I don't want to give up hope...

Old 12-20-2006, 08:46 PM
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I don't want to give up hope...

I have been married to my best friend, lover, and soul mate for almost 13 years and we've been together for over 16. He always drank, but it steadily escalated through the years. I know he is an alcoholic and I know he suffers from depression. I love him more than anything ,so of course, that means I always try to figure out what I did wrong.

I KNOW that he is not an alcolholic because of me, but BELIEVING it is much harder. My AH (I am assuming this stands for Alcoholic Husband) is all I've ever wanted and most of the time things are great. He drinks to excess almost everyday. He is not physically abusive, but is verbally at times. Of course, he blames me and it hurts like hell when he says that. I can deal with so much, but sometimes I feel like just giving up and throwing in the towel. But, how do you do that when you love each more than anything? He loves me, I know this, he is affectionate (almost all of the time) and I don't remember a day ever going by when he didn't tell me that he loves me. And then there are those days when he admits that something is wrong and he promises to fix the problem. And he usually tries, but nothing lasts for more than a few days at the most. I know that I must 'nag', but sometimes it's the only thing I can think to do. I know it doesn't work or help, but I feel like I have to do SOMETHING. If I say there's a problem enough times then he'll see it and fix it for good.

I always hear about abuse, lying, cheating, etc., but these are not issues with us. The things that are the hardest for me to deal with are:

1) The fact that we hardly ever sleep together in the same bed. I am not talking about sex, but about not physically being in the same bed together for sleep. When he drinks he snores like you wouldn't believe. I've worn earplugs for years, but they don't seem to cut it anymore. When he snores I can not sleep. Period. He knows that if he doesn't drink he doesn't snore. Shouldn't that be enough reason not to drink? So your can sleep peacefully in the same bed as your wife?

2) I never quite know from one day to the next what his mood will be like. Most days are good, but then some tiny thing will set him off and he becomes this other person. There's no violence just one minute everything is fine and the next I've done something so horrendous that the infamous line of "this is why I drink" is uttered. And the contradictions! Literally, one day he's saying that our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to him and the next he doesn't understand why we've together so long. He'll say personal things that cut to the core and like any normal person will do, I take them personally. It's hard not to take personal things personally. The next day he is usually sorry, (he doesn't normally say the words), but I know by his actions. I try to point out that his mean behaviour only starts after episodes of much drinking. He does not act that way when he is not drinking heavily. He's a smart, intelligent man. Why can't he see the connection? But, then again, there are times when he does see the connection and wants to make everything better. It's just so HARD!

I'm not looking for any sugar-coated answers or replies. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I want to know that there are other women out there who have gone through the same sort of circumstances. I want to know that one day we'll be able to go to bed together in the same bed and get a real night's rest. I want to know that his contradictions are absolutely because of his drinking and not because he is unhappy with the life we have together. I want to know that it's possible to be happily married even though my husband is and always will be an alcoholic. Hopefully, one day recovering. I want to better learn how to react to his mood swings and how not to be a 'nag'. I want to be the absolute best wife that I can be to my best friend.
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Old 12-20-2006, 11:02 PM
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Welcome to Friends and Family on SR. I like your name! I too love dogs and books !
I suggest you read the sticky's at the top where you posted this thread.
Under classic reading, jot down the books suggested and start reading about this, that is the best way to learn, in my opinion. Also read the posts on here.
Yes, it is possible to live with them, some have done it. It all depends on many things.

Keep coming back. We all have been there, and understand. I tried to check your first post, but it says you are not signed in??
If you signed in, maybe you could PM a Forum leader?

Last edited by Zoey; 12-20-2006 at 11:05 PM. Reason: add PS
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Old 12-21-2006, 12:15 AM
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Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I want you to understand that all that blaming and verbal abuse is commonly referred to here as "quacking." I generally just call it blah, blah, blah. Yes, it cuts very deeply. As time went on and I began to realize it was part of the disease I didn't take it personally as much and I generally left the room when the blame-game began. Nobody has to stay and listen to that nonsense.

Keep in mind the 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Believe it. If you allow this to sink in, you will begin to take things less personally. A good place to start is to read a lot of our postings, read the stickies at the top of this board, pick up some AA and Al-anon literature. Check out Al-anon meetings in your area. All that is suggested to newcomers is that they go to six meetings before deciding whether to stick with the program or not. Al-anon is the place where you get better acquainted with yourself, the role you've played in this situation, what you need for yourself in order to be happy. The meetings are not about discussing the alcoholic - they're about discussing YOU.

Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease and you are seeing it progress right before your eyes. The mood swings - yeah, I know those all-too well. It took me a long time to just let it go. You cannot figure it out. None of us here who have tried to figure out the consistent inconsistencies of an A's mind have been able to. You know what happens when you try to climb inside their heads and make sense of them? You become crazier than they are. That is a sad truth.

Unfortunately, I don't think anybody here can give you the assurance that this will have a happily-ever-after ending. It is up to your AH alone to make the decision to change. There are a whole bunch of folks on this board who are grieving the loss of the dream they hoped would be the reality of their life with an alcoholic. A lot of shattered dreams here, but a lot of strength, hope and support too.

Please keep posting.
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Old 12-21-2006, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by dog&booklover View Post
I KNOW that he is not an alcolholic because of me, but BELIEVING it is much harder.
Welcome dog&booklover, glad you're here!

This was true for me, too. I talked about it with our doctor and he said something simple, but it struck a chord with me: after all those years (I was with AH 18) it takes a while for the heart to catch up with the head.

I was so exhausted and ready for anything to change my circumstances that I decided to go ahead and do all the things suggested in Al-Anon and therapy - things that were so contrary to how I had conducted my life and relationship up to that point.

One of the most important things I've learned through all this: nothing changes if nothing changes. And the only thing I am capable of changing is me. When I change, those around me change, too. It's inevitable. I don't get to decide what those changes are - whether I get the happy ending I THOUGHT I wanted - but I can say I am a far happier person today than I was a year ago. For me that means living without AH, but it truly is my happy ending. Last night one of my girlfriends said to me, remember a year ago when all you wanted was for the marriage to work out? I had been asking my friends if they would be nice to him if I took him back. My life revolved around that man. We were in business together. We were what I called best friends. I could not in any way, shape or form imagine him gone.

Today, it is difficult to remember the feel of the chaos. I can tell stories of what happened, recall drunken times, etc., but my soul is not in chaos.

I am not advocating staying or leaving. I advocate taking control of one's own life. Who knows what the outcome will be? Maybe you will get the happy ending you envision.

Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 12-21-2006, 09:44 AM
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Welcome to SR ! The people here are understanding and honest. We know where you are coming from. I have found that as I have worked on me, and realized I can't change my AH (he has to do it) I have seen progress.

Please continue posting and reading........
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Old 12-21-2006, 10:35 AM
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welcome.....you never have to be alone in this again!!!! doesn't that feel good??? and we all understand....there's nothing you can say about your circumstances that will shock us....cause we have all lived it, so don't be shy about sharing and asking questions.

i can sense the love you feel from your husband from your post.....have you asked him to get help or go to aa??? in my opinion, if a mate is acceptable to having you approach them, i believe one should ask....ONE TIME.....and one time only.....chances are he may be reluctant to even admit there is a problem let alone seek help....but you never know....he just might.

the only thing you can do, is to take care of yourself. living with an alcoholic that you love is quite possible....there are many in my al-anon extended family that still live with their alcoholics....but these people are happy because they have learned how to take care of themselves instead of living in their alcoholics chaos. it can be done.....for me, i could not stay, much to my heartbreak....

love to you
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Old 12-21-2006, 10:40 PM
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Wow! All of your replies were wonderful and very heartwarming. It's nice to know that there are women out there who understand exactly what I am going through. The mood swings, contradictions, the blame, the 'blah, blah, blah'. I found this forum not because I wanted someone to tell me everything would be alright, but because I wanted someone to say 'look, I know how you feel' and that is exactly what I found! Thanks!
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Old 12-21-2006, 11:02 PM
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An update...

I found this site a few days ago. I didn't mention it to my husband, I haven't even said anything about his drinking to him in quite some time. We've been getting ready for Christmas and arranging to get a new puppy and just going on about our life. Things have been 'normal'. And by 'normal', I mean 'normal' for us. Things have been fine. Which does not mean that my AH has quit drinking. It just means that there hasn't been any mood swings, blaming sessions, etc.

Here's the update: He looked at me tonight, in the middle of watching TV, and said that he was going to beat this. He's never ever done anything like that before. It's always been 'I can quit whenever I want' and that lasts about a day or two or when the shakes and heart palpitations become unbearable. Tonight he said he was going to do everything in his power to stop. He says he's sorry for putting me through so much, he's tired of living this way, he knows he needs to do something. We made the decision together for him to start detox the day after Christmas. Everyone (my family) will be here and he wants to be here too. Telling my family the details won't help and telling his family is an absolute impossibility. It will be easier to get the ball rolling after everyone has left. I know Christmas is still a few days away and a lot could change between now and then, but he seems to be adamant about doing this. It's the first time he has EVER suggested such a thing and admitted that his problem is as serious as it is. He asked nothing of me, which is new too. There are usually those 'if you do this then I'll do that' type deals. No such thing was uttered. He took all the blame and says he knows he is the one that has to make and stick to the ultimate decision. I even mentioned that I was thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting and he said if I felt like I should go then I should do it. Not exactly what I expected!

Anyway, I am not going to get too excited, but at the same time I do feel some hope. He has never taken responsibility like this before. That has to account for something, right?
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:20 AM
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merry christmas sweetie.....all my prayers up to you and your hubby. please consider getting the help you will need....al-anon will help learn how to keep your own life together through his sobriety.

living in sobriety, after years of living in alcoholism, is a whole different life....please welcome the new change with all the knowlege and support you can find so that you will be prepared.

you sound so wonderful....so does your husband.

have you considered medical help for the detoxing part??.....detoxing can be very serious and should be monitored.

i will share with you a little of my experience....xah got sober one time for 10 months....life should have been wonderful, after all, i got what i had so desperately wanted and prayed for, for so very long.

well, it wasn't a bed of roses. during his active alcoholism, i had learned how to live with all the chaos....handling the money, hiding the money, not telling him what was going on in the real world, for fear of setting him off, trying to keep things on a even keel, shieldling him from all life's realities.....

so he got sober, and wanted to have a hand in the adult world of life....it scared the bejeesus outta me.....how could i hand over the credit cards, the check book.....how could i share with him anything that used to set him off???? it was very stressful for me. al-anon helped me deal with all of this in a way that i could understand.

jmo....take what you like and leave the rest.

love to you
jeri
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Old 12-22-2006, 02:25 PM
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If he is serious about working a program, you need to be working one as well. It will be a difficult, uphill battle. When the A first gets off the bottle, even after detox, the craving can be very challenging. You'll need a program to cope with the same mood swings, irritability, and unpredictability he'll exhibit while fighting to maintain sobriety. Just because they stop drinking does not mean their behaviors suddenly change for the better.

Maintain your hope and let him know you will be there to support his efforts. I pray for both of you that his recovery will a successful one.
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Old 12-22-2006, 03:08 PM
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There is always hope, and though few alcoholics are able to reach long-term sobriety, there are plenty who do. Praying that your husband is one of the lucky few. You both deserve happy, healthy lives. I agree with Prodigal's suggestion of learning all you can about alcoholism and codependency and joining a support group of some sort. Arm yourself with the knowledge and support you'll need to get through this challenging transition and just every day life with an addict.

Welcome to the forum. Glad to see another dog and book lover here.
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Old 12-22-2006, 10:12 PM
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Welcome - I couldn't agree more with what everyone else here have said...we all have our own stories to tell some with hope for the future and some with having a parting of ways but one thing is for sure hun...we all had to come to terms with our lives...and our own situations.

We dont always get the outcome that we hope for but we do get well. And I hope that you stick around here and gain strength through fellowship with us. I remember when I first came here and I came looking for answers and through the people here I came to realize that I was just as ill as my then STBXAH (soon to be ex alcoholic husband). And I still am. But growing stronger every time. Click on any of our names and read our past postings and you will see our histories and how we all came to be here and you will notice by the dates how the healing takes place. It's phonenmenal to be sure.

Have a Merry Christmas sweetpea.

Janit
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Old 12-22-2006, 11:18 PM
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Once again, thanks for all the responses. They mean so much.

I took Janit's advice and kind of checked out everyone's background here. At least those of you lovely women who have responded to my posts. Everyone seems to have gone through so much. With the abuse and screaming you've experienced, AHs getting arrested, other women, half-way houses, just so much! I almost feel like I don't belong here. I've never gone through any of that. AH has blamed me in the past for things, but it's never escalated to abuse or real God-awful screaming matches. The hardest thing for me are the mood swings and contradictions, and the pathetic sleeping situation we have (I described that in my first post). I almost feel like I should say 'bye-bye' and quit whining about my situation. You ladies have all been through so much!
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