Welcome to SR.... We are very glad that you decided to join us.
Im sorry for the pain your feeling and really do understand how your feeling.... Im sure you know that many here will understand.
How much Al-anon have you had? and what type of a councelor are you seeing.... I ask this because It seems you are in a cycle of the pain and not moving through it.
One thing that caught my eye is that you constantly ask God to take the pain away. One thing I have found true for me is that he did not give me this experience in my life to just lift the results from me.... Instead what I have found is that I use the pain, depression, anxiety and all the rest to relate to others that are also going through this.... I try to help others heal and the only way that I could do that is if I too went through it...... I know it sounds strange but perhaps there is a reason you are going through this and instead of a curse it is really a blessing to others..... The people you will help.... One day and even maybe today you will also be an inspiration to others.... Heck you already are.... others that have not posted and only read are probably inspired by the courage you have to post.
I look forward to getting to know you better .... You are well on your way to having that live you are looking for.