Trying to stay sober while maintaining my disfuntional relationships
I'm trying to come to terms with my problem. I haven't had a drink in two weeks, and this is pretty amazing for me. I've lived with my partner for eight years now, and he has always had problems with alcohol and at times vicodin and other meds. He drink's atleast a fifth of whiskey per day... He seems to be a functioning alcoholic. He is successful in his career, and very professional within his line of work. Although due to my also demanding work schedule, I hardly see him due to constant drinking and passing out - this is usually his state when I arrive home from work.
He actually encouraged me to start down the destructive path years ago, there is a significant age difference between the two of us... He thought I needed to 'mellow' out and 'have fun'... I was easily intimidated by him, and I have always felt a sense of fear of being alone or going without a support system in life in general. He also has anger problems and has caused serve emotional pain for me. He has a tendancy to destroy things in the house when he is drunk, name calls, berates me, demands me to pick up his alcohol,run errands, etc.. He really does scare me at times too, he becomes a hateful monster. But for some reason I love this man with everything in my heart - maybe i'm stupid? or weak? both? I don't know really....
Anyway, My problem started by my BF manipulating me into getting his prescription drugs for him. It was really embarassing for me, and against my morals. In turn I started abusing these substances as well. Even to a point that my hair was falling out due to malnutrition, this was the effect of the extensive vicodin use. I'm concerned that it may have had lasting effects on my organs as well... especially since I have been drinking regularly for the past few years. I stopped using vicodin about 4 years ago.
In the past couple of years, I had started drinking about 1 bottle of red wine and vodka each night after I come home from work. I also take prescription medication due to depression and anxiety problems. These are completely regulated by my doctor, but I shouldn't drink while taking them. I have alcohol in the house still, but haven't touched it. I don't know why I haven't dumped it yet... but I feel like my BF will just buy more hoping I will drink it. It's like I can't escape the pressure to drink. So I keep the bottles in there as almost a disguise that I am still drinking so he won't pressure me into doing it with him.
Another problem I have is that Alcoholism is rampant throughout the industry I work in... due to the intense stress level involved with my type of work and the hours as well. I am constantly surrounded by people that have the same problem. I've hidden my problem very well over the years, and many others do too. Although I constantly have a high level executive telling me drinking stories and making his drinking adventures conversation. He also fails to show up to work at a decent time, so I am burdened with his hangover when he gets in.... I wind up doing more work than I should, and not to mention the amount of time he wastes talking about how much he had to drink the night before. I also have to deal with this guy while he is completely drunk and then he can not remember our business agreements. Overall people totally excuse him from his behavior due to his title and name within the industry, so everyone just laughs it off.. except for me. I try to pretend it's funny, while I'm screaming inside 'YOU DRUNK IDIOT'.
I get so angry inside that it makes me so depressed at work. I've retreated to my office, which is causing even more depression...
I am so completely stressed out and depressed between trying to stop my drinking and trying to deal with living with my alcoholic boyfriend, and then having to go to work or get calls constantly from a drunk co-worker. I am so numb right now to everything, and feel so alone. I spend my evenings by myself, either in front of the TV or hiding in the den trying to avoid my BF and his drunk behavior.... while also overcoming my problem. Then getting to work early day to day and having to go through the whole routine over and over again with the same people
I feel like I want to drink now, but I know I can't... and really don't want to. But It's almost like I don't know how to make this depression go away. I can't easily change jobs right now, and I don't want to move out before I have had a chance to work on our relationship and my boyfriend coping with his drinking as well.
Anyway, I could use some advice if anyone has some to offer....