Hey Missy,
I'm sorry for the turmoil you are feeling right now. I can relate to your story of a 20 year marriage with an alcoholic. My AH and I have been married for 20 year also. We have three children, 17, 12,10.
Like you, I've been involved with Al-Anon, on and off, during the last 19 years. I reached out for help just one year after we were married. My husbands periods of sobriety lasted anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. I know that I would not have made it through the tough times, as I'm sure you've had, without my faith in God, and support from others. I educated myself on alcoholism, co-dependency, worked very hard to detach with love, discontinue enabling him, and supported him.
We separated six months ago. The consequences of a drinking binge forced me to make a change in my life. He is now in AA, has a sponser. I'm seeing a counselor and have Al-Anon support.
Please, Missy, focus on YOU and your recovery. Begin to do special things for yourself each day. I do understand the sick feelings and inability to sleep. I find that when I obsess on him, and his drinking and his problems, I'm stuck in a hole of despair.
You are NOT responsible for his drinking. You are only responsible for how you choose to react to it. After 20 years of dealing with this insane illness, I also found myself totally numb...void of all feelings for him. No love, no hate....just indifference. I cannot describe what that felt like. It was then that I needed to change my life.
Missy, I've taken baby steps for two decades. I have no regrets about that. I have truly supported him, stood by him, forgiven him, believed in him and trusted him over and over again. Overall, I followed the Al-Anon philosophy, and that helped me cope with the turmoil.
Please spend time with people you trust, get to those Al-Anon meetings, see a counselor if you think that would help you. It's helped me tremendously. There's a couple of books that I would recommend along with Melody Beatty's Co-Dependent No More.....*Setting Boundaries* and *Safe People* by Drs. Henry cloud and John Townsend. Both are excellent books for co-dependents.
Take care of yourself.....
S