Here I go again........
Hi, I'm a newbie here and just joined today. I am sober right now, although I'm pretty hung over from last night. My dh is out of town and I poured my heart out to him last night over the phone. I told him I am an alcoholic and I want to stop drinking. I asked him if he still loved me and if he would help me and he said yes to both.
A little background.........
I am 30 years old. When I was 19 I became addicted to Crystal Meth and ended up in rehab 3 times before I finally got clean at the age of 21. I did the 12 steps and went to all the AA meetings, even though I kept telling people I was not an alcoholic. They kept telling me I was and I would just roll my eyes and think they were nuts. I didn't drink that much!! I was addicted to methamphetimines and that's why I was there!! Why didn't they get that??? I now know that I was the one that didn't get it. And here I am again, having to start the 12 steps over - this time because I am an alcoholic.
I don't know when I actually started drinking heavily. At one point it was an occasional beer or two. But I know there were several years from the time I met my husband to a time when I can recall that the drinking had become habitual. It wasn't always this bad.
I drink every night. I will have my first beer when I put my youngest son down for his nap around 1pm, my second around 3pm and then usually move onto something harder in the evenings. Wine mostly, sometimes rum. I usually pound 6 or 7 drinks in one night - on top of the beer I drank in the afternoon. Sometimes I will take a hit of weed on top of that if there is any around.
Why does that look worse when I read it than what it really seems? I am a good mother and my kids love me and I dont "feel" drunk until after they go to bed. I pace myself so that I am not totally inebriated while caring for them.
Oh, Lord. I need help. How did I let myself get this out of control? I will admit one thing - I love to feel high. If I don't get my high, I feel anxious and frustrated.
I don't want my children to see me like this anymore. My 6 year old has already said stuff to me. He knows I am hurting myself by drinking and smoking cigarettes. He tells me to stop all the time and gets upset when I don't.
Thanks for listening.
~CRYSTAL~