I didn't know I married an alcoholic 13 years ago. I figured out the week before our wedding that something wasn't
right, but I thought my love would heal all his wounds and we'd live happily ever after.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting six or seven months ago. I still didn't
really feel like all of this applied to me. People annoyed me at those meetings. They obviously needed to be there because they obviously had problems. I didn't have problems like they did.
(Is there a "rolling on the floor laughing sarcastically at yourself" emoticon???)
A counselor I consulted gave me as "homework" to "attend as many Al-Anon meetings as you can before you see me next time. And share."
I did. I cried and hyperventilated and shared and was received with such love and caring and
nobody looked down on me and... I've kept coming back.
I worry a lot. I worry about our kids. I wonder what's worse, living with or without their alcoholic father whom they adore (when he's sober, and fear when he's not). I worry about how I would survive if I left. I wonder if he would hire a high-powered lawyer and try to take the kids away from me. I worry a lot and I cry a lot and it's wonderful. Because I'm
feeling something again. For so many years, I didn't. I put on a mask to show the world a perfect facade, and it sort of just grew into place on my face and that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror too, and I worked very hard to believe my own
PR campaign there.
And then I wondered why I felt like crap most of the time and nothing, absolutely
nothing could make me excited or passionate or expectant anymore.
It's confusing as hell to love an alcoholic. Y'all see the LOTR movies? I feel like I married Aragorn and blinked and realized I had gotten stuck with Theodin-under-the-influence-of-the-evil-Saruman. If he had had an affair with a woman instead of a bottle, at least she wouldn't have been living with us in our home 24/7.
I don't think all our problems will be solved if he becomes sober.
But I know that none of our problems are going to be solved if we don't work on our recovery.
And I know I'm committed to mine -- for my sake, and the sake of my children.
And thanks for listening.