Originally Posted by dvandjc
I understand what everyone is saying. I appreciate everyone's time and kindness. It appears that I'm enabling or settling, but that is not the case. This woman, my mother, made it very clear to me that this was her life, this is what she chooses, and she has no interest in changing. She accepts being an alcoholic. She is very capable of taking care of herself and she would have no problem disconnecting from me or her grandchildren. She has succombed to the disease. I know there are people out there with loved ones that were the same way. I want to know how to deal with it. I need to know. I was just diagnosed with cancer and I can't handle anymore surprises. I would like to know how the disease progresses until the end stage.
That is basically the position I found myself in with my husband. Although he does not admit that he is an alcoholic; he has no desire to stop drinking and is still making good money and taking care of himself,etc. He chose instead to move out of our home (we have two children ;the youngest just graduated from high school and started college) and to continue drinking and "having fun". Financially he is still paying all our expenses,etc. He knows his drinking and behavior hurts us but his answer was not to stop the behavior; it was to move out and when he realized he could not move back in without addressing the alcoholism,he filed for divorce (I think he was encouraged by finding a new enabler of two).
We did have a family intervention. It did not result in him seeking treatment. (We did not have a whole lot of leverage at the time). It did,however help the kids and me begin our own recovery. We are enabling him less and less as we understand and get healthier ourselves. I don't think things in exAH's life are going quite the way he had imagined...
It is a difficult position to be in. Our children want even less to do with him than I do (I am slower;we were together 30ys). Like me,they love him but do not like him or his behavior many times; he can be very mean and hurtful in this illness. They have their boundaries; a shame to have to avoid your own parent but sometimes it is necessary.