Motives And Confusion
been thinking of filing for a protective order from xah.
had a knee jerk reaction to file one all day yesterday. didn't act upon it.
here's my issue......what are my motives for doing so? i'm having a lot of mixed emotions right now re:how his last incarceration was handled, the fact that he has another woman, i'm feeling horribly unheard within the judicial system.....and he keeps calling me, although sporadically, and popping in from 3 counties away....now these contacts are not nice....they are always done in a drunken charm, then begging, then ranting, then blaming, then rage...with threats attached at the end.
i'm not really afraid of him anymore. so it's not fear that is my motivation, i don't think.
there is a little nagging, sick, little voice in the back of my mind that says....if you file this restraining order....it is final.....2 years of not seeing his face or hearing his voice. even tho he is incredibly sick, a glimpse of him every once in a while, or hearing his voice, reassures me that he is still alive....and i so fear for his very life.
ok.....so what difference does that make????? why do i prefer to revisit the pain that his contact creates, rather than to just shut out the hurt for 2 years????
and am i wanting to file for retaliation....cause of the other woman??? i know better than thinking like this.....but i'm jealous that she has taken the place of a very sick role player in his so very sick life.
it absolutely floored me when i saw her....i could not believe it. it broke my heart to see her and the choice he had made.....he was always so classy, before he got so sick, would have never looked twice at a woman who had the appearance and behaviors that this woman has....i would have felt so much better if she had appeared to have it together. her physical appearance was shocking, her grooming was very slack and ill kempt....if only she had been beautiful and gave off that special something...ya know????
it was truly a statement of how rapidly his progression into this disease is going.
and then it hit me.....maybe it hadn't mattered at all who i was when we met...he just needed a warm body, place to live, financial support, and i was female????? my value as a person had actually meant nothing to him????
i know this is long, and rambling....imagine what it's like in my brain...lol
just venting here, and trying to figure out the next right thing. seeing it in writing helps.
one thing that just hit me....if i filed the order, it's only a matter of time before he would break it, and i would make the call to have him arrested, then he would be back in jail....away from that woman.....and i would have the illusion of control again.
i just can't imagine the rest of my life without him.....or with him. WTF!!!???
love to all
jeri