I need to talk. (long and rambling)

Old 11-29-2006, 08:37 AM
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I need to talk. (long and rambling)

Not much has changed and it has been a long time since I have been here.
I am just so sad and nothing turned out the way I had planned.

When I was here last I was determined to leave my AH. I had all the plans in place at the end of summer if he hadn't changed I was going to leave.

I was planning to not go back home at the end of the summer break if he hadn't changed his ways. The weekend before I was planning to leave he was drunk that Friday night and Sunday night and was really over the top as far as his yelling and aggressivness.
He hadn't seen the kids and I in a week and he was just over the top. My 14 year old daughter was in tears and couldn't understand why he was only yelling at her and hadn't even said hi.
IT just ripped out my heart and I was sure I would not go home (we were at our other home) to him on Monday.

On Sunday night he was sober because he had a 3 hour drive so I called and talked to him. I told him I was planning to leave and he apoligized but said he didn't remember any of it. I told him I would come home if he agreed to counseling. He said he would go to counseling and I thought he had finally seen how serious I was and was willing to change. He went to one counseling session and won't go back. Says its pointless and they just want your money to hear you talk.

We went to 1 appointment and now he won't go back. He admitted to me he is an A and "maybe he should stop drinking" but makes no moves to. He says he will never go to AA.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ever leave him. I don't know if I am just afraid of what will happen or what.

I don't know what would happen financially. We have our own business that is very profitable and I would have to walk away (he has it only in his name) from it all even though I am the person in charge of all books and financials for the business. Our other home is 3 hours away and I would locate there. It would leave him in a huge bind and I don't know what would happen to the business.

When he isn't drinking I love him but when he is drinking I hate him. He isn't a bad person and it is so hard to walk away from that good person. I just don't know how long I can go on like this.

He will still drive drunk and I can't stop him even though he knows he will loose his CDL for a long time. Nothing seems to really matter to him.

Im sorry this is so long. I am just hurting so much right now. I want to leave but the uncertanty of everything is keeping me here.

He will sometimes go 1-2 night without drinking but beyond that he drinks nightly and gets drunk at least once a week and sometimes 3 times in a week.
I think the only way he will ever stop is if something really heartbreakingly drastic would have to happen and even then I am starting to wonder if it would really make a diffrence.
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Old 11-29-2006, 08:49 AM
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Did he know you were planning to leave? If not, can you make business changes to let him know you do this and that with the financial issues and you would like to have half of the business see an attorney for particulars first if needed? I believe in CYA cover yourself, then try al-anon. Do not ever make an ultimatum to yourself or others until you have totally worked out everything including your feelings. I know I am doing that. I wish you the best. Welcome to SR.
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Old 11-29-2006, 08:49 AM
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What jumps out at me is the effect it is having on your daughter. Are you afraid of what will happen to her if you stay?

Taking the focus off of him (and losing the idea that I knew what would actually be heartbreakingly drastic to him) really helped me separate myself from AH.

Do you attend Al-Anon? That could be particularly helpful, whether you decide to stay or go, as well as Alateen for your daughter. My heart breaks for her.
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Old 11-29-2006, 08:57 AM
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good afternoon refreshing

no words of wisdom here today.......just want you to know you are not alone in this world of living with the effects of alcoholism.

al-anon was a life saver for me......and alateen would be wonderful for your daughter.

blessings to you
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:02 AM
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I have not attended al-anon. I have been married to AH for almost 15 years. Looking back I see it has always been a problem but the last 3 years is when it has really started affecting our lives. I don't know much about these programs and plan to read alot more but at the moment don't know much. Could you explain al-anon to me?

I never even considered leaving until earlier this year when his drinking started impacting the kids (ages 14, 13, & 7). It hurts me to see how much it affects them but at the same time would it be worse to leave. I weigh this very heavily as I don't want to do the wrong thing.
My AH doesn't respect my daughter and thinks she is stupid. He has been very downgrading to her in the past but has been doing better since I have been telling him how much he is hurting her by the way he was treating her. When he is drunk though he still acts out.

As far as the business goes he is not open to putting me on the business name. I have a hard time letting go of things I have worked so hard for. I relocated my whole life for this business.

Thanks for posting. I really need the advice and also I need help figuring out what to do. It is really hard to make any dicisions as it affects so many.
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:08 AM
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There are links to the Al-Anon site on the main page and a sticky that explains what goes on at meetings.

It might be helpful to ask some adult children of alcoholics here what it was like for them growing up. I have had my eyes opened by listening to their stories.

I'd also talk to an attorney re the business, etc. The first hour will be free and you will learn a lot. My first trip to an attorney gave me the strength to take the next step.

It was the same for me - 15 years of relative calm and 2 years of absolute hell. It is a progressive disease.

Good luck and take care.
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by denny57 View Post
Taking the focus off of him (and losing the idea that I knew what would actually be heartbreakingly drastic to him) really helped me separate myself from AH.
How do you do this? I have a really hard time not putting myself in his shoes and seeing how much it would hurt him for me to leave.

As far as the affects on my children if I stay. I honestly can't figure out if its worse to stay or leave. I love my kids so much. I don't want to hurt them. I don't know what would hurt them the most. I know my 13 year old son acts out to his younger brother and when I try to talk to him he just gets angry and says his dad doesn't have any right to treat him that way either but he does so I think my son feels justified in his actions toward his brother.

I feel I am in a no win situation.
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:20 AM
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Al-Anon, open AA meetings, therapy, discussions with our family doctor. All of this helped me. I think you can see the effects of staying. I guess you wouldn't know the effects of leaving unless you tried it. That's a very personal and complicated decision, I know.

I can't put myself in the shoes of an alcoholic. I can have compassion for the disease and the man, but I no longer base my life decisions on someone else's happiness. I believe if I had children that would weigh heavily on my decision. It does appear from your posts that your children are not thriving in active addiction.

((()))
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:37 AM
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I am really trying to change my thought process on basing my decisions on his happiness. It is a hard thing to change though. I am looking into the al-anon today and al-ateen today. I honesty just wish he would stop drinking. My daughter said the other night that she loves her dad and doesn't want to live without him and just wants him to stop drinking. It makes me wonder if my kids are wishing I would leave but not saying it.
I don't know how much to say to them because I do not sway my kids in any way about how they feel about someone. Meaning I don't down AH or build him up to them.

I would love to hear from people who have left and how it affected them and the children.
Thanks to everyone who has responded. It does help alot.
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:39 AM
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I am the adult child of an alcoholic and just coming to terms with it. I am also very codependent, which I think relates being an ACOA.

I married an addict. Did it have something to do with my father being an alcoholic....maybe, maybe not. I'm still trying to figure that out.

You don't realize how HARD it is to grow up and not know if you father is going to yell at you when you walk in the door or if he will be "normal" dad. It doesn't matter that you are a great mother, my mom was too. It was still TOO scary for me to come home and have to deal with an alcoholic father.

I have been ashamed of it for a long time and didn't talk about it because I didn't want everyone to know that my dad that way. He missed out on my school functions, he left us for days at a time, he was mean, he yelled, he wanted to pick fights, he drove drunk, etc.

I have to say, it affected me as a kid more than my mom ever knew. She still doesn't know.

its hard growing up with an alcoholic father.

I don't want this to sound harsh but I want you to see it from another perspective. It doesn't matter that he may not be physically violent.
Some of the things in your post just got to me.

Since I can't quote yet, this is one of them:

"I know my 13 year old son acts out to his younger brother and when I try to talk to him he just gets angry and says his dad doesn't have any right to treat him that way either but he does so I think my son feels justified in his actions toward his brother."

This is another:

"My 14 year old daughter was in tears and couldn't understand why he was only yelling at her and hadn't even said hi."

My self esteem has been bad for a long time. I don't feel good about myself and I am just now learning to love myself. I had bad relationships with guys and had bad relationships peroid. I didn't feel good about myself growing up because of what my dad did or said or how he embarrassed me if I happened to have a friend over. I hated not being able to have a lot of friends stay the night because my dad might be drinking and who knows what he would have done.

Well, I am gonna hop off my soap box. It just seems to me that you do have an idea of what this is doing to your kids. Have you asked them how it affects them?

Everyone has to reach their bottoms, including the codependent.
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by refreshing34 View Post
How do you do this? I have a really hard time not putting myself in his shoes and seeing how much it would hurt him for me to leave.

I feel this exact same way! I can totally relate. I guess we both have to learn to put ourselves first.

Definitely seek legal counsel to see what you may be able to do about the business.

Hang in there.
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Old 11-29-2006, 10:20 AM
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Okay. I reread my post and it does sound a little harsh and that's the furtherest thing I wanted it to be.

I know its hard to leave an alcoholic/addict because I haven't left my addict yet. I don't have kids and won't have kids unless he stays in recovery for a long time. He's currently clean and working a program. Been clean for a whilenow but the closest I came to leaving him was kicking him out for a little over a week because I didn't allow drug use in our house. He cleaned up after that first day but I still didn't allow him back until he made progressive steps toward starting a program.

I know how hard it is to leave someone you love so much. I just pray that God leads you to the decision that needs to be made, whether it be staying or leaving. We all have to reach the point where we aren't willing to take anymore from our addicts/alcoholics.

I should also add that my dad got clean and sober when I was around 10 or so..he's been sober for about 14 years. I still hold resentment toward him....I guess I'm just overly sensitive about this subject and maybe I shouldn't have replied. I'm sorry for being harsh.

Prayers going up for you (((refreshing))).
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Old 11-29-2006, 10:40 AM
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Refreshing, I feel for you about the business but there must be some laws in your state that say something about you as his wife. You even re-located!! I would seek counsel from a good attorney. I did for other reasons and it is empowering even if you don't make a move. It sounds to me though as if your children are suffering. Denny made great suggestions and I think all who posted have given valid information and suggestions. I totally hear you. I wish you peace. I wish your children peace. As you research some of these programs I think then you will realize how to put yourself less in your husbands shoes and more in your own. It is very hard to change old habits and patterns of behavior. I too just wish he would stop drinking (my AH) but I have come to realize that is not possible. So then I go from there. Every journey begins with one step. It may be only one for a long time and then another and then another. Irsh
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:06 AM
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Jwife22, I so appriciate your post. I do not feel like you were trying to be harsh. I guess I need that. I am also interested in hearing from people who have lived with A. I did cry as I read your post knowing how hard it is to live with a man like that so I can't even imagine being a child so it is helpful for me seeing it from a kids perspective.

I will take everything that was said here to heart and it will help me as I make this hard dicision.

On the business. I live in a community property state so I know I have some protection from that but I will take the advice and see an attorney and as someone mentioned maybe it will help me see my options. It could help me see where I need to go.

I am sorry I haven't responded as I want because I have a hard time remembering everything.
It is really hard to follow through in the difficult step of leaving.
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:54 AM
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Oh you poor thing, how difficult. My heart goes out to you, and even more to your children...
"I know my 13 year old son acts out to his younger brother and when I try to talk to him he just gets angry and says his dad doesn't have any right to treat him that way either but he does so I think my son feels justified in his actions toward his brother." And your young daughter, in tears over her dad. And what about the littlest one (7?) God love him.
As you said, it must be really hard to follow through in the difficult step of leaving. Do you have to make that decision right now? Maybe now is the time , for your and your kids' sake, to collect info, research into what all your options realistically are, then you will hopefully be better equipped to make the right decision for all of you, especially you and your children.
I've not been myself, but am thinking about (my AH died recently) going to AL ANON, as people here speak so highly of it. Could you try that?
You sound like a very caring mum, and your heart must be breaking, knowing your kids are suffering.
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Old 11-29-2006, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by MLALOK View Post
Do you have to make that decision right now? Maybe now is the time , for your and your kids' sake, to collect info, research into what all your options realistically are, then you will hopefully be better equipped to make the right decision for all of you, especially you and your children.
I've not been myself, but am thinking about (my AH died recently) going to AL ANON, as people here speak so highly of it. Could you try that?
You sound like a very caring mum, and your heart must be breaking, knowing your kids are suffering.
I don't have to make that decision right now but I feel things are only getting worse. Im not planning to leave right now but in the future I am sure it will come to that unless he gets help.
I am working on plans to leave if it comes to that. I have taken important papers (ss cards, birth certificates, school records ect) to my sisters so I have access to them if I need them in a hurry or I can't get back home to get them. I am working on my resume so I can get a job if I have to leave. I have a family member who knows all that is going on and is behind me and supporting me.

I live in a small town and am in the process of locating Al anon but can't find al ateen in my area. If I move the area I would go to has it close enough to go to but none in my area and thier age doesn't start until 12 but that would help the 2 older ones. I just want to find something here.
I am looking.

Sorry to hear about your AH dying. My heart goes out to you.

I am so thankful for all the advice here. I will find some help for me and my children.
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:08 PM
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That is good you have a family member who knows all that is going on. Remember, we here are also behind you and supporting you. None of us are alone. We here have all been effected in some way by this horrific disease. It saps your confidence, your belief in your own decisions and in yourself. The heartache is massive isn't it.
And even if you don't make any major decisions for now, you are doing useful things, eg sorting your important papers etc... That has to be good. You're worth millions to us, but even more so to your kids. Take care, and as I get told, keep posting, it's so very helpful.
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Old 11-29-2006, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Refreshing
Im sorry this is so long. I am just hurting so much right now. I want to leave but the uncertanty of everything is keeping me here.
I know how that feels. I knew what I needed to do, but I was so very stuck in my fear. I've said this before to others, so sorry if I sound like I'm always repeating myself, but I want to say it again. One morning I woke up, and the fear of staying was greater than the fear of leaving. So I did.
Take care, and stick around.
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Old 11-29-2006, 08:27 PM
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It's good you found this site....and you reallly should try Alanon and read, read, read. It is so enlightening and helps a ton to "sort things out". I think most of us that have separated have thought about it, planned for it for a long time before we could actually accept doing it. When I say "planned" I mean kinda had an idea what we would need to do legally, They say to go to at least 6 meetings. And, I know the first ones I went to, I wanted everyone to tell me their story and how they made it work or how they got out. It doesn't really do that, but it gives you tools to figure YOUR deal out. Sharing....
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