Wow, Deax, I also feel amazingly close to the things you were saying. It was good to read all of that because it helps me realize that I'm not alone with my struggles either. It's so weird...I was cooking right along for a while, and then suddenly I started to feel things about him again. Like today, I was telling a friend that it was difficult to leave someone you love. This is the same girl who a month ago was saying she didn't think she loved him anymore. The past week I have felt like calling him so bad...just to hear his voice, for him to tell me I'm OK......I don't know what for!!!! Like you, I don't actually plan on doing so, but the emotions are very real. I keep finding myself wondering if we could make it work. It scares me a little, you know? The only thing I know wholeheartedly is that I will never live the way I was living again. Period. But I find myself wanting to believe his promises that things will be better. It scares me to know that my head even
went there, to a place where I know I was painfully unhappy. I don't ever want to be there again. And I've said several times to friends, "Wow, it's like I wasted 7 years of my life." And I'm 28!!! I know that, like you said, it really just means that I'm not ready to completely let go yet. But it sucks for now. I'm sure I'll get there eventually...just like I
eventually left. Again, our stories are SO similar...I also just struggle with getting out of bed each day. It's just gotten so hard. I struggle with stupid things too, like taking my dog to go outside to go to the bathroom. It needs to happen, but I sometimes can't even bring myself to do it. It's weird. I'm in a funk.
And I don't feel ready to meet someone new. Or rather, to go out looking for someone new.
I also understand this. I have been going out with friends, but I find myself not even wanting to go down this road of the 'dating scene.' I am not "available" yet, but even just being out talking to people overwhelms me. And then I listen to my friends talk about all of their drama with their boyfriends, and I think to myself that I can't imagine being back in that world again. My world, although clearly difficult, had come to
some point of consistency. I've had a few guys ask me to go to dinner or something, but it all just seems so hard...I don't know if I have it in me to go through all of the dating crap again!!!
I didn't mean to go off....I just related SO CLOSELY with what you are saying. I am continually amazed at how our stories coincide with each others across the board. We all go through a process, both us and our 'As.' I guess there is some relief in the fact that I'm not the only one heading down this uncertain path.
Hang in there. (((Deax)))