deax

God, denny, you have this way of phrasing things. I've read this like 10 times now and I still don't know if I get what you're saying, lol... And every time I try and respond, I think of something new.

First, I DO want him to feel pain from losing me. If someone doesn't feel the loss at all of someone they love walking out of their lives, then I don't know if they loved thst person.

At the same time, I know that someone's actions may not necessarily indicate their true feelings. Like, to me, a total stalker type who won't take no for an answer and harasses women-- I don't see that as love at all, I see that as a sickness. So I guess that's kinda why I asked here- I *think* he loved me (in his way...), but his behavior isn't escalating, so I wanted to make sure I was stil 'allowed' to believe that. We talk about addiction as being this selfish, irrational disease, so I guess I expected to see more irrational behavior.

Part of me thinks if he loved me more, he'd be banging my door down. But I know that's not even in his personality. Not that I've ever seen. I know he's gotten angry at another woman in the past and ended up getting arrested, but I never for a second felt that he would treat me that way. Different circumstances. Which then makes me wonder: is my belief that he wouldn't hurt me MY truth, or is that me making excuses for him? Those are exactly the kinds of issues that I find confusing-- what is guaranteed with their behavior, and what is just individual differences.

His relative calm and acceptance of the situation with me then therefore makes me think- he's not that bad. Now, I am never planning to get back together with him. Just trying to understand all of this for me. Some things still haven't clicked in my brain, and I analyze things so much that I can put them to work better in my life if I can really get them.

Back to pain-- yes I would also like for him to be in enough pain to hit his bottom (if one exists for him). Is that terrible of me?

I don't know why this never occurred to me. Seriously denny, you have a way of simplifying things and it makes so much sense. His handling of this situation is exactly who he is-- the guy who bad things just happen to. It's weirdly liberating for me to look at it that way. I don't have to take anythig he does personally, like cmc said. For some reason I think of movies and books where the guy turns his whole life around, has his moment of clarity in reponse to losing someone he loves. Rich isnt one of those guys. He already lost too much. He puts the bare minimum into everything, waits for life to work itself out, like sisterray alluded to. I know it's a cliche and eventually cliches kinda lose their meaning, but why would I expect someone who doesn't love himself at all to move mountains for me?