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Ugh!

Old 09-14-2006, 03:10 PM
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Ugh!

The shock and/or denial is fading. I counted his Antabuse pills again and looked at the calender and he definately had stopped taking them for awhile. I know he didn't go to his meeting last night either. It does look as though he's started taking his pills again but he's still a huge pain in the backside. All positive communication between us has stopped. I'm not going to make an effort when he's not anymore. He'll open the door to a conversation and the minute I open my mouth he'll slam the door shut again, as though eveything I have to say bothers him. I'm sure even if all I offered was non-stop support and compliments he'd still find fault with everything about me. Well, I'm finding being around him pretty darn annoying and all I want to do is get away from him.

I am taking the boys on another little trip but can't be away too long because I don't want them to miss out on their karate classes. They're so close to getting their orange belts, I don't want them to lose their focus. AH and I aren't fighting, he just takes every opportunity to try to make me feel bad. He's fishing for a fight but I'm trying not to get hooked. AH hasn't done anything so outrageous that it warrants my making any big moves right now... but I'm braced for it which is an uncomfortable situation to be in. I'm looking forward to having a few days away from him at least.

It's hard for me to get to meetings because I have my boys with me all the time and besides.. I haven't found any I'm comfortable with. But I need to vent in a room full of people that can relate. I'm going to see if there are any meeting options tonight.

I'll probably check in again before the boys and I hit the road tomorrow. Thanks to you all for being around.

Last edited by gypsyrose; 09-14-2006 at 03:56 PM.
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Old 09-14-2006, 04:15 PM
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Sweetie I know your disapointed..... I would be too, but in talking with many As at meetings and such.... alot of them slip, maybe this is a slip.... We can hope. Im very sure he is feeling shame and guilt and 1000 other emotions and that is the reason he cant talk to you... his just trying and then cutting you out tells you he wants to but probably cant.

Dont jump to conclusions yet hon... ride it out, focus on you and if you can catch a meeting that would help you soooooo much, if not see if you can pick up some books and do some reading. Disconnect and focus on you... you got your answers and now you dont have to keep checking... Let him work his recovery and you work yours.... you will know soon enough if it was a slip or if he just is not ready and then you can look at your options and make choices.

Im glad your taking the boys and doing something... It will help to step outside of it and focus on something else.
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Old 09-14-2006, 04:31 PM
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Counting his pills and checking the calendar are the same behaviors as checking for bottles and checking up on where he's been, etc. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but control is control. It might be helpful to make sure you get to some meetings or some other kind of support. Put the focus on you and new opportunities will open up and you may find yourself not feeling dependent on the other person.

Good luck. It ain't easy, but it's oh so worth it.
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Old 09-14-2006, 04:34 PM
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Gypsyrose: I read your post and all I really seemed to hear about was your AH. Then you shifted the focus over to your boys. And while I do understand your loving attention towards your children - I really have to question why you don't love yourself more. Or did I get the wrong impression?
Regardless of your AH's mood - what about you? Why let him get to you? You know how he is, you know how this rollercoaster merry go round ride goes.
Gypsy, believe me when I tell you that it's hard. And I admit that it took me a long long long long long time to get the tools that I needed in dealing with my own situation - and I"m still learning. But you really need to focus on YOU and what YOU want! You can only change YOU!!!!
I really hope you find an Alanon meeting! And I hope you go. Start taking care of you.
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Old 09-14-2006, 04:51 PM
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Why do you need to wait until hubby does something outrageous before you make a move towards a happier life? Isn't being an emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive addict who finds fault with everything you do enough?

Waiting for "something outrageous" to happen is a form of denial--a way for codependents to avoid making a difficult change--much in the same way that an alcoholic says to himself, "I'm not a passing-out-on-the-floor type of drunk, so I don't need to change."

You'll only drive yourself crazier and add to your misery by going behind your husband's back and counting his antabuse pills to see if he's been taking them regularly. Observing his actions will yield the same information without breaching his trust and further eroding your relationship.
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Old 09-14-2006, 04:58 PM
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[QUOTE=gypsyrose]. I'm not going to make an effort when he's not anymore. He'll open the door to a conversation and the minute I open my mouth he'll slam the door shut again, as though eveything I have to say bothers him. I'm sure even if all I offered was non-stop support and compliments he'd still find fault with everything about me. Well, I'm finding being around him pretty darn annoying and all I want to do is get away from him.You put into words what goes on under my roof on a daily basis. It seems nothing I say is right and bothers C. It's frustrating and it hurts, because I try to open up the lines of communication and am met with resistance 90% of the time. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
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Old 09-14-2006, 09:34 PM
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[QUOTE=blizzard77]
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
. You put into words what goes on under my roof on a daily basis. It seems nothing I say is right and bothers C. It's frustrating and it hurts, because I try to open up the lines of communication and am met with resistance 90% of the time. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Brought back a lot of memories to me,too.

(((gypsyrose)))
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Old 09-15-2006, 04:14 AM
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I've never gone looking for bottles even though he's alway done his drinking secretly. Counting the pills may have been a codependent thing to do but I needed the reality check. It was just so hard to believe he was really drinking again. BTW, AH skipped another meeting again today. I know that whether or not he's drinking or taking his medicine or going to meetings is not really what matters. The bottom line is he's back to being an @$$hole.

As far as making any big changes at this point... I'm trying to do what's best for my children and myself in the long run and it makes sense for me to stick it out awhile longer and see what happens. Both boys have disabilities and I homeschool them. The boys are almost always at my side so it's true that I don't have a lot of a life outside of them. Fortunately, my children are happy to go on the many adventures I take them on. I've always had a strong travel bug. The things we do are very child friendly but I enjoy most of them at least as much as they do. This weekend, it's off for a weekend at a Renaissance faire. What could be more fun that playing dress up and going shopping? A couple of weekends ago, it was one of my sons' birthday request to go to a Scottish heritage gathering that one of my favorite musical groups was playing at. So, yes, my life revolves around my children but I'm grateful for the opportunity. Before I had my own children, my life revolved around other people's children. I worked in education and volunteered for child centered organizations.

One of the things that I'm most grateful for is that despite how challenging AH is, he's made it possible for me to be a stay at home mom and to homeschool our children.

Thanks, everyone, for your support. It is good to know I'm not alone.
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