Hi Rose...
My son is an alcoholic/addict and has recently relapsed. I remember before his last bout with sobriety how CRAZY I was!
I tried the "four Ms" mentioned in my Alanon book -
I managed
I manipulated
I monitored and
I martyred
I found another set of letters MUCH more helpful - the 3Cs:
I cannot CAUSE addiction
I cannot CONTROL addiction
I cannot CURE addiction
I 'got' those 3Cs intellectually... right from the get go. But I didn't "get" how to apply them in a practical meaningful way until I messed up time and time again. It seems I needed to learn from experience.
So, when my son "went back out", this time - I was sad... very sad. And I will slip occassionally into "awfulizing" and "future tripping", but I increase my attendance at Alanon, because it was there that I learned how to act and react to the addicts/alcoholics in my life... and they are the best resource for me.
I started with 1 meeting per week, but I increased my number of meetings per week.
I hope you can find some Alanon meetings... they helped me very much.