Dn't have a lot of time to write til later because I'm having a very hectic day (AND I got a $115 parking ticket this am) but just wanted to say...
to Texas Girl-- thanks for posting. Yeah I've always noticed too that were in similar boats even with the timing of things, but I thought you seemed to have been doing so well lately. Better than I am, I thought. And part of the reason I started this thread I think was because I'm always comparing myself to others to find something wrong with me, so I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling was actually ok-- and you guys have shown me that it is. I guess that's part of my self esteem issues, I'm never doing anything well enough. Or something. Even this kinda stuff, with which you can only do your best and take one thing at a time. I really liked what you said about doing things "eventually." Maybe that's just perfectly fine!
I remember when I was pretty new here a member said something to me like, "stop talking that way, you're being a bad example of recovery to other people, you're supposed to get more serene every day not go backwards." I don't think she probably meant it that way and I can't remember what I said that her comment was in response to, but that always bounces around in my head. Am I supposed to feel a little better every day? Because if so, I'm doing something wrong. I'm not recovering "right." I go backwards alot. So therefore I'm different from everyone else, more messed up than everyone else. Kinda like the As who are "terminaly unique," I tend to think of myself that way too.
Side note: I get jealous and pissed off at people with all their serenity, when their recovery is working. Then I get jealous and pissed off of the people who are doing all the 'wrong' things and still dancing the dance with their As, because at least they still get to talk to them, to hold on a little longer. Constantly comparing my situation to other people. Myself to other people.
So even though I know logically that I shoulnd't feel that there are emotional timelines, I still always beat myself up with it. "You shoudl not be feeling this way!" The I get frustrated because aside from working the steps, I'm doing everything I can think of. If only I was as patient with myself as I had been with him!
What denny said is absolutely true, that maturity is in the greys. Thank you for that, denny, and for all your help and guidance always. But that statement reminded me of something-- how alot of times with the things I can understand logically, like the grey areas in life and leaving someone even though you love them and how feelings aren't facts--I get it, but I'm still waiting for the rest of me to catch up with my head. You know? Like that light bulb "a-ha!" moment where things click and all of a sudden they make sense on a whole new level? I'm still waiting for that. Looking very much forward to it, in fact. My goal now is to stop beating myself up for not getting things enough-- fast enough, clearly enough, etc.
mazey- it's the sad truth. I'm also working on accepting the fact that even if he found a sobriety that lasted the rest of his life, Rich still might not be the one for me. Still might be a symptom of my own problems not being resolved. That's why some days it feels like there's no prize at the end of any of this waiting for me. No external prize anyway. Hard work on myself ahead is all I can see, ad nauseum.
Nah, just kidding. Kinda. I know I'll be happier, but part of me is afraid, I guess.
I love all you guys for the stuff you always give me to think about. Thanks again to all of you.
