my dad this week. I can't relate to the loss of a parent, as my alcoholic father is still alive.
Something that did help me was when I finally got the memo, that he could never be what I needed in a dad. Anymore, Leviathon, I love his memory of what I want to remember and some times that are nice that he and I share here and there.

Im likely not helping, but hoping you are feeling more at peace.
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Old 12-23-2006, 05:49 AM
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Hi Levi,

I have one dead and one living alcoholic parent. I have used letter writing with both of them. I consider it to have been a success, but that's because of what I consider to be success.

Writing each of them letters at different points in my journey to overcome my toxic childhood and to build a healthier future for myself and my own son, has been about getting me well not them. I never sent the letters to them. I never expected the letters to change their behavior in any way. I'm the only one I can change and I used the letters to help me sort out my part (usually the victim) in their on-going dramas. The act of writing the letters, like journaling allowed me to be more objective and less judgemental and in many cases to just let go of the hurt.

One aspect of the letter writing that was not particularly "recovered" of me, was that I did not share the letters with them for very specific reasons. I already "knew" what their reaction would be. They tell me in different programs that you can't "know" how another person will react. I maintain that if you live in dysfunction long enough you absolutely can know. And I "knew" that my parents would use the information in the letters against me. First to deny reality of our history and second to choose better buttons to push in the future. I also "knew" that the letters would be very hurtful to my parents who would not use them as opportunities for open dialog and change but as evidence in the court of public opinion as to what an ungrateful, hurtful daughter they had raised.
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Old 12-23-2006, 05:58 AM
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Wow it's like you guys read my mind. I just recently did just that wrote a letter to my parents. It did make me feel much better as I got to say what I felt I had to say. It didn't get the result I had hoped for but at least they know my feelings.

Write the letter it will help you and that is what we have to do help ourselves.
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Old 12-24-2006, 07:27 AM
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Thank you all for your support. I am considering the letter form, but I have already begun writing a book about it as everyone that I have ever shared my childhood with has been blown away by the things I tell them and they are amazed I survived it, let alone have gone on to lead a relatively good and productive life. I've been encouraged by these very people to write it out into a book to share with the world in the hopes that it will raise awareness of the problems of alcoholism, the depths of depravity that alcoholic parents can sink to and what it means for their children. While it is hard, I am working through it and it is cathartic at times.

I just liked the "personal" aspect of writing a letter too. I thought it might help to bring closure to things because it is so personal. My hand and heart to theirs... even if he won't see it b/c he is dead.

Peace, Levi
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Old 12-24-2006, 08:00 AM
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Hi Levi.... I am sorry you've had this pain in your life. It certainly isn't "fair", eh? But the product of such pain is incredible... we who survive chaotic childhoods seem, sometimes, to have a different "color" than those around us. Darker, in some ways, but also richer and deeper.

What I've done was a mini 4th step on my fathter -

What he did (what I resented)
How it made me feel
How I reacted

This was so painful.... as much as I was in the pain at the time, I discovered I had "glossed" it over - even in my own mind. It was hard to admit that the man who brought me into this world didn't like me. Daddys are SUPPOSED to love their little girls. But I suspected mine didn't.

But the real "learning" piece, for me, was that last column - "how I reacted". Because when I was all done with my lists.... What he Did and How I reacted... matched.

I didn't like him. And I let him see that. And I held back my love. And I judged him.

Going through that 4th step stuff helped me ACCEPT my father as he WAS, and to reduce my resentments that he wasn't what I WANTED.

I had heard all this in meetings - but going through it was very eye-opening for me.

I wish you the best.
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Old 12-24-2006, 02:17 PM
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Wow BigSis, that is incredibly helpful. I will do that. Thank you.

Peace and good tidings this xmas, Levi
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Old 12-26-2006, 02:55 PM
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Many years ago when I was dating someone in recovery (inspired by his recovery, I suppose), I wrote a long "letter" to my entire family, and pasted it up on the kitchen wall...it was probably 4 pages long. At that time, I did expect them to "get it", wake up, change, etc...just because I supposedly "saw the light" (rookie mistake).

I have, over the years, written similar letters to various family members, mostly angry diatribes, for the sake of expunging the thoughts from circling around in my head.

I even went so far as to try to remind my mother of the abuse I suffered at her hands...the cruel comments, the physical abuse, etc... she, of course, "didn't remember" any of it. Neither did my MIL remember the cruel messages she gave me, nor did my exH remember making evil statements and wrapping his hands around my neck, nor did my current (hopefullly soon to be ex ) H remember his abusiveness...it was all my imagination.

I'm amazed how people can "forget" (selective perception?) hatefulness towards others. But, for all I know, someone may come up to me someday and "remind" me of something mean I did way back when.

I don't really have a point to what I'm saying, just sharing a little ESH with ya.

It does help me these days, though, to put my thoughts to paper, even putting thoughts onto a computer screen. Just doing that, even without others' sharing their perspectives with me helps me to gain perspective (thought others' sharing usually gives me even greater perspective)



Nothing really "changed" until I started attending ACOA meetings...then, something seemed to become "quiet" inside me.
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