embraced2000

been thinking of filing for a protective order from xah.

had a knee jerk reaction to file one all day yesterday. didn't act upon it.

here's my issue......what are my motives for doing so? i'm having a lot of mixed emotions right now re:how his last incarceration was handled, the fact that he has another woman, i'm feeling horribly unheard within the judicial system.....and he keeps calling me, although sporadically, and popping in from 3 counties away....now these contacts are not nice....they are always done in a drunken charm, then begging, then ranting, then blaming, then rage...with threats attached at the end.

i'm not really afraid of him anymore. so it's not fear that is my motivation, i don't think.

there is a little nagging, sick, little voice in the back of my mind that says....if you file this restraining order....it is final.....2 years of not seeing his face or hearing his voice. even tho he is incredibly sick, a glimpse of him every once in a while, or hearing his voice, reassures me that he is still alive....and i so fear for his very life.

ok.....so what difference does that make????? why do i prefer to revisit the pain that his contact creates, rather than to just shut out the hurt for 2 years????

and am i wanting to file for retaliation....cause of the other woman??? i know better than thinking like this.....but i'm jealous that she has taken the place of a very sick role player in his so very sick life.

it absolutely floored me when i saw her....i could not believe it. it broke my heart to see her and the choice he had made.....he was always so classy, before he got so sick, would have never looked twice at a woman who had the appearance and behaviors that this woman has....i would have felt so much better if she had appeared to have it together. her physical appearance was shocking, her grooming was very slack and ill kempt....if only she had been beautiful and gave off that special something...ya know????

it was truly a statement of how rapidly his progression into this disease is going.

and then it hit me.....maybe it hadn't mattered at all who i was when we met...he just needed a warm body, place to live, financial support, and i was female????? my value as a person had actually meant nothing to him????

i know this is long, and rambling....imagine what it's like in my brain...lol

just venting here, and trying to figure out the next right thing. seeing it in writing helps.

one thing that just hit me....if i filed the order, it's only a matter of time before he would break it, and i would make the call to have him arrested, then he would be back in jail....away from that woman.....and i would have the illusion of control again.

i just can't imagine the rest of my life without him.....or with him. WTF!!!???

love to all
jeri

AllTooSober

Jeri, is it possible that your motivation to file could be an attempt to just be done with all of this, even if you believe he'd just break it? A restraining order is a legally binding boundary, or so it seems to me, and having him arrested for breaking it is more like defending that boundary more than trying to control him or get him away from that woman. Don't forget, he has choices in this too, he can choose to obey the order or choose to break it. You aren't responsible for what he does.

Part of the insanity of addiction, if it isn't stating the obvious too much, is how it makes the loved ones doubt themselves to this degree. (((jeri)))

mazey

Hi Jeri, You just have to finally decide if you want any contact or not....You do not feel in fear, and in Illinois to get an order you must feel in fear, and have substantiating information. I guess, if needed, you could always use that episode from a couple weeks ago.
Our connection to them is horrible in our lives. Has he tried to contact you since that episode? If not, can you just put it behind you? He has the skanky woman now to harass. Let's look at his progression w/ the disease, and his choice in women has progressed in the not so good way too, so don't think badly of yourself in his choices. He chose you a long time ago, when he wasn't as sick. Oh, I wish we could just block every thought of them...and move on smoothly. Don't feel bad he has someone, cuz it's not a healthy relationship, he can't have one. You will be fine....move ahead, step at a time. Easier said than done to take them out of our heads, but with our hope of recovery we must try, at least put them in the back corner.
I feel for you.....Linda

Zoey

How I wish there was a Recovery Pill for all this, Seems like we all go through this in some degree. Thank you for sharing. Caring ((BIG HUGS))

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hey ((((((JERI)))))) sorry for this. The back and forth thinking that we go through. Regardless of what you "know" and you do know it. There is that piece I am hearing about love. I think that an A loves. I really do believe that. I know that my AH loves me. Yet, like this morning can make an off-handed remark that you just shake your head over and say. "Hey, I know you love me so uh why the sarcasm?" "Why the remark?" about whatever. Now mind you he is sober but his mind is not. It just goes with the disease. Your AH sounds like he WAS that kind and then it got worse for whatever reasons. Who knows? My dad has alzheimer's early onset and at that time a woman took him for everything and I could not help him because HE would not let me. Social services said hey you can't help him if he wants to live that way. I had to let go. I guess it kind of gets back to how do you want to let go and when? I hope this helps.Irsh

ICU

Speaking from experience, it's unlikely that he would spend much time in jail if he violated the order. Sure, he 'might' be arrested and would spend a night or two in jail until bail could be posted. Even if he pled guilty to violation by contacting you, more than likely he would just be put on probation. The jails are filled with people right now. There 's just not that much room for a first time protective order violator it seems.

I think you are wise to question your motives for wanting to do this. And that's something that only you can answer. But if you're truly not afraid of him, odds are you might not get the protective order in the first place. Laws on this very from state to state. And the courts don't want to be in the position of dealing with these orders unless there is an absolute need for it.

Change your phone number, don't answer the door if he's there, alert people at work not to allow him into the bldg., see if you can get your work number changed, etc. These might all be more viable options for you.

But, if ever there comes a time when you really ARE afraid and you're 'gut' is telling you to take action, then don't hesitate to seek a protective order.

P.S. I fully admit that I don't know all the circumstances to your situation, so if there's more to the story that would put on a different spin on it, maybe my answer would be inappropriate. I just replied based on what you have said here.

CatsTail

Well as far as it not mattering who it was when you met obviously it was the same with my ex, I was another stepping stone on the path of his very sick life.

Ngaire

CatsTail

Jeri,

File for your own protection, it doesn't mean he won't try to break it. My sons father spent 3 years breaking all his restraining orders. Could never get him out of my face.

Ngaire

Cali wife

The orders aren't brimstone and your not superman...I have filed them before they are worthless pieces of paper. You have to prove they did what they did and most of the time you can't. I know you miss the unreal person you dream him to be....but honestly thats a far cry from who he is! Be honest with yourself!!!! Let him find another FOOL to love him.
Change your number....stay away from what you imagion him to be and take a long hard look at who he is!!!!
I have dealt with this before myself...very sad ending my guy killed himself and was looking for me right before he ended his sad life....talk was he wanted to take me with him.
Remember to think about you and what you want from life...
cali-wife

embraced2000

after thinking on it for awhile, it finally came to me.....i was waddin, gawmin, and messin around with all of it in my head. if a decision is that complicated and not clear, then something isn't right with how i 'm thinking.

so the slogan...keep it simple applied. my motives were a mixture of the old way of thinking and my new way of thinking....so i will do nothing for now, unless there is a next time of his contact.

altho i stated i am not afraid of him any longer, i do not dismiss that he can be a dangerous person while drunk or in a black out. my higher power had me that night last week when he showed up drunk in my office.

i did not go into detail of all that happened, no need to.....but it was not pretty and it started to get physical when he was trying to wrestle the phone away from me....i hit myself in the nose with the phone when i won the contest and still have a scab on the side of my nose.....gosh, that hurts to be hit in the nose....

it was surreal....cause i felt empowered and had no fear....i have allowed myself to be intimidated by his abuse for too long. it feels wonderful not to paralyzed from that fear.

so, i got outta my thinkin and just lived today. that feels good, too. to just live.

thanks to all that posted and read
love to all
jeri

FormerDoormat

"even tho he is incredibly sick, a glimpse of him every once in a while, or hearing his voice, reassures me that he is still alive....and i so fear for his very life."

I know this feeling well, Jeri. Even though my journey with Richard has been incredibly painful at times, he's also brought me great joy over the years, and I believe the the world is a better place with him in it. I, too, need reassurance that he's still alive because as long as there's a breath in his body, there's a chance he could get well.

mazey

Oh, how true! It would be so easy if we didn't care, didn't have good memories, hadn't been so "bonded"! It'll all get better, day by day......

minah

Hi Jeri,

I would like to remind you to 'love yourself enough to remove yourself from his insanity'. And I keep fakin' this statement till I make it :-)

He likely loved you and you loved him when you first got together. Maybe he did have higher standards then and now with the disease anything will do. We can speculate all we want. However your only truth now is knowing how you felt once upon a time and the realization that eventually it sadly evolved into an unhealthy situation for you.

It does not matter who the woman is now, what she looks like etc. You are mourning the man that was many years ago and not the one that is now. It sounds like you've done good to remove yourself from his situation. When I have felt jealousy etc creeping up (in regard to new women in his life) I remind myself that 'to the victor go the spoils'. I remind myself I should feel VERY grateful that this (not having him anymore) is a war I should be glad to have lost. It is just sad that another woman is so emotionally needy to want to fix him. Truly, I wish we (including him) could feel better about ourselves.

As to the restraining order, I think you know best how in danger/not you are. From reading many of your posts I think you have a good sense on how to take care of you.

Best of luck, Minah