Newbie feeling fragile...

Old 10-20-2006, 11:08 PM
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Newbie feeling fragile...

I didn't know I married an alcoholic 13 years ago. I figured out the week before our wedding that something wasn't right, but I thought my love would heal all his wounds and we'd live happily ever after.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting six or seven months ago. I still didn't really feel like all of this applied to me. People annoyed me at those meetings. They obviously needed to be there because they obviously had problems. I didn't have problems like they did.

(Is there a "rolling on the floor laughing sarcastically at yourself" emoticon???)

A counselor I consulted gave me as "homework" to "attend as many Al-Anon meetings as you can before you see me next time. And share."

I did. I cried and hyperventilated and shared and was received with such love and caring and nobody looked down on me and... I've kept coming back.

I worry a lot. I worry about our kids. I wonder what's worse, living with or without their alcoholic father whom they adore (when he's sober, and fear when he's not). I worry about how I would survive if I left. I wonder if he would hire a high-powered lawyer and try to take the kids away from me. I worry a lot and I cry a lot and it's wonderful. Because I'm feeling something again. For so many years, I didn't. I put on a mask to show the world a perfect facade, and it sort of just grew into place on my face and that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror too, and I worked very hard to believe my own PR campaign there.

And then I wondered why I felt like crap most of the time and nothing, absolutely nothing could make me excited or passionate or expectant anymore.

It's confusing as hell to love an alcoholic. Y'all see the LOTR movies? I feel like I married Aragorn and blinked and realized I had gotten stuck with Theodin-under-the-influence-of-the-evil-Saruman. If he had had an affair with a woman instead of a bottle, at least she wouldn't have been living with us in our home 24/7.

I don't think all our problems will be solved if he becomes sober.
But I know that none of our problems are going to be solved if we don't work on our recovery.
And I know I'm committed to mine -- for my sake, and the sake of my children.

And thanks for listening.
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Old 10-20-2006, 11:32 PM
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treading lightly

I think I've bought into the same PR plan! I just joined this group tonight - my first ever attempt at support. I married an alcoholic. Does it help that me when we were 18 and have shared 20 mostly fabulous fun and exciting years before we finally married last year? An alcoholic who has been hospitalized three times this year with pancreatitis and has been in the hospital for the past five days. He will recover, for now and is supposed to come home on Monday if all goes "well." I just can't understand how he can suffer so severely, yet continue to do this to himself. If he can't stop this time, I fear....well, I fear the worst. He is 38.

I admire your courage. I am trying to find mine. Right now, I am feeling a bit lost. We do not have children, and as sad as that makes me at times, I realize why I haven't allowed myself to go there. It must make things so hard for you. You have made it this far, and from your message it is clear that you have not lost your sense of humor! Stay strong and you will find the right path.

I need to warm up to this sharing thing...It's been my secret for so long I don't even know how to talk about it.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.
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Old 10-20-2006, 11:52 PM
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Hi Lillamy, I'm glad you're sharing here and thank you.

When I first attended Al-Anon meetings, it was suggested that I make a decision to make NO decisions during my first 6 months in Al-Anon. I did this and in fact, for a whole year, because I really needed a lot of fixing-up! I've heard it said often that God works through people and I've become a true believer of this!

I learned not to project my future because when I did so, it was always in the negative! Always gloom and doom and more worry. I kept practicing
"Staying in the Now." And finally, I found that so long as I worked the program, the program worked for me.

I wish you strength and courage on your new path to the good life, whether or not your hubby stops drinking.

Good luck to you and please keep coming back to share, okay?

Hugs,
Luv
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Old 10-21-2006, 12:35 AM
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Welcome to you both, glad you found SR! Kinda quiet this time of night.
If everyone is asleep they will be here tomarrow with some sharing.
Keep coming back. Read, read and read.
Wanting the best for you and yours, I'm off to bed.
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Old 10-21-2006, 05:10 AM
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That feeling of "Im not like these people" is spiritual pride follwed by denial. We could never allow ourselves to become as sick as those psychos, huh?

Well, I am one of those sick ass people, and proud to be recovering. Hope you made it back to alanon. Its the last house on the block, and always gladly takes people back.
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Old 10-21-2006, 08:59 AM
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Oh yeah, FriendofBill -- yup, it's pride alright. Pride and fear, because if I admitted that I was just as sick as anyone else walking through those doors I would have to do something about it. I would have to get out of my little fairy-tale world where DH isn't an alcoholic since nobody but me & the kids ever sees him drunk and admit that even if we were the only ones that saw him he would still be an alcoholic.

And I'm still struggling with denial. I woke up this morning thinking "OMG, what if I'm wrong? He might not be an alcoholic after all. And I've just latched on to something because it makes me feel good and maybe I'm not seeing things clearly???" (Yeah, right. Because a bottle of scotch a night is just what every responsible father downs between dinner and passing out on the floor at 8 pm, right?)

I think this is why we're so isolated, too. Because it's easier to create "enemies" on the outside than to fight the voices in your own head.

[quote]I need to warm up to this sharing thing...It's been my secret for so long I don't even know how to talk about it.[/i]

Hey, Sillygirl (btw, you're not silly, you're here, and that proves you're smaht!) I hear you. I just have a warning: Once you start sharing, it's hard to stop, because it's so relieving. It's literally like you take something out of your head or your heart and put it down and the weight lifts off you.

Off to reading. Thank you all for the warm welcome. Again.
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Old 10-21-2006, 11:29 AM
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Years ago we didn't talk about having an alcoholic in the family, the same way we hid our handicapped and kept out mentally ill relatives in the cellar. There was such a stigma and shame to it all. It's different these days. Kids know about things and they can become educated about these illnesses. We can talk and are encourged to talk about them. I would talk about the disease. I'd get them into some meetings if need be. I wouldn't hide this from them or make excuses for it. They need to be able to be included in the plan of care. More and more I think that the family needs to step up early on to get themselves educated. That way when they intervene or act on their own behalf, they are confident.
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Old 10-21-2006, 01:17 PM
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I sympathize and understand your worrying about a lot of what if's. Please keep one thing in mind: worrying does not do anything to change a situation. It may wreck your emotional or physical health, but it won't change a thing. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am a world-class worrier and I learned that my worrying was a way of wanting to control things. If I worried enough I'd figure out a way for things to fall into place as I wished. No such luck. All I got for my worrying was an upset stomach and a headache.

This may sound like a broken record, but Al-anon meetings and reading their literature will help. There are lots of folks here who can attest to that. I started attending meetings in 1996 and didn't get it at all. Everybody was talking about themselves but not talking about the alcoholic(s) in their lives. What was wrong with these people??? I went for three months and quit going. Fast-forward to 2004: I am now married to my SECOND alcoholic. I am losing my mind. I am a mess. I crawl into an Al-anon meeting. I FINALLY got it. I also re-read Beattie's "Codependent No More." I didn't get that either the first time I read it in 1996. It finally made sense.

Give it a try. Be easy on yourself. And try to focus on yourself. Selfish? Yeah, but in a good way. Stop worrying about others. They can worry about their own business.
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Old 10-21-2006, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I just have a warning: Once you start sharing, it's hard to stop, because it's so relieving.
Oh boy, is that the truth!

Glad you're both here, sharing.
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Old 10-21-2006, 06:49 PM
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Prodigal, my best friend's therapist once said this to him:

"Don't wor... no, I'm sorry, I changed my mind: DO worry. It's never worked for anyone else, but maybe it'll work for you." :lol

Thank you for the good words. And yes, I'm going to Al-Anon meetings and reading every moment I can get to myself. It's awesome to realize that I'm not crazy. I mean, at least not in an insane way.
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Old 10-21-2006, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I worry a lot and I cry a lot and it's wonderful. Because I'm feeling something again. For so many years, I didn't.
Wow, lill, that was neat to hear. I'm recently out of my A household, and I think I'm starting to feel again too. I didn't realize I hadn't been feeling until I started to feel again.

Glad you're here.
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Old 10-21-2006, 09:05 PM
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Wow, Lil. That is exactly where I am. I cried so much today that I ended up laughing at myself! Both felt great. Went to my first Al-Anon meeting. Hoping to get it. Was quiet today, but you all are helping me to find my voice. Maybe tomorrow. You say the books help. I just don't know which one to read first?? Hope you had a good day.
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Old 10-22-2006, 12:21 PM
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Getting them sober, is a good one. No, noone can get them sober, except them.
The book tells us how to handle things to make it better for both.
Did you read, Classic reading in the stickies and click on book club????
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Old 10-22-2006, 02:44 PM
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Sillygirl, I'll tell you which one I started with... be right back...

"How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" is the one that convinced me I'm in the right place.
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Old 10-23-2006, 09:35 AM
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You gotta focus on yourself...take care of yourself.....
I am still working on this one!!!!! I recently left AH. I feel sadness, peace,
loss.......but not as screwed up inside as I did.
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Old 05-06-2012, 01:56 PM
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Realizing how abnormal my life is...

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Last edited by EmmyG; 05-06-2012 at 01:59 PM. Reason: Accidental post
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Old 05-06-2012, 03:25 PM
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This is not the Lillamy that I know today... IMO she has set the benchmark for many of us here on SR. If she can do it...so can we.
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:50 AM
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Wow, lillamy, you certainly have come far!
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Old 05-07-2012, 08:45 AM
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Reading this thread has gone from

To

Thank you for all you have shared lillamy.



Your friend,
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Old 05-07-2012, 12:28 PM
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"Don't wor... no, I'm sorry, I changed my mind: DO worry. It's never worked for anyone else, but maybe it'll work for you."
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