I am so depressed.
My eyes are swollen and red and my face is blotchy. I look a mess, I feel worse. I would like to preface this by saying I dont want to drink or drug. BUT........WOE IS ME.
My AH has been even more miserable lately than he usually is. He went out to the bars twice last week without even calling me to let me know. I guess I should say there is really nothing unusual about that, he has always had a lack of respect for me.
This morning I wake up and he is being a crab, I at one point ask him what I have done. He says, you dont do anything thats the point. Meaning I am a lousy housewife. Yes, I agree, I am no Martha Stewart, but I like being able to work part time at night for the same amount of money that I would get working full time with my daughter in day care.
I have been trying so hard to be the bigger and better person and to not take his inventory. I have been just worrying about myself and the girls. But he makes it very hard when money keeps disappearing and my mother has been chipping in about $400/month for our rent. We cannot hold our head above water.
So after the comment this morning, I get a little pissy and defensive and boo hooey.Our fights always are the same,n I say to him, well if I make you so unhappy; leave. He snickers about it, but he is to lazy to leave. I just can not take this anymore. I am so miserable. I just want to be happy. I have been, but not with him, not ever. Maybe in the beginning. But now we have two precious girls and we hate each other.
There has to be someone out there who will not make me feel this way about myself. I am a good, smart, sensitive, caring (maybe alittle sloppy) and outgoing person. My heart feels crushed when i realize that I simply am never going to be able to make him happy. Not ever.
In the meantime, I am self destructing.
I am getting my license back in about a week, I am hoping some of my depression will lift when I am not a prisoner of my house. I dont want to clean, I want to sleep. The bed calls me. The way he treats me makes me not wanna do things to make the house look good. I am not saying we are wallowing in filth, but hey I have two small children who trash it as fast as I can get it clean. IT gets OLD.
He wont let me have access to the money I guesss its a way to keep me down, unknowing, whatever.
OK i will stop, believe I could go on and on and on and feel like I didnt come close to getting it all out. But even this has made me feel a tad better. Not much. The tears were streaming as i wrote this, but they have stopped for this minute.
I cant do this forever.