Weary to the bone
Hello, all. I'm completely new to this thing. I don't even really know what Al-Anon is, except that it's the support side for the spouses/family members of alcoholics. He hasn't even really admitted it outloud that he's an addict.
My question is this: at what point can you say that enough is enough? When does the cost outweigh the reward? I know I can't save him; know I can't make him feel/think/do anything (can you tell I've had just enough therapy to get into trouble?) and am still struggling. I am weary of the fight and so want to quit but, at the same time, remember the great love for this man that I married. I wonder if it is possible to get that back. Were it not for our 11-month old daughter, I could very easily wash my hands of the entire headache and be done with it.
I have been a Christian most of my life and I have always believed in the power of prayer - I've seen it. This feels like God has turned His back on me. For two years now I have been reading, studying, searching, praying, begging and pleading for God to help/change/heal/love/soften/strengthen/protect... All to, seemingly, no avail. I feel abandoned. It doesn't feel like He's even listening.
Sometimes I feel so full of anger at my husband - I don't care if he ever comes home or not. THen, I am shocked at how far we've come from where we began and I am overwhelmed by sadness. I know this drinking comes from within him and has really nothing to do with me. He is carrying enough emotional baggage to put Samsonite out of business. I know this and yet I cannot stop rationalizing his behavior, internalizing the problem until I turn it into my fault, trying to overcorrect MY behavior to somehow appease him.
I know this is probably just rambling and doesn't make sense, but I'm (like the title says) weary to the bone.
Does this make any sense? What do I do now?
THanks for reading,