Need personal experiences from others

Old 10-14-2006, 12:48 PM
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Need personal experiences from others

Hi, I am new to this community and I am in search of information and help that I've been unable to find. Hopefully some can help. I have a lot of information relating to acoa and codependency, I have forgiven and I love. The assistance I need is how to cope. My mother is what I believe to be advanced stages of alcoholism. She knows what she is and says its too late for her. I know that she will never choose recovery. She is 63 years old and has been drinking since her teens. My mother has a minimum requirement of an 18 pack of beer a day. I've seen the changes in her as her disease has progressed. I've learned to cope with her disease from my own personal standpoint (i.e. I don't get so pissed when I hear the can pop, and I can be around her for more than 1/2 hour), but now I see her fading away. I'm scared. She doesn't eat because she gets sick, she doesn't sleep because she can't go a couple of hours without a beer or she will get sick, she bruises at the slightest touch and bleeds from the slightest bump. My mother will NOT seek medical attention. She has never seen a doctor for a check up, and I mean never. I wonder if anyone else here has watched their loved one deteriorate? What did they see, how did they feel? Was death slow or fast, can you see it coming? I hate thinking of these things but everytime I see her I am reminded. I love her so much, I don't want to lose her, but it is inevitable. Any stories would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 10-14-2006, 01:03 PM
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((dvandjc)) Glad you are here and understand what you are saying.

The alcoholic in my life is my exAH. (he just divorced me rather than address the drinking/etc) He is 52yrs and has been drinking since his teens,too. (probably daily for at least the past 20 yrs or more). I understand completely what you are saying.

For me, it reminds me very much like watching my mother die from terminal cancer, EXCEPT that she tried to fight it. She did what she could to save her life..........AH refuses to try. That is what makes it more difficult for me. There IS help for him but he refuses to accept it. She did not have that luxury after a certain point..

It is very frustrating and heart-breaking...kinda like ring-side seats to a trainwreck. I am trying not to watch it,as best I can. It hurts no matter what, but the less I have to have ring-side seats to the destruction, the better it is for me.

Sorry you are going thru this.

Prayer is my advice. For you and her.

Sometimes, miracles even happen!
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Old 10-14-2006, 01:17 PM
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Thank you, I do pray. I have no choice but to take the ringside seat. As you speak of your mother, I also speak of mine, with love. Thank you so much for taking time and sharing with me.
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Old 10-14-2006, 06:00 PM
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I highly suggest you attend alanon and get all the literature you can fit in your purse and read it ALL.

I also suggest you and everyone in her life, family,friends etc who are aware of her drinking,make an appointment with a local treatment center (Its free) to discuss options for an intervention and/or ideas on how to get her to go for either an evaluation or dr. appt.

All enabling must stop or she will continue as is. Its not too late for her. My friend Carlos got sober at age 67, has 4 years clean. My friend Bill got sober at 62, has 22 years clean.

It can be done, but its got to start with the family getting help first. Good luck.
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Old 10-14-2006, 06:40 PM
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I'm really unsure of how this exactly works and it may vary per state. But in reading your post, my first thoughts centered around her state of mind as well as her neglect of her own health. In that, I have to wonder about the idea of having her put in a rest home or some place.
I realize that this may be viewed as a way of controlling her - but my thoughts were more of the fact that she may possibly be a harm to herself and/or others. Is she stable-minded enough to actually live alone (or do you or someone live with her?) Is she actually capable of taking care of herself? (It doesn't really sound to me that she is).

I understand that this may sound like I'm trying to say that putting her in a home or institution of some kind is controlling her, that was not my intent on posting this at all.

I'm not sure if I came across correctly. But I hope that you understand what I am saying. You can't control her drinking, but I"d think that if she is not in her right mind and is a safety risk to herself, you can help her in that manner by providing the care that she needs.

I also agree with the above and believe that your family could really benefit from Alanon and/or counseling of some kind. I truly feel for you all for what you all must be going through.
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Old 10-14-2006, 06:54 PM
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(((dvandjc))) Welcome. I am sorry about what you are going thru right now. I will pray for you. My AH is only 36 yrs old, but I can tell a difference in his overall health. Of course, he would NEVER go to a doctor ! You need to take care of yourself ! physically and mentally. I have only been posting/reading on this site for a couple of weeks, but the support and honesty here is amazing !
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:06 PM
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fustrated

I understand what everyone is saying. I appreciate everyone's time and kindness. It appears that I'm enabling or settling, but that is not the case. This woman, my mother, made it very clear to me that this was her life, this is what she chooses, and she has no interest in changing. She accepts being an alcoholic. She is very capable of taking care of herself and she would have no problem disconnecting from me or her grandchildren. She has succombed to the disease. I know there are people out there with loved ones that were the same way. I want to know how to deal with it. I need to know. I was just diagnosed with cancer and I can't handle anymore surprises. I would like to know how the disease progresses until the end stage.
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:09 PM
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Dvandjc welcome to SR. You have found a great place to share, with lots and lots of ES&H here!!!!!!!

As to your mother. If she too is in California, please call Adult Protection Services. They will send out a 'case worker' usually a certified licensed social worker to do an "evaluation" of her situation and see her physical condition. Then if necessary they will take it further, and get her help whether she wants it or not under the guise of "being a danger to herself." Many are under the assumption that Adult Protection Services is just for the elderly, NOT. They are there to assist with any adult that is unable to adequately care for themselves.

I might also suggest that you find some Al-anon meetings for yourself, they will help immensely!!!!!

After I had been sober for 3 years my sponsor strongly suggested I also attend Al-anon to deal with the alcoholics in my life......my husband who though sober was still exhibiting alkie behavior, my dad, others in the AA program that I was sponsoring, etc. Al-anon helped me a great deal in learning how to change my actions and reactions.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:41 PM
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welcome dvandjc

my heart goes out to you. last year i lost a friend, at age 50, just this way. he knew he was drinking himself to death, said he was aware of what he was doing and if anyone tried to stop him, he would cut them out of his life. the couple friends who tried to do an intervention on him met that fate. he died suddenly from heart complications.

i will PM you an article i read that you might be interested in.

i am sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. you have an awful lot on your plate right now. have you ever tried an al-anon meeting?

take care and keep coming back.
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Old 10-14-2006, 08:06 PM
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My ah is at this stage too. He looks like the walking dead. He just moved to another state so I will not see how log this will take. my AH says he doesn't drink so it is a little different. I don't have any advise this is your mom and it is very different. May be she is just so tired of living like this she would rather die. And from what I read I can't blame her.I'm so sorry that you have to watch this. I know how painful it is. I think every case is different and it is hard to say what to expect. Sorry
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Old 10-14-2006, 08:10 PM
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Hi sweetie ((((((hugs))))) My XAH has been an alcoholic for 30 years and in the last couple of years the kids and I noticed that it took alot less and I mean alot less beer to get him drunk and the blackouts increased. About months before he left us (we wanted him in rehab) is pancreas was giving him trouble and even though he refused medical attention or even admitted that he had a problem. I researched his symptoms and knew exactly what was going on. I found out that this past Aug 30th he was seen at the emergency room coughing up blood...amongst other things...and thats all I know about him. (He left us Jul 05) At our final hearing which was Sept 13 2006 he looked like he was at deaths door. But never said a word to me. It is truly sad the kids and I loved him very very much, and we were married for 22 years. All I can say is chart her symptoms and research online...there is an awful lot of into out there and its all sad information for our loved ones. Stay strong and take care of yourself you will be in my prayers hun.

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Old 10-14-2006, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by dvandjc
I understand what everyone is saying. I appreciate everyone's time and kindness. It appears that I'm enabling or settling, but that is not the case. This woman, my mother, made it very clear to me that this was her life, this is what she chooses, and she has no interest in changing. She accepts being an alcoholic. She is very capable of taking care of herself and she would have no problem disconnecting from me or her grandchildren. She has succombed to the disease. I know there are people out there with loved ones that were the same way. I want to know how to deal with it. I need to know. I was just diagnosed with cancer and I can't handle anymore surprises. I would like to know how the disease progresses until the end stage.

So sorry to hear about your mom. Don't stop loving her but do not sarifice yourself eithe.

from what you said in the post sounds like her liver function is significantly effected by alcohol to be changing her ability to control bleeding (clotting factors are made in the liver)

Becuse of what you say about her getting sick without alcohol every few hours, sounds like she would need medically supervised detox initially.

I know of a person that was legally forced into detox being a threat to himself. At first he cursed his family for "doing that to him" When the drugs cleared his system, he had a lot of gratitude for his family. He remins sober today.


We all send you a big hug
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Old 10-14-2006, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by dvandjc
I understand what everyone is saying. I appreciate everyone's time and kindness. It appears that I'm enabling or settling, but that is not the case. This woman, my mother, made it very clear to me that this was her life, this is what she chooses, and she has no interest in changing. She accepts being an alcoholic. She is very capable of taking care of herself and she would have no problem disconnecting from me or her grandchildren. She has succombed to the disease. I know there are people out there with loved ones that were the same way. I want to know how to deal with it. I need to know. I was just diagnosed with cancer and I can't handle anymore surprises. I would like to know how the disease progresses until the end stage.

That is basically the position I found myself in with my husband. Although he does not admit that he is an alcoholic; he has no desire to stop drinking and is still making good money and taking care of himself,etc. He chose instead to move out of our home (we have two children ;the youngest just graduated from high school and started college) and to continue drinking and "having fun". Financially he is still paying all our expenses,etc. He knows his drinking and behavior hurts us but his answer was not to stop the behavior; it was to move out and when he realized he could not move back in without addressing the alcoholism,he filed for divorce (I think he was encouraged by finding a new enabler of two).

We did have a family intervention. It did not result in him seeking treatment. (We did not have a whole lot of leverage at the time). It did,however help the kids and me begin our own recovery. We are enabling him less and less as we understand and get healthier ourselves. I don't think things in exAH's life are going quite the way he had imagined...

It is a difficult position to be in. Our children want even less to do with him than I do (I am slower;we were together 30ys). Like me,they love him but do not like him or his behavior many times; he can be very mean and hurtful in this illness. They have their boundaries; a shame to have to avoid your own parent but sometimes it is necessary.
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Old 10-14-2006, 10:26 PM
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hI dvandjc,

I'm so glad you're sharing because in doing so, you're not stuffing everything inside. Stuffing it all can eat away at one's physical, mental and emotional health. It would be good therapy to attend Alanon meetings, ACoA meetings, and even AA meetings... at least I found it to be. I lost both my father and mother to alcoholism. I loved my mother more than words can describe. We were only 17 years apart in age!

I brought her AA and Alanon reading material but she wasn't interested, I talked to her and begged her to stop drinking and let her know how concerned I was for her health and well-being, I offered to take her to meetings. To no avail though. Alcohol was her higher power. She died suddenly of a massive heart attack while sleeping during the afternoon.

I thank God that I attended AA meetings, Alanon meetings and ACoA meetings, because I received the help I needed to save my sanity. I was told that I didn't cause her alcoholism, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it. I "Let Go and Let God" and asked many times over for strength and courage. Ask, Believe, and you shall receive.... I did.

When my mother died, I knew that I was a good daughter to her while she lived and so I could feel at peace within myself after she was gone.

I know I haven't helped with your feelings and for this I'm sorry, but your feelings are yours and no one can take them away from you. Sometimes I still turn my feelings over to God when I can't handle them... He can, and so I let Him!

I wish you strength and courage, and please keep coming back. We're here to keep you from ever having to be alone in your time of pain and sadness.

Warm hugs,
Luv
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