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Pity Pot

Old 09-23-2006, 08:43 AM
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Pity Pot

I am so depressed. My eyes are swollen and red and my face is blotchy. I look a mess, I feel worse. I would like to preface this by saying I dont want to drink or drug. BUT........WOE IS ME.

My AH has been even more miserable lately than he usually is. He went out to the bars twice last week without even calling me to let me know. I guess I should say there is really nothing unusual about that, he has always had a lack of respect for me.

This morning I wake up and he is being a crab, I at one point ask him what I have done. He says, you dont do anything thats the point. Meaning I am a lousy housewife. Yes, I agree, I am no Martha Stewart, but I like being able to work part time at night for the same amount of money that I would get working full time with my daughter in day care.

I have been trying so hard to be the bigger and better person and to not take his inventory. I have been just worrying about myself and the girls. But he makes it very hard when money keeps disappearing and my mother has been chipping in about $400/month for our rent. We cannot hold our head above water.

So after the comment this morning, I get a little pissy and defensive and boo hooey.Our fights always are the same,n I say to him, well if I make you so unhappy; leave. He snickers about it, but he is to lazy to leave. I just can not take this anymore. I am so miserable. I just want to be happy. I have been, but not with him, not ever. Maybe in the beginning. But now we have two precious girls and we hate each other.

There has to be someone out there who will not make me feel this way about myself. I am a good, smart, sensitive, caring (maybe alittle sloppy) and outgoing person. My heart feels crushed when i realize that I simply am never going to be able to make him happy. Not ever.

In the meantime, I am self destructing.

I am getting my license back in about a week, I am hoping some of my depression will lift when I am not a prisoner of my house. I dont want to clean, I want to sleep. The bed calls me. The way he treats me makes me not wanna do things to make the house look good. I am not saying we are wallowing in filth, but hey I have two small children who trash it as fast as I can get it clean. IT gets OLD.

He wont let me have access to the money I guesss its a way to keep me down, unknowing, whatever.

OK i will stop, believe I could go on and on and on and feel like I didnt come close to getting it all out. But even this has made me feel a tad better. Not much. The tears were streaming as i wrote this, but they have stopped for this minute.

I cant do this forever.
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Old 09-23-2006, 09:12 AM
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This sounds like a situation of emotional abuse, in that he is not allowing you access to money and he is constantly putting you down.

However, when you said "There has to be someone out there who will not make me feel this way about myself", it made me pause. There might very well be that special someone, BUT, you need to love yourself. No one can fill the void of not loving yourself and it sounds like that is where you need to start. I was always searching for someone or something outside of me to fulfill me and of course, it never worked. Trying to love and accept yourself can be very difficult, but it will work.
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Old 09-23-2006, 09:19 AM
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Thanks Anna, in my program I am battling my past demons. I was abandoned by my bio. mother as a child and then when my dad did become a part of my life (got out of prison) he abandoned me also for a new family.

I know alot of my issues stem from this. Unfortunately, I will never be able to rectify things withmy bio mom, I was told she passed away years ago from AIDS. I never knew her. My dad. pppttthhhHe has no idea the hurt he has caused me. But I will get it out to him eventually. I am trying to get better. I know theere is a good person inside me. Even though my bio mom left me my paternal g-parents adopted me and made me theirs. But the issues are still there. I am trying to fight these demons. I am working on loving myself. I need therapy and lots of it. Thank you for your insight, you were right on it.
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Old 09-23-2006, 10:11 AM
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You, LORD, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you.
-Isaiah 26:3

...
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Old 09-23-2006, 10:21 AM
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When I had gotten on the pity pot, I started to build up a selfish...no a Very selfish nature. Rather then vent, I held it all in and stayed on the pot.
Solution...I moved out.
What I found when I moved out...
All my complaints came with me. I still had to cook. I had to now clean. I had to now do laundry. Nothing changed until I changed.

I now do what needs be done and if that isn't good enough for others...they can deal with the things they don't like. I deal with what keeps my space and life at peace.
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Old 09-23-2006, 10:22 AM
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Your have some tough issues you are dealing with. I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I want to give you encouragement to find strength and do your best to work through it. Accept the things you cannot change and find the courage to change the things you can. In doing so, you will find the path to serenity...
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Old 09-23-2006, 11:43 AM
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Tough situation that is for sure. I can so relate to the mental abuse and I don't think that is health at all. Just try to take care of yourself and your babies. I am sure that if the relationship is over, there is someone that will be there for you. Just take care of yourself and when you are not looking that special someone will be there. Maybe that is my problem

Sending good thoughts your way.

Love Vic
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Old 09-23-2006, 11:48 AM
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Hello Sweetie, im sorry to hear that your under that type of preussure from your spouse..., Anna is right he should'nt restrict your money, that does sound like control, and emotional abuse, with that type of talk ...!

I also looked and still do outside for love...! When i know i have to learn to my best friend, n love me...! It feels wierd...but i keep trying by wearing nice clean clothes of my style... lol,...but im finding me in this journey, the women i never thought i would be,...!?! wow...!

I know your feeling in pain right now just know,...that you will know the right thing to do at the right time,...have faith,...in keep your strength, dont let anyone take that from you...!

Big hugs ........................
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Old 09-23-2006, 12:00 PM
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Ugh. I feel your pain. This is exactly the way my husband was treating me before we split, except I was working full-time and had my own money. On top of my working and looking after 3 kids and racing around to clean the house and do yard work and cook, he did nothing but go to work and then go out with his friends, coming home drunk every night. If we argued, it was because I didn't do enough around the house. THE NERVE!! It still is powerful enough to raise my blood pressure just thinking about it.

I think everyone here has said good things. I venture to add that it IS your girls, your life and life is too short to live it in misery and with hatred.

((((Hugs))))
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Old 09-23-2006, 02:25 PM
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I too was in a very abusive, controlling relationship. I would rather be alone then living the way I was. Not once have I regretted leaving that relationship. It was clear to me that things were not going to get better, but they were indeed getting worse. Prayers...
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