When I attended NA meetings with him before, they referenced his addiction to a particular drug as "drug of choice". That is why I call it that. You make it sound like that is the wrong way to talk about it. His drug addiction happens to be with crack cocaine. That's all he uses, he doesn't drink and doesn't do other drugs. That is his drug of choice. I have always heard it referenced as that in any meeting I have been in with him. Is that not the right way to talk about it?
I am getting the feeling from the this thread that it is better in most people's opinion to just walk away and cut my losses and move on. Not just in my situation, but in this situation in general. Did all of you walk away the first time? I have a hard time excepting that he doesn't deserve a chance to get better and help himself. I have a hard time excepting that I should wish him well with recovery and hope like hell he gets better, then tell him have a nice life and disappear.
I know he messed up. I know I deserve better than to be treated this way forever. I know my family deserves better. I know he should respect himself more and want this for himself and no matter what I do he is a grown man and is going to make his own decesions. I know I can't keep him locked up forever. I know that once a user probably always a user. I know that if I let him come back anytime soon that I am dancing with the devil. I also know that he wants to be a better person. I know that he doesn't want this addiction. I know he is the only one who can fix it and not me, not his mom, not his sister, not my dad, not my brother. No one but him and him alone with his higher power and whatever resources he chooses. I know that I am asking questions that have no answers to them, that only I can decide for myself. But I just can't accept that he used twice in one year and therefore, I should call it totally over and done with in a relationship that has been so good for me other than his 2 times of using and the money issue that it caused. I know that I started living with him too soon, I realized that without the whole addiction part added in. I wish that had been done differently, but over a year later, that is not the way it happened and I can't change that. All I can change at this point is what I decide from here on out. And I just have a hard time thinking about not supporting him. The hard part is trying to figure out the best way to support him so that I am not enabling him and allowing him to make excuses for himself.
I even asked him if he wanted to stay with me tonight because we already had plans tonight before all this happened with other people. He knows that if he comes back, he is making it easy for himself. And he doesnt' want it to me something swept under the rug this time. Yes, part of me says, good one, good job trying to make it seem like you are working hard. But the other part of me believes him. I know he is miserable at his mom's but he would rather stay there than jeopardize this happening again. He knows that the hard part is coming up in the next few weeks fighting off that urge.
It's just all so confusing and I it's hard and it's heartbreaking and it's lonely. But you all already know all this. So I guess I am just venting. Thank you all for you reply's. I need reality checks right now.