looking for help to help fiance

Old 10-22-2006, 05:30 PM
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looking for help to help fiance

Hey all! I am going to try to make this short and to the point, but I tend to get longwinded so thank you in advance for reading and responding.

I met my fiance about 13 months ago and we have lived together for the last 12 months. When we met he was completly honest about having a drug addiction and told me about going to rehab, which he completed, and then to the half way house, etc. He told me that he had been clean for so long, I can't remember now how long that was. 4 months after we started living together, we went to a friend's house and all of the sudden, his drug of choice was out on the table right in front of him. I would have never expected this to happen at this friend's house or I never would have put him in that postion. The next night, we watched Intervention and again, it was aout his DOC. He never asked me to change the channel and we even talked about some things. But the next day, he disappeared for almost 24 hours in my dad's truck with my debit card. When he finally came back he has overdrawn the back account by almos $1000.

Part of me wanted to make him leave then, but I love him very much. He and I had totally different up-bringings. I thought that with the resources and I could provide and with the support he would receive from my large family that together we could beat his problem. We started going to meetings together and things got better.

Now, all this time later, he has done it again. He disappeared last weekend in the car with the debit card. By now, the debit card is our debit card since we have lived together for so long. Money is not something that was seperated. This time he overdrew the checking account by about $600. I immediatly asked him to leave when he showed back up. He called his mother, packed his stuff and left. At that time, I did not know if I would ever speak to him again. But he called that night and for some reason, I wasn't angry at him. I was hurt that he could let it happen after all we have going for us.

My family is very active in my life and I am my daddy's little girl. Although I am 30 years old he has never let me go without anything. After an ugle divorce about 5 years ago, I lived in an apartment until rent got higher than a house payment would be. I am a school teacher, so needless to say, we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. He pays an outrageous amount of child support each month, too. In Feb of this year, my dad helped us buy the house we are living in. When things like this happen, my dad can't let me work it out. He feels the need to step in and take care of things, mostly by making up for the money part of it. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be able to drive myself to work because of lack of gas nor would I be able to eat. So I am very thankful for it and for my family, but then it makes it hard to make my own decesion. Of course, my family doesn't want me to get hurt again. They have never dealt with anything like this before and they think that if he can do it twice to me that it is going to happen like this forever. That is part of my confusion.

Here is the rest of my confusion. He tells me that his DOC is very overpowering and that once he does it, he can tell himself he'll find a way to make it better and replace the money. That once he does it, it doesn't allow him to think about the consequences. He knew that if this happened again, he would have to leave. As a school teacher in a small town where everybody know everything, I can't run the risk of ruining my career over his problem. But then again, I care about him and feel so bad turning my back on him. But then again, he knew what was going to happen and he never stopped one time last Saturday night to think about me or us, he only thought about getting high. I don't understand that. I don't understand how after all the talks we had and all the resources we had put in place together, and had used before and know they work, why he would just forget about it and make the decesion to get high.

I guess these are my questions from other family members or other addicts: At what point do you decide that someone has had all the chances they can have with this? At what point is enough really enough? How long should he stay gone from here, even though we are talking and have seen each other once in a neutral place, before I let him come back? Should I even let him come back at all? He is going to meetings now and his mom has him on a tight rope. The last thing that I want to do is enable him and make it easy for him. I want him to see the results of his actions instead of me always making it ok. But at the end of the day, I still love him and I still want him in my life because the man I fell in love with is as sweet and kind as any man I will ever met. He has made me so happy this last year. If I do let him come back, I am running the risk of making my family very disappointed in me. I can't help but wonder if this is all worth it and does it ever get better.

Thank you for reading this long post. Thank you in advance for your replies. I want real life advice, no matter how it might sound.
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Old 10-22-2006, 06:33 PM
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Welcome. You will get quite a few responses I'm sure, but you may not like the responses you get. Your father is an enabler. I am sure he truly believes he is being a loving father by helping you out financially. I am sure you are grateful for his generosity. But it's enabling. You're right that schoolteachers are underpaid. (I know that from having worked for the president of a teachers' union.) However, there are schoolteachers who can live on their salaries. Although some areas of the country pay less than others, there is a high demand for teachers, so they can move to areas where the pay is better if they so desire.

So your father is an enabler and appears to have passed that trait onto you. It sounds like your family as a whole is trying to give the addict in your life plenty of love in the hopes that he will respond positively. I does not work that way.

Addicts do not consider other people in the equation when it comes to their addiction. They, and they alone, own their addiction. And as far as I know, nobody has ever been born who can control an addict or any other person.

You can continue to try to rehabilitate him and make him see the error of his ways, but I'll guarantee you this: if he wants to pick up, he will. And you and your family will not factor into that one simple equation. He has to want to beat the addiction all by himself. Sure, you can be supportive and loving, but you need to detach. He is messing with your money; money you claim is in short supply unless your father helps out. Maybe it is time for everyone to step back and let the addict find his way back to recovery.
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Old 10-22-2006, 06:56 PM
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Thank you for your reply. I am here for honesty because I don't want my life ruined over something he chooses not to help himself over. I feel so bad that he is staying at his mother's house because he and his step father do not get along. He pretty much just sits in his room all day to stay out of the way like an abused child. But then agian, I have think that he knew at some point what the consequences were going to be. And he's living that now. I just want to make sure that I am #1-not being too hard on him or unfair because I do not know about this drug (crack cocaine) #2-not being an enabler by sticking around to the point that I am much less deciding to let him come back and #3-make sure that this is something that can be beat if he chooses to do so. I don't know what the odds are for recovering from crack cocaine use. Like I said, this is a whole new world to me.

I acknowledge that my parents are enablers. They have been enablers for me in many ways through my life. But in the end, they are so loving and supportive. There are times that I do want to tell them they can offer advice but to actually step in a physically contribute to me needs to stop. Then there are other times like right now, when I wouldn't have a dime to my name if they didn't. I don't know where the line is with that. They haven't always been that way. After my divorce, I ran up lots of credit card debt trying to maintain the same lifestyle I had while married. In the end, I had to file bankruptcy and ever since then, my dad has been involved in my personal finances. I am grateful for that because if it hadn't have been for his advice through the past couple of years, I would be worse off than I am now. But I agree, sometimes it's too much.

Thank you for your honest reply. I need that.
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Old 10-22-2006, 06:59 PM
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Welcome to SR, bamagirl

Well, I'm with prodigal, I'm not sure you're going to like my answers, either. But you did ask for real life

I met my fiance about 13 months ago and we have lived together for the last 12 months.
I fell for AH fast, too. We didn't live together or get married for quite a while, but an addict is very good at zoning in on an enabler.

I would have never expected this to happen at this friend's house or I never would have put him in that postion.
No one makes a user use by putting them in a position. I'm not that powerful. None of us is. I would suspect this was not the first time he used since meeting you.

When he finally came back he has overdrawn the back account by almos $1000.
Time to separate the money. You are not even married yet, so you'd have no legal recourse when all is gone. $1000 today can turn into tens of thousands 15 years from now. Trust me, I'm living it.

Now, all this time later, he has done it again. He disappeared last weekend in the car with the debit card. By now, the debit card is our debit card since we have lived together for so long. Money is not something that was seperated. This time he overdrew the checking account by about $600.
See comment above

But he called that night and for some reason, I wasn't angry at him. I was hurt that he could let it happen after all we have going for us.
Oh boy, was that me for a long time, too. AH loved it, someone who "understod" him. Didn't get angry, was sympathetic to his problems, his terrible childhood, his "lesser" family than mine.

I am a school teacher, so needless to say, we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck.
I know many teachers who manage to do just fine on their pay (my sister is one of them - owns her own home, etc.) Talking to a credit counselor might help in setting up a budget. There are free services out there.

He pays an outrageous amount of child support each month, too.
Why is it outrageous? Think about this: if you marry this man, have children together and then get divorced, what would you think was outrageous? It's easy to take on the addict's battles with them. The court obviously thought it was a reasonable sum.

But then again, he knew what was going to happen and he never stopped one time last Saturday night to think about me or us, he only thought about getting high. I don't understand that.
It's what addicts do, get high. Nothing else comes first, nothing.

I guess these are my questions from other family members or other addicts: At what point do you decide that someone has had all the chances they can have with this?
Only you can decide when enough is enough. Try to imagine your life the same 10, 15, years from now and ask yourself if that is acceptable. I was with AH 18 years. It only got worse. Addiction is progressive.

If you want to stay with him, I would highly recommend some help for you - Al-Anon, individual therapy, etc. It is a challenge, to say the least, to spend life with an addict, and getting all the support you can will help.

Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 10-22-2006, 06:59 PM
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Hi,
I agree with what has already been said. I suggest that you find an Alanon or Naranon meeting and the sooner the better. You can get some phone numbers from members there and gain support from people who understand addiction and codependency.
Many well intentioned people will give advice, but in the programs mentioned there are tried and true ways for a person to learn how to live successfully with an addict in or out of their life.
You can't control him. The only control you do have is what YOU decide to do for yourself.
Once you have learned a bit, you will be more able to decide the best course of action for yourself.
I'm so glad you found us here at SR. Please keep coming back because there are many here on this forum who have alot of experience with exactly what you are facing.
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Old 10-22-2006, 07:38 PM
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Again, thank you all for your responses. I am not offended, I need this. I teach special education and I have had this same problem with my students and their families. I had to receive counseling my first year teaching, as it was a poverished area and I couldn't stand the lives some of these children had to live. I had to learn that I couldn't single handily save the world. I know this about myself upfront, so that part is not news to me. I have always attracted people that need some sort of "care".

The only thing about attend meetings myself is that I live in a really really small town. We do not have any AA or NA meetings in this area, much less support for families. The only meeting in are area, which is still not in my town, is not an affiliate of AA or NA. It is a faith based program for all addictions and we did attend those meetings regulary for about 4 months together. I then started going to school working towards my Master's at night and couldn't go anymore, although he did go without. The group became some what of a soap opera due to other members in the group. We did focus on the 12 steps, but the 12 steps as they related to the Bible, not the "real" 12 step books. There were no sponsers, although there were phone numbers given out. There was just no real 12 step work going on.

We did drive to the closest NA meeting several times, about an hour away. But the drive for that was no feesable. So are there other options since this is a resource that is not available to me. He is going to "Celebrate Recovery" at a church close to where he is staying with his mom. She even goes with him. He was going there before we met.
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Old 10-22-2006, 07:51 PM
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bamagirl, i say this with utmost love: take the "we" out of the recovery right now. do it for you.

add: I'm sorry, I didn't address your question. I'm not sure where you are, but you can try calling the local number for Al-Anon in your state and tell them your situation. You can also contact the nearest hospital and ask if there are any support groups.

I have been in tiny places all over the world and can find help. It might take a little work on your part, but it's out there. Also, how about individual counseling with a therapist?

Last edited by denny57; 10-22-2006 at 08:35 PM.
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Old 10-22-2006, 08:06 PM
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Exactly as denny has stated it...

... and denny is someone who really KNOWS. Get the "we" thing out of it. We all have to deal with our own issues and clean up our own messes. Period. I fully agree with financial counseling. I believe you could learn to live on your earnings. Maybe not a grand or luxurious lifestyle, but as long as you have a roof over your head and food on the table, that should do. (Been there, done that and must say I survived it!)
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Old 10-22-2006, 10:33 PM
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The financial situation is not as bad as I apparently made it sound. I guess my intentions of even bringing that up was to add the dynamic of why my family feels like they can tell me what to do, even though I am 30 years old. I figured people might have something to say about my parents being so "into'" all aspects of my adult life. However, when the checking account got drained both times, my father was there to fix that problem. He is a senior CPA in an acconting firm, and that is why he is so involved in my finances. He's my own personal financial advisor when it comes to having me on a budget. But he does not just give me and endless supply of money no matter what. I am held accountable for what is spent.
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Old 10-23-2006, 12:32 AM
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"my family feels like they can tell me what to do"

Ahhh, now I see ... you CAN make it on your own but you continue to play a role in this play that allows them to enable you. Sorry. I tend to get blunt at a certain point when I start hearing too many reasons why a dysfunctional system remains in place. Yes, it is a dynamic and you are fueling that very dynamic. Has the idea of saying "no thank you" been something you have considered? You can find someone else other than your father to be your financial advisor. Hire another accountant. I believe you mentioned in your initial post here that you have always been your dad's little princess.

Sorry, princess, it is time to abdicate the throne ...
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Old 10-23-2006, 12:35 AM
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Oh, and one more thing...

....each time your addict boyfriend drained your account, your dad was there to fix it. If nothing else, would you please take a moment to stand back, try as hard as you can to detach and imagine someone else posted this, and then have an opinion. Drug addict boyfriend takes off with all the money to keep his habit going, you are now out of funds, and your dad rushes in to fix what you allowed an addict to do. Lordy, help us all!
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Old 10-23-2006, 03:45 AM
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The posts here are so long, I havent been able to read each one, so not sure....has anyone mentioned......

Al-anon?
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Old 10-23-2006, 05:00 AM
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Unfortunately, no one can tell you how many chances to give him. No one can get him help, but him. And it is hard to say if he will ever remain sober for a life long commitment. It is possible, but it is a lot of work and there will be mistakes.

Are you willing to spend your life in this cycle? Because this may be it and it may get worse.

I agree that you should keep your money/finances separate. There is absolutely no reason you should allow him to drag you down and make your family pay for his addiction. That is enabling. Twice, he has given you reason to not trust him when it comes to money.

There is a difference between love and support, and enabling. You need to learn that difference. You also need to know that you cannot fix him, you can only fix yourself.
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Old 10-23-2006, 10:15 AM
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Welcome to SR.... Im very glad you found us especially since there is little support in your town. I think it might take some digging but when your ready you will find what you need. See you already found us.

Please understand a little of the dynamics here in friends and family. You are not alone, we have ALL been there in some form or another and also to some depth or another. We all have probably said most of the words you are typing now ... Its scarry sometimes how much alike our stories can be. Also remember that our personality range from passive to agressive at times... and that also changes with our personal growth.... But one thing you will find here is there is nothing that is said here that is not based in truth and love... Many of us are here just for you, and others new to this.... To share our encouragement, strength and hope.... to give to you what has soooo freely been given to us.

With that said there are some fundumentals to help you. 1. Read the stickies at the top... some really good information there. 2. remember the 3 C's ... You did not cause the disease, you can not control the disease and you can not cure the disease. 3. Finally and probably the most important..... Take what you want and leave the rest. This one was a life savor for me because I tend to be hyper sensitive to others opinions of me.

OK.... For me what is true is this line that you said right here..... the basis of my most of my problems.

I had to learn that I couldn't single handily save the world. I know this about myself upfront, so that part is not news to me. I have always attracted people that need some sort of "care".
Yep that is me.... and that is what had to change. God gave me opportunity to correct this problem, over and over and over and over.... All my life has been a series of learning this lesson. SO ... maybe you could take a moment and look at the bigger picture. Is there a lesson you have to learn? Put the focus back on you, why are you accepting unacceptable behavior? I can understand being naive and not understanding this situation ... but this has happened twice. As far is your addict is concerned what difference does it make, he can do what he needs to and get away with it .... cuz you are not doing anything different. You are not angry and are still seeking ways to help him out and feeling sorry for him and have your complete focus on him.

I guess what Im trying to say is that I made a career out of understanding them, of understanding there addictions, educating myself about them, figuring out if I could adjust to them..... Im really good at it now...... The problem with that is ... Its not about them, he was with me because I had a problem I had not worked through and because of this problem (people pleaser, enabling, low self esteem, no confidence, low self worth) I would only attract people that needed my special sickness to continue them. What I did not do for 22 years is look at the root cause. ME.

I so look forward to getting to know you.... sounds like your on your way to a wonderful journey. The good new is as you get healthy so will the people you choose to have around you....Im SO amazed at the difference between the people I attract today compared to the people I attracted just 2 years ago.
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Old 10-23-2006, 06:58 PM
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Cynay- I find more hope here everytime someone posts something to me, or by reading responses to other's post. As I was reading your message, I began to think to myself "what if God did this for that very reason, for me to learn that lesson". The thought crossed my mind before you could say it. I am a big believer in fate and that things happen for a reason. I just know that i am really good an enabling in many aspects, not just this addiction. It's just that this is so serious and i don't want his problems to be worse or whatever, because I refuse to stop enabling. I am so worried about being the enabler in this situation. Most of these posts have answered my questions in one way or another. Strange huh? But even indirectly, I am finding some hope and answers. I am a very spiritual and routine oriented person. I think I would do good having my own support.

We continue to talk and see each other for a very limited amount of time every other day or so. I want him to come home, but I really believe, by the things that I say, he knows it's best if he doesn't come home right now. Right now, he really wants to get better so we don't have to go through this again. He is telling me more now than he ever has before. Just a little bit ago, I learned that sometimes when he would leave to go to the store, he would drive through "that neighborhood." And everyday the urge got worse and worse until it happened. I had suspected use before this second time, and I now I believe he has used more than twcie in the past year. He just didn't use my money to do, or his. So I don't know where you got his money from, I am pretty sure he has used more than twice in the past year.

He told me that he is always so headstrong the first week or so and doesn't want to use again. But after a few does that determination wears off and the urges come back and back real strong and he fights them all he can, until he ends up getting high. I never knew that it was this hard for him. He never told me he rode through "that neighborhood". He never told me at any point in the last couple of months he was having urges. The last time he talked to me about urges was probably June. We had a talk and since then, he hasn't mentioned it and I haven't been given a reason to think he was using. He also had other poeple he could call, not just me. The choice was not to call me or get high, which I think sometimes I make it sound like.

I hope I continue to learn, not only from him, but from here as well. We have talked about somethings that might help him when and if he gets to come back. I am going to school at night working on my master's degree and teach during the day. There are lots of night that we don't even see each other because I don't get home until after he has already gone to bed. The wears on him I know.

But in the end, I am starting to see that the only person who can rationalize things for him is HIM. So that is where we are leaving it for. He will stay at his mom's and I will stay at home. We will continue to talk and see each other. He will continue going to meetings. And if a few months, we will see how everything is going and discuss coming home when the time is right, if the time is ever right. In the meantime, I will be here for help and support, and maybe eventually I might have some support to give. thanks again! This place is wonderful!
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Old 10-23-2006, 07:03 PM
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BTW, I never called other specific names, but that lost post was in response to the last few posts to me.

kywoman- You are right about making my whole family pay for his drug addiction. They don't deserve that. I know that. I tell myself that everytime I think about this. My mom and dad tell me this everytime we talk about it. But knowing and applying are 2 different things. I am working on that though. I do want to learn the difference between love and support and enabling. I want advice on that now, since it is going to take me a few days to locate some meetings to get to myself and work it around my college schedule as classes are at night. If you have any quick advice on that topic, feel free to continue to share.

prodigal-AGain, you sound like my good ole level head, straight shootin dad when you "lecture" like that. In so many not so nice words, he has said the exact same thing to me. I did feel a little like "well stupid me" after reading your last two responses. But the piont is very well taken and I am thankful for the honesty.
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Old 10-23-2006, 09:09 PM
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Goodness, gracious, where to start...

You ask when should you break it off with him--how about after he stole the first thousand from you?

You ask when you should let him come back--how about never?

This man has stolen from you twice, he's lied to you repeatedly, and he's an active drug addict. Why in the world would you even consider letting him back into your life? Why in the world would you move in with a man who you knew was an active addict in the first place? And why in the world would you move in with a complete stranger? You can't possibly know someone after one month.

These are the questions I'd be asking myself if these were choices I'd made and the predicament I'd gotten myself into. You'll find the answers on this forum, with therapy, and in the rooms of Alanon.

I hope you find the answers you seek soon before you suffer any more heartache.
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Old 10-23-2006, 09:39 PM
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You use the term "drug of choice," which I find interesting. Is your fiance an alcoholic, a drug addict or possibly both? Whatever his problem is, it is probably the drug where he has no choice. But that is neither here nor there in regards to your question. Pay close attention to what FormerDoormat said. The question is not so much as whether you should get help for him, but for yourself. You can be honest with yourself now and save yourself a lot of grief. He's going to do what he's got to do and there is nothing you can do about it. In fact, the more you involve yourself in his problem, the more you will eventually become bitter, full of self-pity and self-loathing and remorse and all the rest of the evil brood that comes with watching someone slowly die. Cut the string now. It might hurt right now, but you'll be better off and so will he.
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Old 10-24-2006, 08:46 AM
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When I attended NA meetings with him before, they referenced his addiction to a particular drug as "drug of choice". That is why I call it that. You make it sound like that is the wrong way to talk about it. His drug addiction happens to be with crack cocaine. That's all he uses, he doesn't drink and doesn't do other drugs. That is his drug of choice. I have always heard it referenced as that in any meeting I have been in with him. Is that not the right way to talk about it?

I am getting the feeling from the this thread that it is better in most people's opinion to just walk away and cut my losses and move on. Not just in my situation, but in this situation in general. Did all of you walk away the first time? I have a hard time excepting that he doesn't deserve a chance to get better and help himself. I have a hard time excepting that I should wish him well with recovery and hope like hell he gets better, then tell him have a nice life and disappear.

I know he messed up. I know I deserve better than to be treated this way forever. I know my family deserves better. I know he should respect himself more and want this for himself and no matter what I do he is a grown man and is going to make his own decesions. I know I can't keep him locked up forever. I know that once a user probably always a user. I know that if I let him come back anytime soon that I am dancing with the devil. I also know that he wants to be a better person. I know that he doesn't want this addiction. I know he is the only one who can fix it and not me, not his mom, not his sister, not my dad, not my brother. No one but him and him alone with his higher power and whatever resources he chooses. I know that I am asking questions that have no answers to them, that only I can decide for myself. But I just can't accept that he used twice in one year and therefore, I should call it totally over and done with in a relationship that has been so good for me other than his 2 times of using and the money issue that it caused. I know that I started living with him too soon, I realized that without the whole addiction part added in. I wish that had been done differently, but over a year later, that is not the way it happened and I can't change that. All I can change at this point is what I decide from here on out. And I just have a hard time thinking about not supporting him. The hard part is trying to figure out the best way to support him so that I am not enabling him and allowing him to make excuses for himself.

I even asked him if he wanted to stay with me tonight because we already had plans tonight before all this happened with other people. He knows that if he comes back, he is making it easy for himself. And he doesnt' want it to me something swept under the rug this time. Yes, part of me says, good one, good job trying to make it seem like you are working hard. But the other part of me believes him. I know he is miserable at his mom's but he would rather stay there than jeopardize this happening again. He knows that the hard part is coming up in the next few weeks fighting off that urge.

It's just all so confusing and I it's hard and it's heartbreaking and it's lonely. But you all already know all this. So I guess I am just venting. Thank you all for you reply's. I need reality checks right now.
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:32 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Oh, bamagirl (HUGS) Welcome, and I'm really glad you found this place.

Sigh... I remember when I first came here and had the same feeling as you. All these bitter women who just want me to leave him. LOL. I understand where you're at right now on that point. But please educate yourself-- read the stickies at the top of the forum and learn the realities of addiction. Accept how powerless you are over other people. My boyfriend is a current coke addict, ex-crackhead which got so bad at one point he was homeless in his 20s, and a current alcoholic; by the time I accepted I had to really let go of him, and that that was all I COULD do to "help" him, he had metaphorical scratch marks all over him from how tight my grip had been. You can't love someone out of addiction-- none of us would be here if we could. The only thing you could do that might help him is to get yourself healthy and let him hit his bottom. Stop cushioning his fall. Which he knows full well you will do.

bamagirl- please read and reread and then read again what Former Doormat and jimhere said to you and really think about it. You should focus on getting help for YOU right now. Why you moved in with full knowledge with an active drug addict after one month, why you didn't think you deserved more than that from teh get-go, why you continue to allow him to wreak this havoc on your life, to steal from you. I had to do the same and my ex never even stole money or possessions from me, and I didn't know he was a drug addict when I met him. These are hard questions to answer. Focus on your self-esteem.

Drug of choice is a fine term. In fact, HE is YOUR drug of choice.

You enable your boyfriend the same way your dad enables you. You never allow your bf to feel the brunt of his addictions/lifestyle because you're always there to take him back, make things better, forgive again. Just like your dad never let you take responsibility for yourself either. Your family sounds like mine. Your dad sounds like a great guy. But by saving your ass with money time and again, you never had to grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your life. So start now. With both your dad and with your boyfriend you are in the helpless victim position-- one makes you feel helpless, the other one comes in to rescue. When do you want to take control of your own life? There's a book called Women Who Love too Much by Robin Norwood. She says we pick partners that help us feel the way we felt growing up. It's a pattern we try to conquer as adults and we fail every time until we gain some self-awareness. I found it was true for me; perhaps you might recognize yourself somewhere in there too?

Crack is no joke. Not that I'm taking any other drug lightly, but believe me from the many conversations I've had with my ex who had a long history with crack, there is no "fighting off the urge" to smoke crack. For the record, my ex is able to take a few days off coke/alcohol here and there too. But so what? He's still a drug addict and an alcoholic, unreliable and a liar.

No one can tell you what to do. It's your life. But please keep posting here, start reading (the abovementioned book and Codependent No More are great places to start), and learn to face the realities of addiction. But most importantly, start focusing on YOU and what is driving your life decisions. Start empowering yourself. In time things will get clearer and you will figure out the things you need to do. Take it slow and take good care of yourself.
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