I need to talk. (long and rambling)
Not much has changed and it has been a long time since I have been here.
I am just so sad and nothing turned out the way I had planned.
When I was here last I was determined to leave my AH. I had all the plans in place at the end of summer if he hadn't changed I was going to leave.
I was planning to not go back home at the end of the summer break if he hadn't changed his ways. The weekend before I was planning to leave he was drunk that Friday night and Sunday night and was really over the top as far as his yelling and aggressivness.
He hadn't seen the kids and I in a week and he was just over the top. My 14 year old daughter was in tears and couldn't understand why he was only yelling at her and hadn't even said hi.
IT just ripped out my heart and I was sure I would not go home (we were at our other home) to him on Monday.
On Sunday night he was sober because he had a 3 hour drive so I called and talked to him. I told him I was planning to leave and he apoligized but said he didn't remember any of it. I told him I would come home if he agreed to counseling. He said he would go to counseling and I thought he had finally seen how serious I was and was willing to change. He went to one counseling session and won't go back. Says its pointless and they just want your money to hear you talk.
We went to 1 appointment and now he won't go back. He admitted to me he is an A and "maybe he should stop drinking" but makes no moves to. He says he will never go to AA.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ever leave him. I don't know if I am just afraid of what will happen or what.
I don't know what would happen financially. We have our own business that is very profitable and I would have to walk away (he has it only in his name) from it all even though I am the person in charge of all books and financials for the business. Our other home is 3 hours away and I would locate there. It would leave him in a huge bind and I don't know what would happen to the business.
When he isn't drinking I love him but when he is drinking I hate him. He isn't a bad person and it is so hard to walk away from that good person. I just don't know how long I can go on like this.
He will still drive drunk and I can't stop him even though he knows he will loose his CDL for a long time. Nothing seems to really matter to him.
Im sorry this is so long. I am just hurting so much right now. I want to leave but the uncertanty of everything is keeping me here.
He will sometimes go 1-2 night without drinking but beyond that he drinks nightly and gets drunk at least once a week and sometimes 3 times in a week.
I think the only way he will ever stop is if something really heartbreakingly drastic would have to happen and even then I am starting to wonder if it would really make a diffrence.