My first post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
My first post
I've been reading this site for two years. Need to post this once to hopefully get it out of me for good.
I'm like many of you, 19 years with AH. Same pain and anquish: alcohol, drugs, verbal and psychological abuse, girls. Separated many times only to succumb to codependency, believe all the lines and promises, and take him back.
I am getting divorced on Wednesday. He moved out two days ago, in with his newest girlfriend. I asked for and so far have had no contact. I so want to feel the "weight lifted off my shoulders" like some of you have. I dont feel that way today, and I am angry with myself for (once again) feeling like I am falling apart.
I've done it all, Alanon, counselors, start new interests, concentrate on career, etc. Seeing a counselor tomorrow. I pray constantly, and ask God to take my pain on a daily basis.
I want a life. I dont know what that means at the moment as Ive spent 25 years with 2 AH's. I dont want to be tortured with this pain, depression, anxiety and self pitty any longer. I need to move on.
Thank you to those who have shared their stories over the years that I have been "read only". Those of you who have come out the other side have been an inspiration to me, and one of the many voices telling me to get out, that life is so much better. I pray that better life starts soon, because I cant take much more of this.
Thanks again
I'm like many of you, 19 years with AH. Same pain and anquish: alcohol, drugs, verbal and psychological abuse, girls. Separated many times only to succumb to codependency, believe all the lines and promises, and take him back.
I am getting divorced on Wednesday. He moved out two days ago, in with his newest girlfriend. I asked for and so far have had no contact. I so want to feel the "weight lifted off my shoulders" like some of you have. I dont feel that way today, and I am angry with myself for (once again) feeling like I am falling apart.
I've done it all, Alanon, counselors, start new interests, concentrate on career, etc. Seeing a counselor tomorrow. I pray constantly, and ask God to take my pain on a daily basis.
I want a life. I dont know what that means at the moment as Ive spent 25 years with 2 AH's. I dont want to be tortured with this pain, depression, anxiety and self pitty any longer. I need to move on.
Thank you to those who have shared their stories over the years that I have been "read only". Those of you who have come out the other side have been an inspiration to me, and one of the many voices telling me to get out, that life is so much better. I pray that better life starts soon, because I cant take much more of this.
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... We are very glad that you decided to join us.
Im sorry for the pain your feeling and really do understand how your feeling.... Im sure you know that many here will understand.
How much Al-anon have you had? and what type of a councelor are you seeing.... I ask this because It seems you are in a cycle of the pain and not moving through it.
One thing that caught my eye is that you constantly ask God to take the pain away. One thing I have found true for me is that he did not give me this experience in my life to just lift the results from me.... Instead what I have found is that I use the pain, depression, anxiety and all the rest to relate to others that are also going through this.... I try to help others heal and the only way that I could do that is if I too went through it...... I know it sounds strange but perhaps there is a reason you are going through this and instead of a curse it is really a blessing to others..... The people you will help.... One day and even maybe today you will also be an inspiration to others.... Heck you already are.... others that have not posted and only read are probably inspired by the courage you have to post.
I look forward to getting to know you better .... You are well on your way to having that live you are looking for.
Im sorry for the pain your feeling and really do understand how your feeling.... Im sure you know that many here will understand.
How much Al-anon have you had? and what type of a councelor are you seeing.... I ask this because It seems you are in a cycle of the pain and not moving through it.
One thing that caught my eye is that you constantly ask God to take the pain away. One thing I have found true for me is that he did not give me this experience in my life to just lift the results from me.... Instead what I have found is that I use the pain, depression, anxiety and all the rest to relate to others that are also going through this.... I try to help others heal and the only way that I could do that is if I too went through it...... I know it sounds strange but perhaps there is a reason you are going through this and instead of a curse it is really a blessing to others..... The people you will help.... One day and even maybe today you will also be an inspiration to others.... Heck you already are.... others that have not posted and only read are probably inspired by the courage you have to post.
I look forward to getting to know you better .... You are well on your way to having that live you are looking for.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I'm sorry that it was a painful experience that has brought you to us at SR, but grateful to have you here. Welcome.
I believe that sometimes we can seek recovery and not "get it". Somewhere in our hearts and minds, perhaps we just aren't ready. At least that is what I found for myself. But when the time came that I was really ready, I found that my recovery started. Sure, I had some slips, stumbles, and really big falls along the way before I got a steady running going - but it does happen. I guess that I wanted a quicker fix without having to go through the crap to get there. Perhaps that has been the case for you as well and you just weren't really ready to "get it"?
Going to counseling again is a good start. Perhaps you know the drill, but haven't quite been working the steps and recovery journey. Are you attending Alanon again?
It's a process Alexia. I hoe you will stick around and share your journey with us. You'll find a lot of support here.
I believe that sometimes we can seek recovery and not "get it". Somewhere in our hearts and minds, perhaps we just aren't ready. At least that is what I found for myself. But when the time came that I was really ready, I found that my recovery started. Sure, I had some slips, stumbles, and really big falls along the way before I got a steady running going - but it does happen. I guess that I wanted a quicker fix without having to go through the crap to get there. Perhaps that has been the case for you as well and you just weren't really ready to "get it"?
Going to counseling again is a good start. Perhaps you know the drill, but haven't quite been working the steps and recovery journey. Are you attending Alanon again?
It's a process Alexia. I hoe you will stick around and share your journey with us. You'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((Alexia ))) Welcome! I am so glad you decided to come out of "the shadows" and post! Maybe that will be the next step to your own healing. I know it has made a big difference for me. Reading alone was helpful, but posting has really been valuable for me and is hepling me come more to terms with my own feelings,fears,etc. I hope you will find the same to be true for you.
I understand how you are feeling....glad you are here and I look forward to getting to know you.
I understand how you are feeling....glad you are here and I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome,
Alexia,although another hurt me badly,i had to let go of the hurt and focus on my own recovery.leave to God,my pain.,and who at the time was hurtful towards me.Hand it over to God.
It was working through steps 1-5,6-9,that i finally felt the world come off my shoulders.All my own pain,depression,and anxiety,left me.Owning up to my part in the stuff.And making ammends,no matter what,others have done to me..Learning forgivenss,through the Grace of God,i became free,to move onwards,spiritually,mentally,inside.Today my past is a tool that is used to be helpful to others.There is a time--a time to be helped,and a time to help others.I took the time,i needed to be helped.,and still do today.
My prayers arew with you,thanks for letting me share,whats working in my life,
God Bless.
Alexia,although another hurt me badly,i had to let go of the hurt and focus on my own recovery.leave to God,my pain.,and who at the time was hurtful towards me.Hand it over to God.
It was working through steps 1-5,6-9,that i finally felt the world come off my shoulders.All my own pain,depression,and anxiety,left me.Owning up to my part in the stuff.And making ammends,no matter what,others have done to me..Learning forgivenss,through the Grace of God,i became free,to move onwards,spiritually,mentally,inside.Today my past is a tool that is used to be helpful to others.There is a time--a time to be helped,and a time to help others.I took the time,i needed to be helped.,and still do today.
My prayers arew with you,thanks for letting me share,whats working in my life,
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Welcome! I think even when we do everything we can, we can't escape the bad days and the pain. A whole new world is about to open up to you. No eggshells, no coming back and then leaving again, no restraints on your life, the smallest normal things will seem like such blessings. It is a transition. We resist change because it usually requires some compromise on our part. this change will be different. It's all good. There are low days but it doesn't have much to do with them really. It may seem like it. You don't want him back. You are about to start having a blast. A divorce is certainly more than just a piece of paper but it is a tangible thing to signify the whole new life that lies ahead for you. I think as long as you expect the low days, you get through them just fine. Hopefully, your life will start filling up with all kinds of friends and fun.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Welcome! This is a great site to visit and get support. There are caring people here who will listen and care, and as Cynay said experience it so to help another. There is light at the end of this tunnel, and you'll find it, along with a sense of relief you didn't believe would be there! We even appreciate such simple things that "use" to be a troubled area. You will get there, but first there is pain, loss, and huge disappointments, all to be expected when you end a relationship, especially that long. But, it passes. You are smart, I think, to ask for no-contact....I believe it has helped me stay stronger in my commitment.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
(((Alexia))) Welcome. I am sorry for all of your pain. My first therapist did nothing for me, my current one is great !!! Please don't give up trying to get outside help. I have found that once I removed my self from the situation, I have been able to better deal with myself. Please continue posting !!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Thanks everyone
Your response was just what I expected and needed. As I said, I've been reading for two years here. I saw a counselor today and it was helpful. I am not allowed to say "I should".
I know when he finally gets his things out of my house I'll feel a little bit better. Right now I get the friends calling me to come pick up this or that. He thinks that's honoring my no contact request, but it really just tips me off to what he's up to, like going on an overnight trip with his girlfriend. Those things still hurt. There will be no more of that, I left a note with what is leaving today giving a span of dates for his things to be removed, whether he has to put them in storage or not. Trying to set boundaries so I dont get hurt anymore than I am.
Thanks again everyone, you are all very much appreciated.
Alexia
I know when he finally gets his things out of my house I'll feel a little bit better. Right now I get the friends calling me to come pick up this or that. He thinks that's honoring my no contact request, but it really just tips me off to what he's up to, like going on an overnight trip with his girlfriend. Those things still hurt. There will be no more of that, I left a note with what is leaving today giving a span of dates for his things to be removed, whether he has to put them in storage or not. Trying to set boundaries so I dont get hurt anymore than I am.
Thanks again everyone, you are all very much appreciated.
Alexia
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Alexia, I don't really "get it" yet either. You're absolutely not alone in that. I envy- sometimes outright resent- those who are all filled with their serenity and with their burdens having been lifted. I don't understand that right now. But like everyone said, it is a process. Unfortunately the process requires that we go through, there's no getting around. I dunno how long the process will take for me either so I just keep checking myself and make sure all of my actions are in my best interest. Which is exactly what it sounds like you're doing as well. So give yourself credit for that, and don't burden yourself with not making the right amount of progress in the right amount of time. There's no timeline. We're all just doing our best. (HUGS)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
There are no rules or timelines for healing.... so dont compare yourself to anyone else. You have been through alot and it hurts, if you try to do anything but walk through the pain at your pace you will end up dealing with the issues longer.
There are however things you can do to help the process... that is the education, support and counceling .... I think they are all very important to your growth and healing. I would not be any where near as peaceful today had I not sought the support and help of others. My sponsor was a huge support when I first broke down and realized I could not do it all alone... Understanding the disease by reading and going to AA meetings gave me some amazing insight and led to compassion... counceling allowed me to focus only on myself in great depth ... when it all came together I found senerity and what is more amazing is that when my last relationship ended..... I had the tools and today I can let go and the pain does not last as long, I dont loose my self image as easily and can deal with the ups and downs of life.
It will come... sounds like you are doing good hon... just keep one foot in front of the other.
There are however things you can do to help the process... that is the education, support and counceling .... I think they are all very important to your growth and healing. I would not be any where near as peaceful today had I not sought the support and help of others. My sponsor was a huge support when I first broke down and realized I could not do it all alone... Understanding the disease by reading and going to AA meetings gave me some amazing insight and led to compassion... counceling allowed me to focus only on myself in great depth ... when it all came together I found senerity and what is more amazing is that when my last relationship ended..... I had the tools and today I can let go and the pain does not last as long, I dont loose my self image as easily and can deal with the ups and downs of life.
It will come... sounds like you are doing good hon... just keep one foot in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I hear a lot here that is right where I am too. I understand the stages of grief will take me through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance then hope. I have been stuck on the down slope and and sounds like some of you are too. I want so desperately to not be divorced to not give up on the hope that someday the person I love and planned to be with forever might not ever get well, so when I hit depression instead of moving on to acceptance and finally hope I jump back to denial and bargaining....if I just try harder....if I...if I....
I know I need to move to acceptance to ever move past the daily pain. Now that you are actually taking steps to set the boundries and getting the divorce you can move through too. I admire your strength. I believe you are closer now than you have been in a long time to happiness.
I know I need to move to acceptance to ever move past the daily pain. Now that you are actually taking steps to set the boundries and getting the divorce you can move through too. I admire your strength. I believe you are closer now than you have been in a long time to happiness.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Alexia))
Welcome to SR, - wanted to say HI - you have a beautiful name - it's also one of my granddaughters' names - I think it is a lovely name!!
Recovery is a journey filled with bumps, bruises, pit stops, pot holes, rainbows, pots of gold, rest stops, gardens of joy, beds of roses and all of the others in between. Some of us are able to maintain a sense of balance and serenity the majority of the time, but I know for me personally I don't have it 24/7. I still have moments of fear, worry, panic and despair. These are the times that I am grateful for my recovery tools to help me regain the peace and serenity that I need to continue my path of recovery.
I'm sure that as you walk your path to recovery, you will develop your own set of tools.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
Welcome to SR, - wanted to say HI - you have a beautiful name - it's also one of my granddaughters' names - I think it is a lovely name!!
Recovery is a journey filled with bumps, bruises, pit stops, pot holes, rainbows, pots of gold, rest stops, gardens of joy, beds of roses and all of the others in between. Some of us are able to maintain a sense of balance and serenity the majority of the time, but I know for me personally I don't have it 24/7. I still have moments of fear, worry, panic and despair. These are the times that I am grateful for my recovery tools to help me regain the peace and serenity that I need to continue my path of recovery.
I'm sure that as you walk your path to recovery, you will develop your own set of tools.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Thanks
Thanks again everyone. I think that final "acceptance" is the hardest thing for me as well. I am grieving the "death of hope" that I read on a sticky. Need to get past that and ignore the antics of my AH, how he's all over town showing off his new girl. That stuff still hurts, and it's the hardest for me to deal with, especially in a small town where everyone is dying to give me the daily report card. It's hard to go out of the house and push myself forward without someone telling me things because they think it will help me.
If I could sell my house and relocate without loosing my shirt I would, but that would be running away. Sure would be easier than running into him/them as I know I will. See? I'm whining, its so easy to get sucked into it. Got to get out of this!
If I could sell my house and relocate without loosing my shirt I would, but that would be running away. Sure would be easier than running into him/them as I know I will. See? I'm whining, its so easy to get sucked into it. Got to get out of this!
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