dogandbooklover

I have been married to my best friend, lover, and soul mate for almost 13 years and we've been together for over 16. He always drank, but it steadily escalated through the years. I know he is an alcoholic and I know he suffers from depression. I love him more than anything ,so of course, that means I always try to figure out what I did wrong.

I KNOW that he is not an alcolholic because of me, but BELIEVING it is much harder. My AH (I am assuming this stands for Alcoholic Husband) is all I've ever wanted and most of the time things are great. He drinks to excess almost everyday. He is not physically abusive, but is verbally at times. Of course, he blames me and it hurts like hell when he says that. I can deal with so much, but sometimes I feel like just giving up and throwing in the towel. But, how do you do that when you love each more than anything? He loves me, I know this, he is affectionate (almost all of the time) and I don't remember a day ever going by when he didn't tell me that he loves me. And then there are those days when he admits that something is wrong and he promises to fix the problem. And he usually tries, but nothing lasts for more than a few days at the most. I know that I must 'nag', but sometimes it's the only thing I can think to do. I know it doesn't work or help, but I feel like I have to do SOMETHING. If I say there's a problem enough times then he'll see it and fix it for good.

I always hear about abuse, lying, cheating, etc., but these are not issues with us. The things that are the hardest for me to deal with are:

1) The fact that we hardly ever sleep together in the same bed. I am not talking about sex, but about not physically being in the same bed together for sleep. When he drinks he snores like you wouldn't believe. I've worn earplugs for years, but they don't seem to cut it anymore. When he snores I can not sleep. Period. He knows that if he doesn't drink he doesn't snore. Shouldn't that be enough reason not to drink? So your can sleep peacefully in the same bed as your wife?

2) I never quite know from one day to the next what his mood will be like. Most days are good, but then some tiny thing will set him off and he becomes this other person. There's no violence just one minute everything is fine and the next I've done something so horrendous that the infamous line of "this is why I drink" is uttered. And the contradictions! Literally, one day he's saying that our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to him and the next he doesn't understand why we've together so long. He'll say personal things that cut to the core and like any normal person will do, I take them personally. It's hard not to take personal things personally. The next day he is usually sorry, (he doesn't normally say the words), but I know by his actions. I try to point out that his mean behaviour only starts after episodes of much drinking. He does not act that way when he is not drinking heavily. He's a smart, intelligent man. Why can't he see the connection? But, then again, there are times when he does see the connection and wants to make everything better. It's just so HARD!

I'm not looking for any sugar-coated answers or replies. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I want to know that there are other women out there who have gone through the same sort of circumstances. I want to know that one day we'll be able to go to bed together in the same bed and get a real night's rest. I want to know that his contradictions are absolutely because of his drinking and not because he is unhappy with the life we have together. I want to know that it's possible to be happily married even though my husband is and always will be an alcoholic. Hopefully, one day recovering. I want to better learn how to react to his mood swings and how not to be a 'nag'. I want to be the absolute best wife that I can be to my best friend.