Today has been horrible. I've gone a couple of weeks deleting voicemails from him and not responding to his emails, but then stupid, stupid me responds to one and the even more stupid me answers the phone at work when he calls. Why do I do this to myself?
I cannot deal with this anymore! I have spent all day in a full blown panic. Will he get through the holiday weekend okay? Is he going to show up unannounced at my family's house? I am scared to death about this long weekend. I've told you all before he's an A and has BPD. I think he's cycling and he can get really out of control and violent when that happens especially if he is binging. I am worried sick! I am actually thinking about not doing the holiday with the family. They do not know how bad it got before I left. I have never told them anything other than I couldn't live my life the way he wants to live his. I feel like I have to protect them from this. (Is that codie? I don't know) I am so tired of worrying about him. I do not want that old relationship with him anymore, but I am terrified to tell him that outright. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of feeling responsible for him. I am tired of trying to be strong enough for everyone. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm already worrying about Christmas and I haven't even gotten through this holiday yet. I am so wired tonight! I hate this! Somebody help me please. I don't think I can do this!