I've never gone looking for bottles even though he's alway done his drinking secretly. Counting the pills may have been a codependent thing to do but I needed the reality check. It was just so hard to believe he was really drinking again. BTW, AH skipped another meeting again today. I know that whether or not he's drinking or taking his medicine or going to meetings is not really what matters. The bottom line is he's back to being an @$$hole.
As far as making any big changes at this point... I'm trying to do what's best for my children and myself in the long run and it makes sense for me to stick it out awhile longer and see what happens. Both boys have disabilities and I homeschool them. The boys are almost always at my side so it's true that I don't have a lot of a life outside of them. Fortunately, my children are happy to go on the many adventures I take them on. I've always had a strong travel bug. The things we do are very child friendly but I enjoy most of them at least as much as they do. This weekend, it's off for a weekend at a Renaissance faire. What could be more fun that playing dress up and going shopping? A couple of weekends ago, it was one of my sons' birthday request to go to a Scottish heritage gathering that one of my favorite musical groups was playing at. So, yes, my life revolves around my children but I'm grateful for the opportunity. Before I had my own children, my life revolved around other people's children. I worked in education and volunteered for child centered organizations.
One of the things that I'm most grateful for is that despite how challenging AH is, he's made it possible for me to be a stay at home mom and to homeschool our children.
Thanks, everyone, for your support. It is good to know I'm not alone.