OOps, i hit the button before i was finished. Anyway when I start to miss him I put myself back into those scenarios and really try to focus on the bad times. I love him still but I love myself even more to know that I don't want that kind of crap in my life. I cried myself to sleep that night after I got done cleaning up the mess in the kitchen( which I totally should not have done). That night should have been so awesome and romantic. We could have had a candlelight dinner(which he had lit) and we could have had a wonderful night and i could have woke up the next day in his arms but instead I woke up with puffy eyes and in the bed by myself feeling so alone and scared and not knowing what the hell I was going to do with this situation. That is just one situation out of so many. He ruined so many nights for us because of his drinking and my tears were not enough reason for him to stop and they never will be.
No, but I have to say that I kind of led him on that night. I was so mixed up about him, we were on and off and on and off, and I loved him and wanted to be close to him so I made some conflicting choices, but I had no right to make out heavily with him for 20 minutes and then say, "I don't wanna do this." I had issues with sex with him, I think because that general trust piece was so in question all the time.
Gosh this is also similiar- I am glad someone else has done this. I have done this to the ex too. Not intentionally but there were times when we would be having a really good night and we would start to mess around and we would be into it but I would want to stop all of a sudden. I wanted to feel so close to him but a part of me had been lied to and decieved so much at that point that I was so afraid of having those nights with him and getting so close and so in love with him again only to have it blow up in my face the next day. I would try but scenes of him being so wasted would flash thruogh my head and I just could not do it. He understood but also would get mad and feel rejected and it would give him just another reason to go drink. It was a nasty cycle and I am glad that i am not apart of it right now.
I know that a part of me will always love him but I am starting to have days more often where I know that we were not right and that maybe God is keeping us a part for a reason right now. Whether or not he brings us back together again in the future is up to him. It is hard still and I still hurt. I want to call him right now and just talk. I even miss his family. I have a really big, close family but they had become my second family. It is so wierd to be apart of something for 3 yrs and then it just stops. IT seems almost wrong to me but I guess i just have to accept it and keep on coming on here for support. Girl we will get through this and hopefully one of these days we will be typing to each other about the new guys that we are with that are wonderful!!
I am going to go to the gym now-you should give it a try. Maybe I will meet a hottie at the gym!!! LOL-just kidding.