Cynay- I find more hope here everytime someone posts something to me, or by reading responses to other's post. As I was reading your message, I began to think to myself "what if God did this for that very reason, for me to learn that lesson". The thought crossed my mind before you could say it. I am a big believer in fate and that things happen for a reason. I just know that i am really good an enabling in many aspects, not just this addiction. It's just that this is so serious and i don't want his problems to be worse or whatever, because I refuse to stop enabling. I am so worried about being the enabler in this situation. Most of these posts have answered my questions in one way or another. Strange huh? But even indirectly, I am finding some hope and answers. I am a very spiritual and routine oriented person. I think I would do good having my own support.
We continue to talk and see each other for a very limited amount of time every other day or so. I want him to come home, but I really believe, by the things that I say, he knows it's best if he doesn't come home right now. Right now, he really wants to get better so we don't have to go through this again. He is telling me more now than he ever has before. Just a little bit ago, I learned that sometimes when he would leave to go to the store, he would drive through "that neighborhood." And everyday the urge got worse and worse until it happened. I had suspected use before this second time, and I now I believe he has used more than twcie in the past year. He just didn't use my money to do, or his. So I don't know where you got his money from, I am pretty sure he has used more than twice in the past year.
He told me that he is always so headstrong the first week or so and doesn't want to use again. But after a few does that determination wears off and the urges come back and back real strong and he fights them all he can, until he ends up getting high. I never knew that it was this hard for him. He never told me he rode through "that neighborhood". He never told me at any point in the last couple of months he was having urges. The last time he talked to me about urges was probably June. We had a talk and since then, he hasn't mentioned it and I haven't been given a reason to think he was using. He also had other poeple he could call, not just me. The choice was not to call me or get high, which I think sometimes I make it sound like.
I hope I continue to learn, not only from him, but from here as well. We have talked about somethings that might help him when and if he gets to come back. I am going to school at night working on my master's degree and teach during the day. There are lots of night that we don't even see each other because I don't get home until after he has already gone to bed. The wears on him I know.
But in the end, I am starting to see that the only person who can rationalize things for him is HIM. So that is where we are leaving it for. He will stay at his mom's and I will stay at home. We will continue to talk and see each other. He will continue going to meetings. And if a few months, we will see how everything is going and discuss coming home when the time is right, if the time is ever right. In the meantime, I will be here for help and support, and maybe eventually I might have some support to give. thanks again! This place is wonderful!