hI dvandjc,
I'm so glad you're sharing because in doing so, you're not stuffing everything inside. Stuffing it all can eat away at one's physical, mental and emotional health. It would be good therapy to attend Alanon meetings, ACoA meetings, and even AA meetings... at least I found it to be. I lost both my father and mother to alcoholism. I loved my mother more than words can describe. We were only 17 years apart in age!
I brought her AA and Alanon reading material but she wasn't interested, I talked to her and begged her to stop drinking and let her know how concerned I was for her health and well-being, I offered to take her to meetings. To no avail though. Alcohol was her higher power. She died suddenly of a massive heart attack while sleeping during the afternoon.
I thank God that I attended AA meetings, Alanon meetings and ACoA meetings, because I received the help I needed to save my sanity. I was told that I didn't cause her alcoholism, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it. I "Let Go and Let God" and asked many times over for strength and courage. Ask, Believe, and you shall receive.... I did.
When my mother died, I knew that I was a good daughter to her while she lived and so I could feel at peace within myself after she was gone.
I know I haven't helped with your feelings and for this I'm sorry, but your feelings are yours and no one can take them away from you. Sometimes I still turn my feelings over to God when I can't handle them... He can, and so I let Him!
I wish you strength and courage, and please keep coming back. We're here to keep you from ever having to be alone in your time of pain and sadness.
Warm hugs,
Luv